


Together Forever

by thecosmogirl



Category: Degrassi, Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 87,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23670580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecosmogirl/pseuds/thecosmogirl
Summary: Season 5 AU "I know he's gone, you don't have to remind me." Emma/Jay
Relationships: Jay Hogart/Emma Nelson, Sean Cameron/Emma Nelson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1: Real and Unreal

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note - So I decided to do something different - this is an alt season 5.  
> Disclaimer - I own nothing but the shirt on my back.

Chapter One   
Real and Unreal

Emma Nelson spent her summer days by the pool catching rays and nights at the ravine with someone unexpected - Jay Hogart. Summer fling, nothing committed or serious. Its August 2005 and the living is rather easy.

Manny Santos spent the majority of the summer at summer camp, she goes every year from the beginning of July to the middle of August and this year she found herself returning back home with a renewed purpose. After starring in the big movie Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian, Eh! and doing a summer theatre production of Rent she knows exactly what she wants to do in life. She wants to be an actress.

Manny and Emma clad in bikinis lay out as Emma wistfully watches the boy across from the pool with a camera taking candids of the other girls not even noticing the pair. "I've been eyeing him all summer and he doesn't even notice me."

Manny adjusted her black bug eyed sunglasses and looked where Emma was, "He's cute I guess. I can't stop thinking about this agent, I wish she'd call me."

"You guess? Look. He's talking to that turquoise tankini tramp. I hate her. He's the first boy I've been seriously been interested in ever since hurricane Sean blew through my emotional trailer park."

"Em, I have one goal this year and it ain't anonymous hot dude at pool. I'm gonna be an actress. Go ahead. Smile. I'm doing it. Whatever it takes, I'm doing."

x

Later that night, Emma snuck out to the ravine through her bedroom window and saw Jay in his usual spot sitting on the picnic table alone smoking a blunt. He noticed her and he noticed she had been looking a bit glum and not her happy go lucky self. "Smoke?"

Emma reluctantly took a drag and gave it back to him. She uncomfortably wiped her eyes thinking he wasn't looking. Home hasn't been good. Her parents are in debt, they've been fighting constantly and sleeping in separate rooms. She's afraid shes going to lose Snake as a father figure and she speaks to them sparingly distancing herself from the fall out. Hanging out with Jay at the ravine was some sort of escape.

She was somewhat surprised when Jay asked her, "You alright?"

She lied, "Never better."

"That's a crock of shit and you know it." Jay muttered matter-of-factly. "Wanna talk about it?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Why not?"

"Because you're you that's reason enough and besides, this is about having fun and not being you know - complicated." Emma sighed, "lets just go in the van and forget about what you saw."

"Try me. Would it kill you to try?"

"I don't wanna, let's just get this over with. Let's just go in the van." Emma rolls her eyes as she jumps off the side of the table.

"I don't wanna right now. Let's talk. We never talk."

Emma paused for a moment, she made a face, "Why? We don't talk for a reason. Why do you even bother?"

"Because I care about you, okay?"

A wave of silence washed over the pair as she just glared at him, finally she just laughs and shakes her head, "Good one, Jay. You're lying. Jay Hogart doesn't care about anyone." A part of her knew he was being dead serious but she didn't want to acknowledge it because then it makes it real and it wouldn't be the same. She didn't want to feel anything for him because it's simply not real nor does she want to force it to be.

"Ouch okay? I'm sitting right here and I'm not lying. I seriously didn't expect for this to happen but I know something that if Cameron ever came back around you'd drop me like a bad habit." She didn't say anything and crossed her arms as he continued, "but he's gone now and it's time you know that."

She felt small. A big part of her hoped Sean would make his return but she still finds herself resenting the earth he walks upon because he left. A tinge of hurt and sadness could be heard in her voice, "I know he's gone. You don't have to remind me."

"So date someone else, forget that loser at the pool date someone who cares about you."

Emma protested, "Peter's not a -"

Jay ignored her defensive statement, "So uh what do you say?"

"Uh hard pass."

"And why not? I know let's face it I'm not as cute as pool boy but at least I know you exist."

"I'm gonna ignore the fact you said that just now." Emma laughs hiding her embarrassment, she straightened up and added, "We're supposed to be having fun, why make it all weird?"

Jay was silent for a moment as he threw the joint into the brush behind the van, he quickly grabbed Emma's hand and led her to van. He shook his head, "You're right, ladies first." Emma smirked as they went inside ahead of him.


	2. Chapter Two: Summer

Chapter Two

Summer

It's sure you wonder how Jay even came to that revelation that he actually cared about Emma and it wasn't simple. It wasn't something that made sense for him, or even Emma. However it happened, the words escaped his lips and they're out there in the universe.

Three months earlier she didn't mean a thing to him. In fact deep down he sort of blamed her for his big break up with Alex . He didn't care that she missed Sean, he just knew she did. He used to see her get drunk at ravine parties alone. Spinner was too busy trying to get back to school so Jay was constantly alone drinking as well. He never spoke to her. One night he saw her, and he remarked, "Deja vu, huh?"

She was frightened by him considering all these parties he hadn't said an awkward word to her. She laughed it off and shook her head contemplating why he was even talking to her. "Kind of."

"What are you drinking?" He asked plainly grabbing another beer from the cooler for himself.

"Beer." She told him with a shrug.

He then realized that was a stupid question and sat down beside her at the bench. "I just wanted to ask why are you even here? I thought you were allergic to parties."

"It's a free country and I was invited once so I thought - why not? I have nothing better to do."

"You came to the right place."

"Yeah, so how long are we gonna pretend to like each other?" Emma asked boldly after a moment of silence.

"Who says we even will?" She didn't say anything sipping her beer, he noticed she hated it like she hates him or at least so he thinks. "I'm about to roll a blunt so if you want we can -"

Emma stood up and nodded, "Sure. Where to?"

He got uncomfortable somehow as he gestured over to the corner of the party, "The van over there."

Her eyes widened with discomfort and then she went back to her casual look she even let out a nervous laugh, as if she wanted to prove something she was about to decline and he needed to save it. Sean told him to look out for Emma in his absence and he was doing a shitty ass job. So he saved the conversation, if they were quasi-friends or friends that would be that. He wouldn't have to try hard looking for her or anything. "You're just gonna have to trust me on this. I don't want to hook up with you," She made one of those faces as if to say 'get away from me creep' but then he added, "I just want to smoke and it's pretty darn private."

"Fine. I have nothing else better to do."

"You know you're pretty damn intimidating? Anyone ever told you that?"

"I'm far from it." She replied as they walked past the burning bonfire and to the van. She stepped inside ahead of him and he shut it behind them. Everyone else was too busy getting loaded off of Keystone to notice.

They were alone. She sat down like a pretzel legs crossed as he sat down across from her. It was like he was daring her to make a move, and she was daring him to to do the same. Jay grabbed an old cd case as she watched him roll them a little something for them. She started talking and he didn't really pay much attention she started going on about how boring her summer was so far with her best friend not being around.

To her this felt strange. Talking was a nervous habit. The van, it smelled the same. It smelled like a combination of weed and gasoline in the summer heat. He was finished and then he gave it to her, "You first."

She made that face again, the one that he wanted to close his eyes and kiss away that very first time in the van - the one where she was afraid but she was always pretending with Jay that she wasn't. He caught onto that. She relented, "Fine."

They didn't speak with their words but how they looked at one another, her body language, his body language said something else they were bored and alone. Spinner like he said was too busy going back to school to hang out with badass Jay and Emma she had nothing to do but hang out with him. It was a match made in hell. They could make this work, even if it was only for a summer. Jay never gets attached and if he remembered Emma like he did when they did hook up that spring, neither did she. She couldn't ever bring him home to meet the parents. It was perfect.

He lit the lighter and she took the first hit and then everything changed. She passed it to him as she exhaled, "Now you." He smoked it quickly and gave it back to her, they went back and forth until there was nothing left and then the giggles started on both ends. "How bout we hang out this summer, Nelson."

She started laughing shaking her head, "Are you nuts?"

"Hear me out."

"No!"

"Why not?" He asked her.

"Because like we don't have anything in common."

"So? And we do."

"What?"

"We're bored and lonely!" And he muttered softly, "and kind of horny."

"Ew, what happened to I don't want to hook up with you?!"

"Ew? Thanks, Green. Look I don't know but you come to these parties, at least talk to someone. Let that someone be me! I know we hate the sight of one another but it's just for the summer."

"You're a poet and you don't even know it, but the answer still stands no."

"What if I told people you smoked with me? Maybe Manny?"

"Manny wouldn't believe you." And then her smile faded, and she took his threat a little more seriously. If she did it back in the spring, then she'd for sure do it in the summer she thought. He knew her Achilles heel - she cared way too much what people thought. It was Jay's way of keeping tabs on her, "If we did this, no one can know."

"I have conditions."

"Name them."

"You can't go falling in love with me. You have to get tested because of -"

"That won't be a problem, Nelson."

"You will call me by my name."

"Okay Emma," It felt strange calling her by her name and then he asked, "and what else?"

"When I call it off, it's over and we never speak of this like it never happened."

"Deal." He said with a nod.

"Alright then, if you want to hang out that bad this summer - here we are." Emma picked up her beer from the floor of the van and took a sip, and he and her clinked red plastic solo cups. "It's settled."


	3. Chapter Three: Virtue

Chapter Three

Virtue

"I like that you have virtue or whatever" Emma recalled what Jay told her backstage during Dracula. It was something she disagreed with. She felt didn't have that being that she was inches from life just a few weeks earlier from that moment, how could he say that?

It was summer late afternoon and Emma and Jay were alone in the ravine smoking weed up high in a tree, they were holding on the branches and seated on a strong branch and they were pretty much silent and it was on her mind. He glanced over to her she was quiet and deep in thought, he whispered quietly, "what's wrong?"

She shook her head and replied less than sure, "Nothing."

"You were zoned out, what's on your mind?"

"It's nothing Jay, don't worry about it."

"You don't look so sure."

She made a face, "It's stupid."

"You sure you're not bugging out?"

"I'm bugging out." She muttered sarcastically rolling her eyes as she took a hit and passed it back to him exhaling a cloud of smoke.

"Somethings on your mind. Let me take a wild guess. . . "

"Please don't -"

"That asswipe at the pool." Jay grinned trying to get her to smile.

"That's it." She lied wanting him to shut up, but he saw through it she enthusiastically quipped, "do you want a cookie? You don't even know him."

"I'm a pretty good judge of character, Emma."

"Yet here you are hanging out with me."

"What do you mean?"

That's when the mood changed, she didn't look at him she just got quiet all of a sudden. "I'm a bad person." Emma confessed avoiding his eyes, "and you . . . you are too."

He wasn't sure what to say to that, but he took it in stride. He likes being considered a bad person, but he was concerned that she thinks she's a bad person. "I don't think you're a bad person."

"Look at me, I mean really look at me." Jay couldn't deny what he saw beside him a conflicted, beautiful, educated and sad girl. "There's something seriously wrong with the fact I have exactly one best friend who's at camp, I have almost gotten myself killed this year, Chris thinks I'm this big huge slut, the guy I'm interested in isn't remotely interested in me because I'm too chicken shit to say a word to him, I'm hanging out with you, the biggest social outcast in Degrassi and -"

"You know something? You've got a such a stick up your ass, Emma. You're afraid to have fun. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person."

"What do you mean?"

"You're a goodie goodie. You know?"

"Virtue." She sighed, "it's a curse."

"No, you're a good person. Screw Chris, he doesn't know anything. His opinion doesn't matter."

"What about Nate? O-or what Peter-"

"Who the fuck is Nate?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Evidently it does."

It got quiet again before she got candid, "I feel like I'm so many people."

"What do you mean?"

"For my mom and Snake I got to pretend I'm perfectly fine, for Manny I'm supportive best friend despite the fact she abandoned me this summer, I've never felt so lost. I know she goes to camp but I needed her and she's gone. Don't even get me started on Sean . . . Jay I don't know who I'm supposed to be around you. You don't even know me." Emma's eyes started to watered with a sigh, "I haven't told anyone what I just told you."

"Your secrets safe with me." For the first time he felt like he had an inkling into who she was even if she was clueless. He could relate. He could sympathize, "So you gave some thought to what I said back then, huh?"

She just nodded. She didn't want to cry but she felt like she was going to do just that around the last person she wanted to cry in front of. She just nodded her head and looked back down at the ground holding onto the branches of the tree they were sitting on. Jay couldn't help it, he couldn't hold back anymore. "I didn't know who you really were at that time, for what it's worth. You're right. I assumed you were simple not in a dumb way but you're simple as in not complex. Boring. Regular. You're none of those things. I just thought that you'd bounce right back into the fold. Now I know you're complex and it's not a bad thing."

"I'd rather be simple. It hurts too much to be anything but." Crestfallen, she confessed. You could hear the hurt in her voice. "It hurts me when people think I don't like to have fun. I don't like to do things regular teenagers like to do like I'm porcelain. It's like, I'm regular too. Shit like that makes me so angry."

"Then you should do something about it. Unapologetically, be you. You're only young once."

"I care too much what people think of me." She wistfully looked away. "I've never been this honest before."

"How does it feel?" He asked.

"Weird." Then she looked at him, "for someone that everyone thinks they know, they don't know me at all. And now that you do know, what do you think?" They were pretty close in proximity. His thighs were touching hers and for once she didn't mind it.

"It doesn't matter what I think." He told her rather honestly, observing the moment and taking it for what it is. It's like she was daring him to make a move but he for once held back. They were still sitting close. He wanted to be so much closer to her. He inched even closer almost like he wanted to kiss her, really kiss her not the just hooking up and fooling around kissing but something told him not to. Normally he'd be flirting with disaster and he's just now realizing she's playing a part in her own life and she can't stop.

"Sure it does." Emma argued with furrowed brow not moving forward or inching backward, he didn't know what to say as a pause laid over them. She was expecting him to say something profound or take in an action, and then she did something unexpected she jumped down from the tree landing on her feet on bent knees changing her tune. "Fuck it, thats stupid. I don't care what you think. Sorry for bugging out on you." And just like that the moment was over.

Jay took a drag of the blunt that was now just a roach. He dropped it onto the ground and followed her, "You're a bad liar."

She whipped her head and body around, "What do you mean?"

"You care to some extent what I think."

"I know what it's like, to be left behind, I can relate. When Sean left without much of a goodbye yeah it sucked. Spinner's trying to get back into Hotsauce's good graces and I'm just here being me so I get it, Emma."

"I'm not used to you using my name."

"Well it was your request."

"Well thank you for being so accommodating. Anyway I better get home it's getting late."

"Can I uh, walk you?"

Emma thought for a second before going along with it, "Sure."


	4. Chapter Four: Virtue

Chapter 4

Nightmares

Jay and Emma walked together past The Dot and as they turned the corner they saw Peter walk out with a few girls giggling his remarks as he filmed around. Emma then faced Jay you can see the red cheeks and a horrified look on her face, "This was a bad idea."

"Not like you will even talk to him in the first place."

"Yeah of course not - not with all those girls." Emma sighed.

"Well screw him."

Emma rolled her eyes as they continued walking, she just kept talking, "He's always with that turquoise tankini tramp. What if they date and I never get a chance?"

"Emma this is stupid, look at her. She's like what Cher calls a monet in Clueless."

"You've seen Clueless? And what do you mean?"

Jay ignored her first question and just went on, "Please, she's a monet."

"Say what?" Emma raised her eyebrow.

"Put it to you this way, being a guy I am brutally honest and I'll tell you straight up. You look at her from far away like we are she looks like this total knockout babe right?" Emma nodded and shrugged, "but then you got closer you'll see she's a big old mess, total butterface." She giggled shaking her head. "See what I mean now?"

"No but that was funny." She smiled, "I didn't know you liked romantic comedies."

"There's lots you don't know about me, Emma. You'll see that we're not that different."

As they turned the corner to Emma's street she waved goodbye to Jay and walked into the house to hear her parents bickering over bills more than likely. During the time she was struggling during the school year they were arguing over her, and now they're self destructing over themselves.

She retreated to the basement before they could hear her come in. There was a reason she didn't want them to see her because she was still high from earlier and because she didn't want to start another fight constantly walking on eggshells. Emma threw herself onto her bed and sighed. She took a big deep breath and threw her pillow on top of her head so she can muffle the yelling. She could still make out what they're saying. She just waited until nightfall so she could go to the party. She waited till nightfall so she could forget and escape through her basement bedroom window. Initially she thought it was pathetically sad that the only thing she has to look forward to is to get absolutely plastered and forget about her troubles even if it's for a little while.

She rolled over on her stomach and closed her eyes and fell asleep as her legs hang on the side of the bed. She hated being alone with her thoughts because usually it's when the flashbacks begin. She's in the hallway with Toby as they hear the gunshot that she later discovered was Jimmy. And then she sees the haunting expression of Rick at the edge of the hall. The chill in his voice. And then she's usually reminded of her lingering feelings for Sean that just ferment without closure. He saved her life this is true, from what though? She wonders. A summer of wasteful existentance? A life of being haunted by the memories? A life of feeling lost? Sometimes she wished so hard he didn't go so she'd have someone in her life that understood her trauma. Little did she know, the guy she's been spending her free time with had everything to do with the events that unfolded that day. She woke up in a cold sweat as the gun goes off.

Emma struggles with sleep because every time she closes her eyes she's faced with her worst fears. What if Sean never came by? What if Rick had shot her point blank? Would everyone be better off without her? She never told people this side of being the last one standing. Just that it was scary and she was struggling with the post trauma but she simply buried those feelings to save face. She didn't want to be hospitalized or see a shrink. She wasn't suicidal, she just simply didn't want to exist on the planet anymore. She felt like a ghost but it wasn't her doing the haunting.

She decided to get up off the bed, it was around 7 and get on the computer. She noticed a bunch of people were online Jay was on, Manny must've found herself an internet cafe near camp but she didn't want to talk to them. She scrolled down her buddy list and took notice to one name in particular who was on: Sean. She somehow got the courage to click on his name and look through his info. It was blank. Emma almost typed a message but struggled to say anything. She was somewhat surprised when he decided to message her.

whocares: hey how have u been? how is your summer?

sparklespaz: hey, i've been ok. summer has been boring lol

It was a lie. She was far from just okay.

sparklespaz: how is wasaga?

whocares: eh it sucks, how r ur parents?

She couldn't believe it was real. She was talking to him. He messaged her first. She tried to keep it cool calm and collected but honestly she dreaded this question. She kept typing and typing but finally she answered.

sparklespaz: they're ok, healthy i'll tell them you said hi

Between the hospital bills and whatever insurance didnt/doesnt cover Emma's family is in financial ruin. They both, her mom and Snake have to work hard just to make ends meet. Emma offered to get herself a summer job but they want her to focus on her studies and not worry. She feels all sorts of helpless. On top of their back and forth argument's mostly about money its been a strain on everyone.

whocares: weird question but how do you sleep? i can't really remember the last time i got a full night.

whocares: i see a shrink now, believe it or not its been really helpful bc last spring i wasn't able to sleep i sometimes take ambien to sleep but sometimes the nightmares are too much.

She wasn't sure what to say its all been so hard.

sparklespaz: haven't been myself lately with the sleep

sometimes i don't sleep i have nightmares too :

whocares: it sucks

whocares: if you ever wanna chat on here i usually get online when i can't get to sleep, i gotta go right now i work at this place on the boardwalk don't forget to tell your parents hi

sparklespaz: ok nice talking to you bye

whocares signed off at 7:45 PM


	5. Chapter Five: Truth Comes Easy

Chapter Five

Truth Comes Easy

After the messenger conversation with Sean she felt like she hadn't really dealt with the shooting in a healthy way. She had her doubts she was handling everything wrong, but she also knew that she was doing the best that she could given the circumstances. Her thoughts were interrupted as she got a message from Manny.

sMiLeYgUrLxo: hey em how is summer? i saw your pool pictures on fb you look so pretty.

sparklespaz: ty ugh summer has been so boring without you ! i havent been doin anything

sparklespaz: i have a crush on this guy at the pool hes so cute

sMiLeYgUrLxo: so whats he like tell me all about him?

sparklespaz: we havent exactly talked

sMiLeYgUrLxo: c'mon em you never had an issue talking to guys before, i come back next week i stg you better tell him before i get back so he can seek my approval

sparklespaz: manny i can take care of it, but hes always surrounded by this posse of stupid pretty girls

sMiLeYgUrLxo: well then em i suggest you find a way to make your move before y'kno someone else does and i know that's the last thing you want

sMiLeYgUrLxo: damnit, i have like a second left, i g2g but tell him!

sMiLeYgUrLxo signed off at 8:26 PM

She hated lying to her about the whole ravine and Jay thing but she had to. The last thing she wanted was for Manny to come out with her protective side. She knew exactly what Manny would say. Emma sighed with frustration over the conversation being cut short. She needed to vent but it seemed like the only person she could vent to was Jay. He was unknowing and unbiased to the truth. He didn't care. He was detached. Manny has a bias.

She changed put on sneakers and a denim skirt and a black shirt and walked to the ravine after going through her bedroom window by stepping on the washer. She wondered if she was over dressed and second guessed the decision before dismissing that notion. She saw Jay in the usual spot, he offered her a beer and she accepted. "You clean up nice, just sayin'."

She nodded, even subconsciously it was like she wanted his acceptance. Still unable to accept a compliment she deflected, "This old thing? It's nothing."

He wasn't convinced but he surely dropped the subject, he sipped his beer as they walked to the van, He leaned against the door and asked her quietly, "You know, the vans not just for impromptu tours and smoking."

"And?" Emma asked knowing what he was implying.

"You probably don't want to go inside."

After the day she had she didn't think twice about it, she just plainly replied, "I don't care."

He opened the door ahead of her and she stepped inside. It was empty as they suspected. It was almost as if he wanted to talk her out of it. They were inside and she turned around as he stepped closer, "There's something I've wanted to do for a long time." he put his beer down on the ground and advanced forward.

Emma furrowed her brow expecting him to just shove his tongue down her throat like the first time she was in the van alone with him. Instead she simply asked, "And that is?"

"I want to do this right." he paced she was confused for some reason. When did Jay ever care about doing anything right? She knew what he wanted to do.

"What right?" she asked.

"This." And then he leaned inward and cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. And she reluctantly kissed him back. This time she didn't care how far it went or what they were doing she didn't want to hear him talk, tease her and make his typical remarks. She wanted an escape, and this was it. He was surprised she didn't pull away and protest.

They just continued kissing eventually though she led him to the dirty mattress on the floor of the van stepping backward remembering with eyes closed. It was the first time they didn't smoke first, or drink a bunch. For once, it was real. She fell backward and landed in the right place. He broke away from the kiss for a moment looking at her before asking, "You alright, Green?"

She just nodded before they resumed kissing he decided to take things a step further trailing kisses from her lips to her neck. She didn't care that he broke one of the cardinal rules in them spending the summer together calling her some weird nickname. Emma opened her eyes in surprise before simply taking it in. She decided that this was it. She always imagined this moment with someone else, that someone being Sean but she knew Jay was there and listened to her and wasn't afraid of her or what she had to say. She closed her eyes and just took this moment for what it was throwing caution to the wind.

Jay though felt conflicted inside, he knew Emma was vulnerable and that just made her more and more attractive to him. Not because he wanted her to fall prey to him but that she had an edge, that she wasn't afraid to open up regardless to what she may say. He liked her virtue. In fact he liked her. He knew moments of honesty were fleeting with her so he too took this moment for what it was.

He proceeded to test the waters by cascading his arms around her as they traveled throughout her body while he returned to her lips. He could hear her breathing labor, he could tell she was into it. She paused for a moment as he reached her chest with his hands, but then she kissed him again after he removed her shirt. She had her eyes closed but she kept reaching for his shoulders to pull him closer so she could let him know it was okay to keep going. She didn't want him to stop. He stopped for a second to remove his hoodie because things had heated up to a certain point both literally and figuratively.

To Jay it felt so wrong but something about it felt right. He slid his other hand under her skirt and to his surprise she didn't stop him, and then they heard a knock, he just hollered, "It's occupied."

The knock stopped and Emma caught her breath she looked at him and then he at her before she said, "Should we stop?"

He didn't want to but something about her asking made him wonder if it was a good idea to keep going. He grabbed her shirt off the floor and then tossed it to her playfully, afterward he put back on his hoodie, "I guess someone wants to use the van."

"I -I uh," Emma was confused but she placed her black tee over her head and her arms. "Yeah lets just get plastered."

He beamed at her as they exited the van and saw Amy standing before them. She glared at them with her man of the evening on her arm, "Amy."

"Well if it isn't Greenpeace and Jay, don't you two make a fine couple."

"We're not."

"Well Nelson, your hair says otherwise."

They stepped down onto the ground, Amy and her date shut the van door as they stood awkwardly outside. Emma ran her hand through her hair embarrassed, "Nothings wrong with my hair."

Jay shook his head, "Don't listen to her."

He grabbed a beer from the cooler and gave her one too, "I left my old one in the van and its probably skunked anyway."

"Yeah." Emma surmised awkwardly as she opened up her can and took a sip. "Much better cold."

A few beers later she was starting to feel good and forgot about what happened in the van. The party was still going but it started to die down and a lot of people left, but the last place she wanted to be was home and she was beginning to unravel inside. She couldn't help but think about the conversation she had with Sean today and how she didn't want to tell Jay about it but with alcohol things come out. Emma let out a giant belch and giggled. "Do you wonder how Sean's doing?"

He nodded she was surprised at herself for even mentioning Sean at a time like that, "I do. I know he could hold his own though. You miss him, don't you?." It was a stupid question because he knew she did.

Emma changed the subject and she blurted, "He messaged me on aim today."

"What?" Jay asked, "When were you going to tell me?

She thought back to earlier and there wasn't really a time where she could she shrugged, "He's doing good though, better than I am."

"What makes you say that?"

"His parents put him in therapy to help him deal with it."

"Are you thinking you need to see someone now?" Jay asked her flatly, she thought for a second before nodding her head solemnly, "You don't need a shrink Emma, what you need is time."

"I've never felt more lost in my life."

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"I'm torn, nothing is going the way it should be."

"How should things be?"

"If I were any other girl, we would've ignored the knocks."

"Fair, but you're not any other girl."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're you." Jay muttered taking a sip of his beer, avoiding her eyes.

"I don't get it."

"You're smart, little miss know it all. Don't play dumb."

Emma got up off of the bench where they were sitting with furrowed brow standing in front of him, "I don't get it."

"You're tipsy, Emma, I'm tipsy. Let's drop it."

"Fine." Emma caved, but still wanted to know what he meant. "Can I say something?"

"Sure."

"Jay, when I'm with you for just a moment I feel like I can forget about what happened in that hallway, my near death experience and be and feel normal. When I'm here I'm not the Emma everyone thinks they know. You understand? And maybe you're right I do need time to deal just like Sean did and there's no real way to deal with tragedy, but right now I feel I'm exactly where I need to be. It might be what some consider wrong."

"I know exactly what you mean. I'm the worst person to be spending your time with though."

"Why?"

"I did everything short of pull the trigger."

"Huh?"

He finally told her, "The paint and feathers . . . . it was me."

Emma gasped, she knew Jay was capable of horrible things but she never thought he was horrible. She knew Jay and the other candy bandits and Spinner sans Sean were messing with Rick all along. It might've not escalated to senseless violence but when she heard Jay confess. All she could ask is, "Why're you telling me that?"

"You can walk away right now and I'd get it."

"Why? You want to kill your guilt?"

Jay thought for a second and it was better than the truth. The truth was he was falling but he wasn't sure and he wanted to be sure of it. "Something like that."

"I knew you were bullying Rick, it's not any worse than what I did."

"What did you do?"

"It doesn't matter." Emma confessed to him.

"So it doesn't matter that I'm the reason?"

"You're not it has more to do with Jimmy Brooks and Rick. It's my fault he put a gun to me and I'll deal with it and trust me you don't want to feel the way that I do."

"How are you the one who has to carry that shit on your back?"

"Because Jay I was just as cruel as you were. I'm not that innocent."

"You cruel? Ha!" He laughed, "Mason and I threw him in a dumpster. Jimmy too. No one involved is completely innocent."

"You don't understand." She paced, "I did really terrible things to that guy. I deliberately stuck my nose where it doesn't belong, I organized the orange ribbon campaign against the guy just so I can hang out with the cool kids. I hardly knew Terri McGregor I just wanted to crusade and I got blinded. I know violence against women is unacceptable and yet that's all Rick was ever guilty of."

"And he deserved what he got."

"Does the punishment fit the crime? I ask myself that every single day. Am I being punished or something?"

"I got expelled, Mason couldn't keep his mouth shut I know the punishment fit the crime. I nearly killed the guy."

"And I just put a nail in the coffin." She closed her eyes before opening them again and looking at Jay, "I don't know if I'll ever fully deal or heal but I don't know if I could ever put this behind me."

"You will, trust me."

And that's when she erupted, "Whatever I did, I surely did not deserve a gun, yes a gun pointed at me after he while covered in paint and feathers tried to kiss me! I should've not said what I said but God I didn't want it. I don't want it now either. I did take pity on him. And the worst part was, I told him. He had no one on his side and he thought for a second I was on his side."

"How is that your fault?"

"Because!" She was angry, "the events just play like a stupid VCR rewinding and playing over and over again." She had tears in her eyes, because when she's angry truly angry out come the waterworks and this time she didn't care.

Jay pulled her into a hug, "Take a deep breath." She took a deep breath and didn't pull away she just hugged him tight and didn't want to let go. And for the first time she cried about it, and it wasn't just a few tears shed she sobbed uncontrollably. She struggled breathing but finally listened and then broke from the hug, "it's okay to cry."

"I'm fine." She lied still sniffling, and then she decided the party is over. She just decided she didn't want to be there anymore.

"Surely you're not."

"Its getting late," looking around noticing they're the only people left at the party, "I gotta go."

Jay got up from the table, "Can I walk you back?"

She shook her head no, "I said I'm fine."

"See you tomorrow."

She waved shyly goodbye and turned around to leave Jay alone with his thoughts.


	6. Chapter Six: Consequences

Chapter Six

Consequences

Emma arrived home ready to jump into her bed and sleep, she climbed through the window she was greeted by her mother. "Emma what's going on? It's almost two in the morning."

"I took a walk." she muttered casually the lights were off so her mother couldn't get a good look at her but Spike wasn't a fool she had a feeling her mom knew she was drunk or had been drinking. It felt like deja vu from the first time she went to the ravine and she was caught by her parents fortunately it was just her mother this time.

She wasn't convinced and she wasn't stupid. Afterall she was a teenager once, "You smell like a brewery. Where were you?"

"It doesn't matter." Emma sat on the edge of her bed and didn't face her mom. "when I left you guys were arguing so I guess this is what I'm going to do."

"It does matter, I'm still your mother." That stung. Emma didn't say anything after that. Spike did the rational thing and decided she had to play bad cop, "Since you won't tell me, well I guess you're grounded. Two weeks no weird 2am benders." she locked the basement window. "Honey its for your own good."

Emma whined, "Mom! Why are you so unfair?"

"Wanna make it three?"

Emma passively shook her head no, she changed the subject sadly, "What's going on with you and Snake? All you guys do is argue anymore."

Spike sighed and even though Emma knew she wanted to hear things from her mother. Finally she caved after brief pause, "Bills came for the chemotherapy and things have been really hard since financially and our relationship."

"I know that mom, I have ears."

"I guess we haven't been that discreet with our discussions about it. We both can't see eye to eye on a teachers salary and what I make at the salon."

Emma chimed in with an idea, "I would get a summer job but you and Snake already said no."

"I mean I could use some help with the salon because Sharon the broom and shampoo girl is leaving at the end of the summer for maternity leave. If you're interested maybe she can show you the ropes while you're out of school. You'll make minimum wage but there's also tips."

Emma got hopeful asking, "Okay, when can I start?"

"I can talk to her about it tomorrow and I'll let you know when."

"Thanks," Emma smiled having the first positive conversation with her mom in the longest time. "I hope things get better with you and Snake."

"Me too." Spike told Emma with a grimace. "So we'll be seeing a lot of each other for the next two weeks."

"I guess so." Emma nodded smugly.

"Drinking Emma? Really?" Spike quipped. "Its just not like you."

"It's not that big of a deal, mom. I'm like the only kid my age that never does anything like that."

"I know I wasn't drinking then I had you. I was too busy at your age. How about I bring it down to a week since I'm feeling generous? I find I'm getting a little out of touch." Spike shrugged, "don't make me regret it."

"Thanks mom." Emma turned her head to face her with a small smile.

"Goodnight, Em." She ruffled her daughters blonde locks as she got up off of the side of the bed and retreated upstairs.


	7. Chapter Seven: Sneaking Glances

Chapter Seven

Sneaking Glances

It has been at least a week or so since Emma got grounded and she hadn't been to the ravine since that one party with Jay. She hadn't seen him since. Emma had been spending that time journaling, knitting and driving herself insane with what ifs. She wonders why considering Jay doesn't mean anything to her hes merely an escape. She began working with her mom earlier that week and that's when she saw him. He passed by the salon and they exchanged looks. Finally she walked up to the entrance with her broom in hand and asked quietly, "What're you doing here?"

He shrugged, "Just hanging around, so you've been avoiding me?"

"Contrary, I kind of got myself grounded'

"You were a little tipsy and not to mention baked when you left the party. . "

"Yeah kind of." She managed a smile.

"So you work here?"

"Yep I do."

"You coming tonight?"

"I'll make an appearance."

"Good to know." Jay then walked off she smirked and went back to work, but before she turned around she looked back and saw that he had just turned his head back around. She thought for just a moment but dismissed it before sweeping the remnants of hair from the floor.

"Whos the guy?" Spike asked surprising her, making her jump before she turned around she didn't hear their conversation

She was silent for a second and answers in a absent minded voice, "Nobody."

"Didn't look like a nobody, Em." Spike giggled, "you two seeing each other?"

"No Mom, he's just a guy."

"It might be good for you to I don't know throw caution to wind and meet someone new, what's the worst that'll happen?"

"I contract an incurable disease?" Emma asked rhetorically.

Spike made a face and rolled her eyes, "Stop beating yourself up about that and besides anyone with eyes can see that guys interested in you trust me."

"Please don't be ridiculous, mom. He can't be. He's not falling for me."

"If he turns around and looks back at you when you're not looking, trust me he is."

"We're just friends." She then thought to herself, are they even friends?

"I hate to say it but you're oblivious. He looks at you the way Sean used to and you have that old Emma glow when you were talking to him."

"We talked for less than five minutes."

"Still counts for something. Why don't you go catch up with him, go on take your break? The hair can wait."

"Okay, fine."

Emma caught up with Jay in the food court. Before that though she bought herself a bottle of water from the vending machine and a pretzel from Paige at the concession stand. She awkwardly said, "hey" as he sat at one of the tables eating some general tsos.

"Did I get you in trouble?" He asked somewhat surprised to see her. She sat down across from him.

"No, my mom said I can take my ten."

"Oh." Emma wordlessly took her pretzel from the paper bag and applied some mustard from the tiny packets inside as Jay asked her, "Your mom works there?"

"Yeah, she owns the salon."

"Anyway, It'll be nice to see you at tonight's party, ravines pretty lame without you."

Emma beamed, "I've been going stir crazy, it'll be nice to get out."

"What time you get done work?"

"I get done in an hour."

"Come by the ravine after, I'll be there."

"Okay."

As Emma walked out of work changed and ready to meet Jay at the ravine she bumped into Manny on the walk home. "Manny!"

"Em!" She hugged her friend and pulled away, "where you off to?"

"Oh nowhere." Emma answered uncomfortably lying. She couldn't tell her the truth after all.

"Let's have lunch at The Dot and catch up!"

"Sounds great!" Jay could wait. Afterall the party isn't until later on tonight, sure she felt a little guilty blowing him off but Manny was back she was sure he'd understand.


	8. Chapter Eight - What Do you have to Lose?

Chapter Eight

What Do you Have to Lose?

Jay paced the ravine alone awaiting Emma's arrival. He was trying to think of something witty to say for when she showed up but for some reason nothing was coming to him. He thought about their exchange in the food court, he thought about their last rendezvous in the van and what she had been telling him little snippets about her, his confession. Was she really grounded or avoiding him? Did what he says have any merit on their flimsy relationship so to speak. He assumed she wasn't coming as an hour flew by. He decided to check his phone and he received a message from her. It read:

Sorry something came up. Raincheck?

He didn't even bother answering her back as he stuffed his phone in the pocket of his jeans, he sighed as he thought to himself why does he even bother? She's playing him and he's no longer in control of the situation. That sentiment makes him feel worse about the took out a bottle from his backpack and took a swig of it. It made him feel better, but he didn't want to be that Jay anymore. He didn't want to be that guy. Here he was drowning out his sorrows alone in the ravine, as usual.

Meanwhile Emma and Manny are catching up at The Dot and Emma couldn't help but feel crappy about ditching Jay and leaving him in the lurch like she did. Despite everything they were somewhat getting along and then she drops him just when Manny comes back home. Manny could never know the truth for fear of a lecture so she kept her thoughts to herself. Manny couldn't help but notice Emma's preoccupation at lunch. "Earth to Emma?"

"Sorry!" She jolted back to reality, with a startled expression and then decided to just talk out of her ass about her trauma which is valid but not exactly relevant, "I just feel tired I haven't been sleeping since . . you know."

"Oh Emma, it's been awhile since that happened." Manny grimaced with concern, "Maybe when schools back in you can talk to Sauve? I feel awful for not being around this summer to keep you company while you deal. Liberty said you two haven't really talked this summer. What have you been doing to keep busy?"

"I know I've been doing a whole lotta nothing and things are still really tense with Liberty. I've been trying to forget everything that happened last year but I still have the nightmares. On instant messenger I talked to Sean and he's been seeking therapy with his parents a few times a month. He says it helps. Maybe that's what I need to do."

"What do you have to lose?"

"I don't know," Emma shook her head no and spoke with hesitation, "I just don't want to burden anyone, especially my parents. I know we can't afford to do anything about it."

"Well you did mention your mom hired you at the salon, I'm sure you can save up for it and at least you won't have to go at things alone I'm back in town again. Things are going to be different this year, you'll see."

"I really hope so."

"Want to have a girls night tonight?"

Emma was quick to shut it down, "Can't family dinner."

Manny paused it wasn't the first time Emma had shut her out when she's feeling low, but she was understanding. She then finally suggested after a pause, "Well how about tomorrow?"

Emma faked a smile, "Tomorrow sounds great."

X

Emma arrived at the ravine and noticed there were several people there, Amy included. Emma took her usual spot and noticed Jay wasn't around. She just observed the people who were visibly high and drunk. It was then she saw him passed out in the grass. She jumped from the picnic table and turned his head upward with her hands. She had never seen him so peaceful. However she shook him around a bit and whispered, "Jay wake up. It's not funny."

He stirred a bit before looking up at her, "Better late than never."

"I said it wasn't funny. Why are you passed out?"

He smugly shrugged, she could smell the alcohol in every movement, "You're a ditcher," he spat.

"What have you been drinking?" She asked him.

She did the math when she saw the empty bottle as he sat up, "What does it matter if it's a party?"

"I came because I felt bad that I didn't come see you after work I just - "

"Let me make it easy for you, I don't need you Emma, never have and never will. Everything I touch I destroy. Stay away from me."

"You don't mean that, you're drunk. Why do you think I'm here? For my health?"

"Oh but I do, Emma. I do mean it. Every word I mean it go away. Don't come looking around for me because I'm nothing but trouble."

"Oh spare me. I know you don't care."

"I am and you don't belong here. You're too good for this scene. You're a good person. Your trauma might have convinced you that you're not but I see you. You've got people that care about you. As for why you ditched, let me guess, Santos is back or better yet the scumbag at the pool finally gave you the time of day? This was temporary Emma and don't worry I won't breathe a word of this to anyone."

"He's not a scumbag you don't even know him and what does it matter? I don't even care about it" She tried to hide the hurt in her voice, "why are you being like this?"

"Don't tell me you've got actual feelings for me." He seemed almost amused.

She lied but he saw through it, "Don't flatter yourself, Hogart. I just thought -"

"Well you thought wrong."

Finally she paused and angrily lamented, "You used me for what? I'll never know." She shook her head, "I should've stayed away from you, this was your stupid idea and I went along for the ride sure. I never thought that - "

"Who used who?" Jay asked, "this was real Emma, none of this was a ride or pretend. I really never felt this way toward anyone. I don't deserve to be around you, you don't deserve to see me because I'm trash."

"What are you saying?"

"What I'm saying is . . ." he started to say, "I like you and not in a . . friend sort of way. I want to be different for you. I want to do things right but I don't know how."

"Excuse me? You like me?" She asked him with a peculiar look on her face. "Why? You actually like me, you're serious?"

He then looked at her with the most sincere look in his eyes and a hint of pink dappled on his cheeks as his voice quieted down, "It's a little more than just that."

Her eyes widened, "I told you - there was conditions in all of this."

"I know. I screwed up."

"I'll say."

"Listen to me though, please. This is real, Emma! It doesn't get more realer than this shit. It's why I was so fucking upset why you bailed this afternoon. It's got me thinking about all these things. It's why I tried to push you away give you an out but you just won't go away. You're stuck in my head and I can't get you out. Emma, I'm terrified and seriously lost as to what to do! Please tell me you feel it too. Please tell me something. Anything."

Emma wanted him to stop talking so she did the unthinkable. She kissed him and not some quick peck she full on kissed him as they knelt in front of each other. There was so much passion much like the last time but this time it was much more intense and neither of them wanted it to stop. Everyone at the party was so preoccupied with their own things to even notice. Before long they were in Jay's orange civic parked in the brush not far from them. No one was going to interrupt them there. They just kept kissing as they tore off everything off of each others body until it was just them in the backseat. There were no words. There were no questions. They simply took a huge leap of faith. It would be her first time finally with someone she had never considered. They could no longer hold back. Everything was out in the open and finally they were acting upon it.


	9. Chapter Nine  A Promise is a Promise

Chapter Nine

A Promise is a Promise

Emma snuck through her window and found Manny sitting on her bed. She gasped in surprise as she hopped from the dryer to the floor. "Manny, what are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Well for starters I live here," Emma answered as she tore off her shirt and bra and put on a purple tank top and traded her denim skirt in for some pajama pants not facing Manny. "You scared me."

"Likewise, so where did you go? I expected you here in your jammies and evidently you weren't. What gives?"

"I went out. It's not like we had plans."

"Where's out?"

"What are you, my mother?" Emma sarcastically murmured as she sat down on the edge of her bed beside Manny.

"Jesus Emma, what's been going on this summer? You've been pretty mums lately." Manny told her matter-of-factly as she looked at her friend's disheveled appearance. "Have you been drinking?"

"So what if I have been, Manny? And besides it won't be long before I turn nineteen and I have no tolerance."

"You're only sixteen, you have another like three or four years."

Emma made a face and sighed, "I just don't want you to judge me."

"I take it you talked to the boy at the pool?" Manny lightened up attempted to lighten Emma's mood.

"Negative," Emma answered her turning on the television and immediately lowering the volume because it was a little on the loud side.

"So there's somebody else?"

"Not really."

"Why are you so secretive? Is it like some skeeze at the ravine?"

Emma wasn't a great liar so she didn't say anything and simply tried to concentrate and Manny suddenly was worried, "Emma . . . please those guys are the bottom of the barrel and you know it! Each and every one of them. Don't tell me you're doing that shit with one of them. Do you want a reputation?"

"Manny you don't even know what you're talking about." Emma answered humoring the situation, "and besides it's not like I'm going to go falling in love with some ravine dweller and it's only one of them not all of them. Who do you think I am?"

"I did know what I was talking about last year when you got g -"

"I don't want to talk about it." Emma dismissed her, " just want to watch tv." In reality, she wished she could talk about what had happened that night to her best friend but she knew Manny was judging, "this is why I didn't want you to know, butt out I mean it."

Manny was hurt, they had no secrets as far as she knew and knowing Emma is possibly going off the rails again worried her especially because she felt guilty leaving her alone pretty much all summer long to go camping. She knows Emma's a big girl, but she's also been traumatized last semester from the shooting and it's been a cause for her to do some questionable things and this to Manny was no exception. "I'm having fun. I'm living my best life, I promise. It's nothing to be worried about. How am I going to know when my true love comes along what to do in the bedroom, Manny? Just wing it? Just shove my tongue down his throat because I'm a prude. I know what people said about me."

"Emma can you please tell me. I promise I won't judge. Who's the guy?"

"None of your business. You know what? Just go home if you're going to judge me and keep this between you and me."

"Fine Emma, you know what? Do what you want. Just don't come crying to me when you catch something." Manny said as she snuck out the bedroom through the window she came from. Emma turned off the tv and threw herself back onto the pillows. She heard and felt a vibration on her back, and grabbed her cellphone - it was Jay.

Tonight was interesting. What are you doing tomorrow night?

Emma thought for a moment and typed,

Was it now? I'm not doing anything.

Oh yeah. Let's change that. Hang with me at the ravine say 7?

Sure.

No backing out this time.

No backing out this time lol I said I was sorry didn't I?

Say you promise?

Okay, Jay, I promise.

Okay good, well it's almost 3. Get your beauty rest as if you need it.

What are you implying?

Just implying that you're beautiful, it's a compliment.

A smile played on Emma's lips, she couldn't really help it. Finally, she typed,

Goodnight, Jay

Goodnight g… He had started to type Greenpeace but instead, he typed out,

Goodnight, Emma

…

Jay cleaned up for once he was wearing a white collared shirt and he wasn't wearing his signature hat. He was standing against his car and no one was there yet. He was sober aside from a few drags of a blunt to take on the nerves. He suddenly wanted to make a good impression even though he knew her even intimately but he wanted her to see him as more than just ravine dweller who only wants to smoke party and hook up. He saw her differently and she wanted him to be seen as something more. Finally, it was seven and he saw Emma in the brush ahead it was almost picturesque to see her walking down from the light from his headlights, her golden hair brushed neatly wearing a little black dress with spaghetti straps and some black slip-on shoes.

As she got closer she noticed him too looking like a whole new guy. She squinted her eyes shielded her narrowed eyes from the light, "Jay?"

He advanced toward her and took her by the hand, "I have a surprise."

"Who are you and what have you done with Jay Hogart?"

"It's me, I'm here I swear," he answered and then added, "and Emma I need you to close your eyes."

Emma shook her head and hesitated before closing them, "I don't know, are you going to put a frog in my hands if I close them?"

"Why would I do that? It's not a prank. I'm just going to need you to trust me."

"Now that sounds like a prank to me."

"Whatever Emma, just follow me." He guided her to a picnic spread with all of the fixings in a basket over a blanket. Over the course of the previous few months with no help from friends like Manny, he put together all of Emma's favorites just from various conversations they had. He made her a veggie burger with ketchup because he knows she doesn't eat meat - that he will bravely try, sweet potato fries from scratch, potato salad his late mothers' recipe to drink sweet iced tea from a thermos and for dessert warm apple pie and vanilla ice cream he kept in a cooler. "Do you trust me now?"

Emma's jaw nearly dropped, he had more than surpassed her expectations from him. She couldn't help but smile, "Oh my Goodness." It was a lot, especially from Jay, "I don't know how I could thank you enough but, why?"

"No reason, just because I liked spending time with you this summer and you know why too."

"Oh no." She bit her lip, "you got the totally wrong idea about that."

"Oh no what? Last night was just . . . "

"It couldn't be that bad was it?"

"Jay I told you not to fall for me. I'm a mess."

"Could you at least sit down for just a minute?" Jay pleaded sitting down by his masterpiece of sorts.

"Jay . . I wish I could but . ."

"Please, Emma. I worked real hard to make this a special night for you. You deserve it."

She suddenly didn't know what to do. She felt overwhelmed with gratitude and flattering feelings. She knew that Jay was serious when he was drunk and she merely did what she did to shut him up, but there was a small part of her who had feelings too that she was always fighting and burying. Finally, she sat down. She was quiet. He simply just basked in the moment and took it for what it was.

"Why all the fanfare? It's just lil ole me. I'm just Emma Nelson environmental crusader extraordinaire nobody special. "

"I just wanted to do something special for you, you gave me something special something I've never been given before and not what you're thinking about last night which was pretty awesome and maybe like three months ago before this summer even started yeah I thought why not let's hang out and hoped it'd happen but now that it did it made me realize a lot of things. You know, I got you all wrong and maybe you're way out of my league but I just - you treat me like a good person, and being around you I feel good or like I could be good. A few weeks ago though sure you may be right I might be a terrible person and when I took advantage of you before last year I'm sure the last person you'd want to spend your summer with but you gave me a shot and I've never respected a girl as I respect you, you're everything I want. I haven't felt this way since Lexxi and honestly, I don't think I felt that way about her that I do about you. I don't know what I'm doing or saying anymore just please eat something because like I said I worked really hard and I know I'm talking too much again but I guess I talk out of my ass a lot when I'm nervous and you give me those mushy feelings I always try to push down." Emma furrowed her brow and just listened to him, she took one of the burgers from the foil and grabbed herself a paper plate from the basket as she listened to him.

She put the burger to her lips and asked him in a humored way, "Are you finished flattering me?"

He laughed, "Eat it you know you want to."

She took a bite and was pleasantly surprised, "How did you know I like it well done?"

"I listen to you, most girls I just check out their rack but you? I don't know why."

She felt this feeling in the pit of her stomach, as Jay took the other burger out of the basket and took a bite, that he was being real with her and she wasn't being entirely honest with him. They had quite a few candid conversations but she mostly kept him at an arm's length with a few exceptions. She finally decided to say something, "I've only felt that way once and then my heart was broken for a long time."

"I feel like I had a part in that."

She didn't confirm, she simply nodded in understanding suddenly feeling a bit tearful but looking upwards so she didn't let one fall, "I don't know if I'll ever feel that way again for anyone. Since then it's been hard. I mean I've dated there was Chris sure we liked each other but we -"

"Weren't in love?"

"Right." She told him, as she took a sweet potato fry and took a piece off and put it in her mouth without thinking. Finally, after she swallowed she smiled, "I know it's like wishful thinking because last year I thought maybe just maybe I'm better off alone after what happened to me and the only one who'd really understood me and walked a mile in my shoes is miles away from me. I wouldn't be sitting here right now if not for him and it feels so wrong sitting here with you of all people but at the same time right."

They continued eating fries as Emma continued, "Jay we can't go there even if you do make bangin' cheesetastic veggieburgers and amazing sweet potato fries."

"Why not?"

"Because I said so."

"You don't like being out of control, do you?"

She thought for a moment and then answered, "I hate it. I hate not knowing what happens."

"You're afraid."

"Of you?" She questioned and scoffed, "no freakin' way."

"No I mean like you're afraid of the unknown. You're one of those people I've noticed who likes order and craves knowing everything there is to know and you fall apart when things don't really go your way and resort to your worst qualities. You're rigid in your thinking you're either with someone or you're without them very black and white and you're driven, passionate about what you love but sometimes there's this dramatic irony with you where you don't even know you want something or someone. You don't trust so easily because the first time you led with your heart it ended in heartbreak and you're still holding on to it because you don't know any better not to. I know you. I'm good at reading people. You always see the good in people, but you seem to already have your mind made up about me. You like me but I remind you too much of your past, but somehow you're drawn to me and you don't know why. You're afraid I'd hurt you and I really don't want to do that but you also don't want to hurt yourself by we're a long shot but deep down I know I'm not alone in this."

"That sounds nothing like me."

"Sure, whatever you say but you should know I fought this too. When we first met each other I thought you were this stuck up prissy know it all who people disliked because you had a big mouth and had strong convictions and then you became a conquest because for some reason I felt like it at that time and I knew you were feeling low and that's what old Jay did and now I know you the real you after all of it and my first impression of you is completely different from what I see in you now. Sure I was right about you having strong convictions, but everything else dead wrong. I don't know why you masquerade as this goodie-goodie two shoes when you're not that girl anymore or never really was. You're strong, you make Alex look weak. You can be bad. You can be cold. You can be warm. No one will ever pidgeonhole you least of all me. This isn't a game to me anymore and I told you before I don't like being messed with you're in or you're out."

Emma was uncomfortable and dusted off the fallen leaves from her legs and stepped off from the carpet inching backward, "I guess I'm out. You're being really weird tonight. This was supposed to be casual. This was supposed to be fun! We're friends and that's all we'd ever be with the added benefit of hooking up sometimes when the mood strikes but I'm not who you think I am and you're not Mr. Clean Cut you're Jay Hogart who likes to mess with people and kick 'em while they're down and everything's a joke to you. You're being so fake you don't have to front with me I already knew what I was getting into. Goodbye, call me when you want to do whatever! For now, I'm out. And maybe I am smart because only an idiot knows a tiger never changes their stripes." Emma shook her head with disgust and left him alone and to make matters worse when he went in his car to start it up it had died.

Jay decided to take the bottle of Bacardi from the back seat of his car and take a swig before he cleaned up the picnic spread after kicking over the basket causing the now melted icecream to spill out onto the blanket. He rolled it carelessly into a ball and threw it in his trunk and slammed it shut before the rest of the party arrived. He was angry but hurt. He took another swig from the bottle and wiped his eyes.

As Emma walked up the hill so many times she wanted to look back but she kept staring blankly ahead. A part of her felt guilty, he wasn't all wrong. She just couldn't let herself go there with him. She couldn't let herself fall for him, perhaps Manny was right and she fed into that. She'd never been surprised by a guy and she basically threw it all in his face. She decided that maybe it's best that things end before someone gets hurt but she didn't want to be the one who was burned even though a part of her wanted to feed into those feelings. She decided to go home but first, she decided to meet Manny for coffee at The Dot after sending her an apology text.

The next day they went to the pool after a sleepover and Manny and Emma walked by Peter and she watched him walk by while the turquoise tankini tramp as she so affectionately calls her licks a chocolate ice cream cone with sprinkles beside him. Manny followed Emma's gaze and finally whispered, "Is that him?" Peter saw Emma and smirked before turning his attention back to the girl he was hanging out with and Manny finally pushed Emma into Peter in order to get them to talk. The girl in the tankini got icecream all over her turquoise swimsuit and ran off in a panic as she cold ice cream melted.

Emma was embarrassed she managed to say, "Hi I'm so clumsy I should really watch where I was going."

Manny asked Peter, "Is that your girl you better go help her out?" as Emma hid behind her and tried exiting the conversation, Peter smirked and said, "Nah, she's just a friend. Your name is Clumsy?"

"It's actually Emma."

"Actually Emma I'm having a party tonight you girls should come."

"And she wouldn't mind?" Manny quipped as Emma just looked at him.

"More the merrier." Peter nonchalantly answered and swiftly took Emma's hand and took a pen out of his pocket and wrote on her hand, "Just don't get wet today here's the address."

Emma was mildly dying as he walked away unable to observe her face she was grinning from ear to ear. "We just got invited to a party hosted by Peter oh my God!"

"I know, thank me at any time."

"Thank you thank you thank you, bestest friend in the world we have to find something awesome to wear."

Manny took her phone out and saw an urgent text from her parents, "I actually have to jet my rents want to have dinner but I'm sure you'll find something slammin'. I'm coming tonight don't worry I'll meet you there."

"Yes!" Emma cheered as they both left the pool and went to the respective homes.


	10. Chapter Ten  Strangers

Chapter Ten

Strangers

Emma dressed in a yellow eyelet dress arrived at the party and played wallflower as she watched everyone socialize. She felt suddenly shy and out of her element and she was hoping to hang out with Manny but she's not here yet. As of now, she was no stranger to parties but this party seemed so tame compared to the parties at the ravine, too refined and less gritty and felt generally unfazed by it all. It felt more like a school dance than an actual party. After about twenty minutes of standing there feeling insecure she checked her phone and noticed no sign of Manny not even an apology or running late be there soon. She texted her the address about a half-hour earlier but then nothing. Finally, she decided to distract herself and make herself a drink at the table some whiskey and coke she stirred it with the tiny straw and felt a tap on her shoulder. It was Peter, "Emma hey, so you came."

"I came." She managed a small smile and she took a sip of her drink in a clear plastic cup.

"I was hoping you would."

"Me miss a party? Unlikely." She flirted a bit yet felt a bit uncomfortable, but for some reason felt like she had something to prove. She had wanted this for so long Peter giving her the time of day but she couldn't be bothered with him, she tried being cordial and made small talk, "you party a lot?"

"Eh not so much. I'm more of a watcher. I like seeing others have a good time. I kind of throw parties here because I have the extra space and alone time with my dad always out but I don't really "party" if that makes sense." Peter answered, "do you read?"

"I dabble."

"Think of me as a Jay Gatsby, throwing parties wishful thinking some girl might walk in."

She asked him, "A girl? Who is she?"

"Blonde stands about 5'6" without heels." He was talking about her. Peter was not some cutie at the pool well he was but he was a huge flirt nothing special. He felt suddenly transparent to her.

Emma still blushed and looked down with a beam, before looking back up at him and changed the subject as she continued sipping and casually stirring her drink noticing he didn't have a drink, "You don't drink?"

"Oh but I do, I'm just a little old fashioned I like brandy." Peter stood beside Emma and knelt down to the bottom of the minibar cabinet and grabbed a bottle of Blackberry Brandy and two tumblers. He poured a small amount in each cup. Emma put down her other drink on the table beside her and took the brandy cup. "My dad's favorite, my first drink. I don't see a point in getting blackout drunk but rather to simply enjoy the moment."

"I see, so what shall we toast to?"

"To new friends?" Peter suggested, "speaking of where's your friend?"

"I guess she couldn't make it or she'll be here later."

He lifted his glass and they clinked glasses, and Emma took a sip and turned her head and made a total face. He managed a snicker and she giggled. It was nasty and strong, stronger than her whiskey drink and put it down on the table half-finished, "I'm sorry but I'll stick with my old stand by." as she raised her cup.

"No biggie." He said to her, "it's not for everyone."

Suddenly they weren't alone, the girl who had been tailing him all summer long came over to them. "Aren't you going to introduce me?" the girl asked somewhat annoyed with Emma's presence around him, to this day Emma was sort of curious to hear her name but she didn't say anything and looked around the party again. Peter was not really into her and she wasn't so much into Peter but then she saw a familiar face. "Sean?" She whispered to herself out loud but wasn't sure if she was imagining. She simply walked away from Peter and the mystery girl. Suddenly she saw Peter wasn't worth her time anymore, why bother?

And then she walked past them and saw Sean standing wallflower where she had been minutes ago with a guy she didn't recognize. He was tall, and kind of quiet. Emma decided to be cordial, after their heart to heart in Wasaga she figured they're on good terms and it'd be rude not to say hi. She stood next to him with her whiskey drink and smiled, "Fancy seeing you here."

"Emma!?" He exclaimed immediately pulling her into a hug, "I'm surprised to see you."

"I could say the same thing." Emma beamed, it was the first genuine smile she had all night.

"How have you been, this is Kyle we go way back. He invited me to this party when he saw me at the store. I'm mostly in town because I had to get some stuff from Ellie's place because she's moving out and I'm moving back to town in a few weeks just put a down payment on the place. . I decided it was time."

"I'm glad your back in town. I'm doing alright."

"I've missed you." Sean told her rather honestly, "I've been thinking about you since I left. How've you been holding up since . . . you know?"

Emma decided to keep things light because she didn't want to rehash it, "I don't know, I don't really want to talk about it." She started to say politely, "It still freaks me out to think about, you know?"

"It took me a while to open up about it too, for the first few weeks of therapy we sat in utter quiet me and the psychiatrist. I had trouble sleeping so he prescribed some antianxiety medicines and something to help me sleep. I went through some periods of insomnia because I was having pretty shitty nightmares and shit. How have you been holding yourself up? You look good, well you seem good, right?"

"At least I'm not alone."

"Has Tobes been okay?" Sean asked her, "I know they were kind of friends he and Rick."

"We don't really hang out in the same circles, he's kind of a loner and in the beginning, we talked a bit after the vigil for Jimmy but he just seems to want to forget all about it so nah not really."

"I remember when it was you four and I felt like the odd man out," as he talked about old times with JT, Toby, Manny and you." He reminded, she suddenly didn't mind the party because someone unexpected yet welcomed showed up she just was in that moment, and she liked how he brought up something she never heard before, "probably because I moved around town later I don't know but you guys were like this core four at the time and Liberty and I was like among the outskirts of it."

"I never looked at it that way. You were a big part of well

."

"I guess so." Sean smirked before changing the subject, "I'm parched where can I get a brewski?"

Emma led him to the table, and she looked around, "I don't see any beer mostly liquor."

"Ah okay. What are you drinking? I'll have whatever you're having."

"Whiskey and coke it was the only basic drink I know how to make." Jay introduced her to whiskey and coke. It was his signature cocktail after all. She was hoping Sean wouldn't mention him but then he did.

"Jay's favorite, he told me he got expelled."

"He did." Emma remained tight-lipped about the summer, she knew all too well. "I wouldn't really know the details."

"He bullied the shit out of Rick."

'Who didn't?" Emma asked matter of factly.

"You?"

"I made his list afterall, doesn't that state the obvious?" Emma muttered in question as she made Sean's drink trying to distract herself from the trauma while stating it plainly. She grabbed a straw from the table and put it in his drink, "you want ice?" He nodded, as she took the tongs from the ice bucket and took out a few cubes and then a few in her drink.

Sean wordlessly realized Emma was trying to forget and she had a tinge of regret, he then gladly changed the subject and said, "Thanks."

"Anytime."

"We should hang out sometime when I get settled in."

After a pause she realized this was actually happening she remarked in response, "Yeah, we should."

And then she realized what he truly meant and even that was okay, but somewhat forward but she didn't speak on it. She just smiled and he smiled back he asked her, "Cheers?"

"Of course." Emma answered before raising her glass, and he followed the gesture, "cheers -"

"To new beginnings?" Sean questioned. And then in unison, they both said it out loud.

"I should get back to my friend, but message me online." Sean told her rather seriously, "I mean it don't be a stranger."

"Why would I be?" She got that uncomfortable feeling of loneliness mixed with guilt as he said that as she bid him goodbye for that night anyway but her focus shifted when she realized she had made a real blunder out of the situation. She fully came to this party to forget about Jay but for some reason, she couldn't stop thinking about him and if Sean were to ever find out it'd ruin their newly minted friendship. When were Sean and her ever really friends in the first place? She thought but then everything felt right with them, the timing was right, they spent time apart but why was her mind wandering to the night before? She decided to leave the party on a whim, even if Manny decided to show she simply knew that Manny can hold her own and she'd leave if she didn't see her. Unbeknownst to Emma, Manny was running late and on her way after a brutal argument with her parents.

When Manny arrived she had pounded down a few makeshift long islands made by the guy she really didn't know well and she was pissed that Emma had bailed on her so she kept drinking. She was disappointed but she kept watching the party and felt out of place like Emma. The fight was about acting and the money she earned over the previous summer.

She ended up talking to none other than Peter for a bit and they ended up hooking up.

Peter was good at keeping up appearances. He wasn't this nice guy who drinks the occasional old fashioned brandy-like he was to Emma. He took a picture of her with his camera as she laid in bed like some type of sick trophy. In fact, Manny was too drunk to really notice his room was akin to a frat house of sorts with a shrine of photos of other girls and conquests, he pinned the picture of her butt naked as she slept beside him after they had done the deed.

Elsewhere Emma decided to go to the ravine where she saw Jay hanging out by a bonfire with a bottle of whiskey, "Look at you." He muttered laying on thick the anger from her rejection the night before, "here to gloat?"

"Look, Jay, I don't want any problems." She started to say, "can I say something?"

"Go ahead." Jay murmured as she knelt beside him and took a seat on the log. Party was in full swing but they were the only people by the fire.

"I'm sorry." Emma told him, "I feel some residual guilt for the shit I said the other night. Can we start over? What you did for me was really nice and I threw it back in your face because . . . I don't know why but you didn't deserve that and I'm just really sorry. You've been good to me and I haven't been entirely honest with you."

"Are you finished?" He asked as if he wasn't listening because he probably wasn't.

Emma recoiled, "I was

to apologize."

"It doesn't sound believable to me."

"Fuck you, Jay." Emma crossed her arms and walked away finally he got up and grabbed her arm, and she turned around, "get off me."

"Let's just go in the van, fuck last night, fuck all the talking. I don't want to talk to you but ah fuck it. What do you want Emma?"

"Nothing," Emma told him honestly staring him down. She wasn't afraid and she didn't back down. She wanted him too, but not in the romantic sense. She wanted a repeat of the other night except for no strings attached and no feelings even though it was far too late to pretend she didn't care even if she's in denial something kept bringing her there in that ravine in front of him.

"Follow me." He instructed her as she followed him blindly with complete trust as he walked to the van and stepped inside he pulled her in and slammed the door. He stood in front of her and her in front of him and then he pulled her close to him and they simply primally invaded one another with no words, no questions, no confessions, no nothing.

Inside there were millions of thoughts bubbling their brains but no words escaped their lips just primal sounds and breathing to follow but they both wanted things to be simple. How they longed for each other's company as they tore each other's clothing off but not because they didn't want to be alone. It was complicated but they tried to make it simple and maybe it once was but they can't go back from here. It was forbidden in such a way that made it all the more alluring. The sensation of wandering hands along her slender frame made her want him even more and there was no shame between them. She just wanted to live in that moment and worry about the consequences tomorrow or perhaps maybe even never. It wasn't delicate it wasn't romantic it was lustful, rough and primal like cats in heat they wanted more until it was over, he kissed her neck, she scratched his back they felt so free yet caged by their feelings that it all became too much there were no boundaries despite how emotionally closed off they were.

It lasted a while more than an hour of them feeding into temptation without thinking of how they felt for one another or could've felt and when they were finished she turned her back to him lying on her side on the smelly shag carpeting she despised, and then she got dressed again. She felt dirty like she did her first time in the van when she and Jay hooked up but this was a whole new level of skeeze. He put on his clothes too, he hesitated looking at her change and wanted to say something even if it was a joke but he didn't because there was nothing to say at the time and for once they were on that same wavelength. She just thought for a moment in the boiling van that smelled like beer, marijuana, and sex that it was less complicated this way and that they were better off that way. It couldn't be real, they weren't ready and maybe just maybe they'll never be at least not for one another and this too like her feelings will eventually fade away like the release of tension they experienced that night.

She thought back to what Sean had said earlier in the evening about strangers and don't be one, her exchange with Peter she didn't even know what she was anymore, who she was but all she felt was marred at that moment. She said her first words to Jay with much detachment in her voice, "You got that bottle?"

He passed her it wordlessly she didn't know why he was still sitting there and she took a swig, he warned he still somehow managed to show "It's like 100 proof."

"I don't care." Emma was determined as she swallowed hard and tried not to make a face while sitting up.


	11. Chapter 11  All Downhill from Here

Chapter 11

All Downhill from Here

"Ugh, where is it?" Emma mumbled to no one in particular, fumbling with putting her clothes back on in the dark in the crumby old van. They didn't say much, she looked at Jay uncomfortably and quietly. She couldn't help but notice Jay was acting so different and strange. He took another swig. Finally she cleared her throat to get his attention and announced to him, "I should go."

Jay shook his head and stuffed his thoughts but still was silent. He finally looked at her eyes; they were glassy, she smelt of alcohol and bonfire cinders. She was in no condition to go home to her parents. He had a feeling this is an all night ordeal. Finally he spoke, "You're plastered, you should sober up before you go home."

Emma managed to get wasted from the gulps of 100 proof whiskey, Peter's brandy and her two mixed drinks but still not drunk enough to pass out. She could barely find her clothing strewn all over the back of the van, so Jay helped her. Jay was used to drinking and could handle more than her.

He was concerned but still bothered by these feelings despite everything he bit the bullet and Jay decided he had to help her home but he wanted to maximize the time they're spending together so she'd sober up. It was late, about 12:30 nearly 1 which was around the time she typically leaves. So he did what anybody would do in this situation and hoped she'd say yes, "You hungry? I'll drop you off after we get food. Deal?"

Emma hesitated debating with herself, finally able to make out where her shoes were in addition to her other clothes, but she couldn't deny she had worked up quite the appetite. "Deal," she told him with her hands modestly across from her chest turned around not facing him as she attempted to put on her bra, "turn around would you?"

"Please, like I haven't seen them before." Jay rolled his eyes and Emma made an annoyed face and did what he was told. He walked behind her and passed her the rest of her dress which was now wrinkled on the shag carpeting by the mattress and her pink victoria secret panties.

She asked him rhetorically, "So what?" before she managed a hushed, "Thank-you." Emma eventually weakly leaned on Jay as he led her to his car. They arrived at McDonald's to get the food because he wanted to make sure Emma ate in the drive thru.

Emma confessed to Jay she hadn't eaten that day so the alcohol and a few chips from the party was the only thing in her stomach. Emma opened up her clutch bag and saw she didn't have any money because she forgot she spent money on a cab to Bennett Park from Peter's place, "I would say I'd pay for my own but could you spot me?"

"Sure whatever. You don't have to pay me back or anything."

"You sure?" He acknowledged her and then she added another shy, "thanks."

As they pulled up to the speaker Emma couldn't help but notice she was at McDonald as she saw the sign when they pulled up, "One thing I guess I should mention is I don't eat meat." He was visably annoyed, "I know, I'm sorry."

"I'm sure there's something you can eat here; they're the only place open."

The speaker made Emma jump when they said, "Welcome to McDonalds may I take your order?"

"Yeah I'll have a Quarter Pounder with Cheese Meal, with a coke and she'll have a large fries," he turned to Emma and she mumbled, she'd want a sprite.

Jay paid and they decided to park in the lot after he got the food and drink, "Emma foods here."

She jerked herself awake. She was in and out of it. Jay was somewhat annoyed and had a hard time resisting the urges to confront her and drop her off at her house and wash his hands of her for real but he didn't want to just leave her to her own devices, not in that condition he learned his lesson from Amy; who was another binge drinker. Amy suffered alcohol poisoning and could have very well passed from it, she was lucky she surivived despite having to get her stomach pumped but it didn't stop her from drinking again. They didn't end up going to her house in the end because it was getting late and she told him she's convinced Manny is gonna hate her and didn't specify why he was somewhat relieved Emma wasn't a mean drunk.

As they ate, they largely ate in silence. They didn't talk about the fact they had sex, in fact they didn't talk about them at all.

Emma wasn't comfortable with the silence and mumbled on about Manny being mad at Emma for not sticking around the party but said that the party was a bore. Emma wouldn't shut up about it but when they were eating in the car Emma kept apologizing and said she feels like she's living two lives - which is a fair assessment she didn't mention Sean but she mentioned, as she slurred, "How did you know that Peter is shit?"

"So you finally worked up the courage to talk to him?" He felt some residual jealousy he tried hard to hide but it came out in his tone.

Emma concluded with, "It doesn't matter. You were right. You are smart."

"Sure, Em. I know when the alcohol wears off you'll be gushing over him in no time."

"I promise you I won't." She giggled, shaking her head, "thanks again for dinner I forgot to eat. Sometimes I do that."

Jay hated how cute she was and he resented her smile and how she could be smiling at a time like this. He asked her, "A lot on your mind?"

She nodded, "Of course, I went from spending years thinking I'm one person and now," she hiccuped and burped, "look at me. I'm hanging with you, eating McDonalds like one of the cooler kids I never knew or was tight with? You know?" Jay tried to suppress some embarrassing chuckle but she had a point. He couldn't stay angry with her for long, or at all.

"I'll admit Emma you're one cool girl."

"I'm cool." She laughed somewhat manically, and hiccuped again. "I aint cool but you are."

"I am?" He faced her sipping his soda, "I'm an expelled drop out apparently I'm the definition of cool. Who knew?."

"You know something," Emma managed to get serious for a moment, "You're the only one who gets me, I mean really knows me the real me."

"I like the real you." Jay admits, "like I said you're a cool girl."

"I like," She then whispered, "oh crap."

"What's wrong?"

Suddenly she is interrupted by projectile vomit. At least she had enough awareness to open the car door to let it out. Jay leaned over and offered her a napkin. She took it and they rode to Jay's in silence once again. Jay couldn't help but wonder what she was going to say next.

Emma recalled she said at least I didn't get blackout at the party in a sing-song slurred voice. She was sort of being flirtatious, not able to keep her hands to herself while he was driving but Jay rebuffed her advances knowing well she wasn't in the right headspace. In the time between the advances and home she fell asleep and was passed out. He knew she was breathing and that she was okay but not well enough to go home as they pulled up to her place.

He was exhausted but he bit the bullet and lifted her and carried her inside and he knew he wouldn't be sleeping tonight.

Jay was kicked out of his parents house and his dad bought him the apartment to be out of his hair and out of his way - they don't have the best relationship and his mom is dead and he remarried. Jay still is hurt and upset by Emma's brutal rejection the night before and her dismissing him the way she did but he could no longer stay mad at her in her condition.

He sort of feels responsible for her being that drunk so he decided he would take care of her even if he's not happy with her right now.

He put her in his bed whilst he took the couch in the living room.

He stayed awake just in case she needed help. She could barely stand and he knew he didn't want to take advantage but the thoughts did cross his mind to want to hold her but he didn't want to cross a line and respect boundaries. In the time spent awake he did a lot of thinking which helped. He thought about how he felt somewhat guilty and responsible for how they even began in the first place. He couldn't really stay mad at her and decided to make some coffee early in the morning so he'd be okay to face Emma but he lowkey expected her to sneak out before if he managed to wake up. It was just as if he had closed his eyes he heard movement in the bedroom but waited for her to come into the living room.

She rubs her eyes and is in pain. He asked her, "Hangover from hell I assume?"

She wordlessly nodded sitting down and cupping her head in her hands before looking across from her at him yawning, "How come you didn't come to bed?"

"You don't remember much do you?" She shook her head, "probably better that way."

"You weren't kidding with that 100 proof whisky." Emma told him with a wry smile. "Last thing I remember was the van and drinking after well you know and I think the drinks I drank last night caught up to me."

"I must say you're a funny drunk Nelson. You get handsy."

She snickered with a hint of blush to her cheeks embarrassed, "Any highlights?"

"I made pancakes." Jay changed the subject and put them down in front of her, "I would've made eggs and bacon but I figured you'd want something else. Way to tell me after we were in line at the drive thru about you not eating meat."

"Pancakes are great." They sat down at the kitchen table and they had breakfast with one another. She could actually keep the food down. He gave her something for her hangover headache and some water.

Emma decided to text her mom and tell her she spent the night with Manny even if that wasn't true so if she woke up and didn't know where she was she had an alibi. Emma thanked him and he asked, "What for?" and she said "You know why, thank you. I should get going. I don't want to worry my parents." and she went home. Emma comes home and breathes a sigh of relief as she collapses on her bed unnoticed.

She got a good look at herself and smirked at her reflection before she rolled over on her stomach. She lifted up to grab her sock monkey to snuggle and noticed that Jay had left a mark upon her neck she whispered under her breath, "Fuck, and she quickly dashed to her vanity to grab cover up to conceal it quickly. She admired her work and flopped back onto her twin bed. Last thing she wanted was someone seeing it. She was fortunate she didn't have work today at the salon so she could relax and get rid of the remnants of her pounding headache. She finally closed her eyes and began to relax.


	12. Chapter Twelve: The Next Moment

Chapter 12

The Next Moment

The next morning Manny sneaks out of Peter's unseen erm well aside from Peter's maid who said she could keep a secret. She was vacuuming the foyer and preparing for the day when she spotted her. She didn't speak good English but she knew just by looking at Manny the truth Manny waved to her for some reason and exited the house carefully and quietly.

It sounded cryptic to her.

The more she thought of the weird exchange It clearly wasn't the first time this had happened but Peter was new in town but that didn't mean he didn't have a past and so did she. She also knew and assumed that Emma liked him so she felt guilty if it was him but being the last guy she remembers talking to it had to be Peter.

She just knew that two things are for sure, it would never happen again or should never happen again.

She knew how Emma felt about him all summer of pining but she didn't care she'd take it to the grave. Manny didn't notice her picture pinned to the wall but she just wanted to get the hell out of there unseen before the mystery blonde guy woke up. She didn't want to make awkward small talk.

Manny does walk of shame and sees Sean leaving the dot with coffee and talks to him and finds out he's officially returning to town. "Sean Cameron, is that you?"

They have coffee together and catch up on the deck with it being nice outside. Sean asks him, "So how has Emma really been? She was pretty mum last night."

"Oh, you saw her at the party?" Manny furrowed her brow.

Manny shrugs him off, "Honestly I'm not really sure what's going on with her. I truthfully hadn't seen her most of summer and last night something sort of came up and said she was at the party and Manny felt some sort of relief but the but was that she was kind of on edge. The other night we had a stupid fight over something really dumb I - nevermind it's stupid. We're fine though, she's fine. How have you been Sean?"

"Good," He told her, finally taking a sip of his coffee.

Manny kept tight-lipped about the hook up at the ravine she knows about but not the guy's name as if she's embarrassed or knows her friend would disapprove and Manny knew that it's none of his business and was hoping to apologize to Emma for the night before.

Sean casually asks, "So is she seeing anyone?"

"What about Ellie?"

"We're through and have been for months. I did see her like the other day to return some of her things and she returned some boxes to me."

"I guess long distance didn't work."

"Yeah." Sean told her, "she doesn't have a car so it made it harder."

"What about you?" He gestured to her disheveled ensemble. Like Emma he left the party early too so didn't see Manny arrive or see her period; but knew she was coming home from somewhere. "So who is he?"

"Doesn't matter." In reality she really doesn't remember. She saw blond hair beside her but the blankets covered his face when she awoke. "Look it's been nice seeing you, I guess I'll see you in September assuming you're coming back to school."

"Yeah! See you around Manny." Sean told her before she left, alone.

Manny texts Emma, I didn't know you came to the party. I got there late. I have so much to tell you. I wish you stayed. Maybe we can go to lunch? I'm starving, just going to stop home.

Emma just texted back somewhat annoyed that Manny was acting like nothing happened and even she was over their spat too, yeah, went home early. lunch at the dot sounds good text me later.

Emma is so over Peter. She no longer has feelings now that she's met him and spent some time with him but still has feelings for Sean that would probably never change and worries she'd have to make a choice but for now she's only having fun. Emma is sort of realizing she might have feelings for Jay but she's not quite sure yet she was grateful that he took care of her and even made her breakfast, no boyfriend had ever made her breakfast before. Jay isn't even her boyfriend and he did.

Manny arrives at the apartment prepared to hear her parents complain but she is greeted by the landlord. Manny is told by her parents landlord she no longer lives here when she sees her stuff was outside the door of her parents apartment and the locks had been changed. Manny grabs her stuff which was in a few large duffles she saddled on her shoulders and a huge rolling luggage bag.

She sneaks through Emma's window and wakes her up. "Going on vacation?" Emma jokes when she comes in.

"Something like that." Manny muttered less than enthused. She and Emma said in unison, "I'm sorry."

They both laughed at the fact they said it at the same time.

Emma wasn't really mad and apologized for being a bitch the other night and being distant and quiet in the morning. Manny apologized for asking so many questions and they made up.

Manny had brought Emma a croissant from The Dot and Emma picked it apart as they talked, whispering, "Peace offering?"

Emma told her, "I dodged a bullet I think Manny, ugh that Peter guy is such a tool" she tells her, shaking her head, "not my type."

Manny felt a knot in her stomach when some of her memory came back that she and Peter had met and she didn't have much memory between the countless shots of various alcohol in those long islands she kept knocking back as if they were water. Manny got her a water bottle from the mini fridge of her basement bedroom and an ibuprofen.

Emma noticed Manny had been crying, noticing her raccoon eyeliner and her disheveled appearance but no more disheveled than her but maybe less so. She gave her friend a face wipe from her vanity and a tissue before flopping back on her bed. She asked her with concern, "Have you been crying? Is everything okay?"

"It's my parents."

"Bad fight?" She knew Manny and her parents were rarely on the same page, mainly Joseph and his temper.

She nodded, "Not just a fight, the fight - so i didn't know where else to go so I went to the stupid party like this." modeling jean skirt and a Hollister tee looking quite casual, her clothes were now wrinkled. "I had just enough for a cab and this," she lifted her bag, "and a coffee. Where were you last night?"

Emma changed the subject back to Manny, "Well you are welcome to stay with me." Emma remembered that Spike had offered it to her many countless times when things were bad with her mom a few years ago but then again it was during the time. "How long do you think till they cool off?" assuming it'd be a few days. "Don't they believe in grounding?"

Manny was somewhat humored by Emma's light attempt to calm her down, but Manny was feeling some clear guilt from how she managed the night before. "We said a lot of stuff, stuff that hurt so how's forever for you? I don't know if I could manage." Manny looked at Emma rather seriously, "they changed the locks everything from my bedroom in luggage. It's serious. I've been disowned."

"Oh my god. This is bad."

"You're telling me."

"I just don't understand but why? What is it this time? Did he manage to find out from your mom, you know?"

Manny knew what she was talking about and gasped, shaking her head no, "Oh god no, he'd be sending me back to the Philippines in some convent somewhere. It's probably worse than what happened here for keeping that a secret and for even doing that and you know what I'm talking about. My mom knows better, that's between her and I despite how angry she is with me for upsetting my father." She sighed, "and I'll never get to go to camp again. I know it's silly but I loved that place."

"What is it though? Why is he so angry?"

"Acting."

"That's it? Why don't you just -"

"Acting is my dream and he forbade it, so basically this is it." Manny held up the envelope like it was baby Simba in The Lion King, "This is my fate. In this envelope is my debit card and a letter. My mom kept it under lock and key and was so weird about how much I spent to teach me how to like the budget and all. I'm so afraid to read because I have a feeling it's what I think it'll say and in that debit card that's all the money I've ever made a-and - they're cutting me off most likely for good."

"We don't have to read it right away."

"I don't want to ever read it honestly. I know it's bad. Emma, life is just going to get worse from here." Manny's lips quivered and she was on the verge of tears.

"You have me and it'll be okay. I'm here." Manny started to cry and collapsed onto Emma's bed and Emma pulled her into a hug, as Manny sobbed Emma softly told her, "It's okay, we'll talk to my parents when they get up."

Emma realized now within the hug that Manny is living full time with her, it'll be even more difficult to see Jay. Manny has no idea just how awful things were going to be in the future, it's all downhill from here.

Manny decided to not mention Sean and assumed Emma didn't know about him returning. She knew that Emma was likely not in the state to hear anything regarding him.

xxx

That night it was late about eleven Manny was sound asleep on the spare bed sprawled out cold. Emma quietly and quickly changed her clothes from her PJ's and decided to take a walk to the ravine and see Jay and she couldn't wait to see him by sneaking out her bedroom knew she had to make the visit quick and be home at a somewhat decent hour but she wanted to at least make an appearance. Before she left she grabbed a bottle of vodka she swiped from her parents liquor cabinet from under the bed from earlier while they were discussing ground rules with Manny.

Emma tried not to make a sound as she turned the latch on the window and crawled on out from on top of the washer machine. She thought Manny would never go to sleep. Earlier she wanted to watch a movie and then she passed out. When she arrived at Bennett the party was in full swing. She loved spending time with Manny but her moving in was going to be a challenge. She wasn't used to permanently sharing her space and losing her freedom to do as she pleases no matter the risk.

Jay was sitting with a guy on the picnic bench and passing a joint back to him. When he saw Emma he offered her a smile. She smiled back and advanced forward to meet him, his friend walked off after passing it back to him knowing full well that once Emma finally arrived Jay only had eyes for her, even if Emma couldn't see it or chose to ignore it. "Better late than never huh?"

"I told you, I have news."

He patiently waited for her to tell him, "C'mon what it is?"

"Well for starters, aside from the fact you got to be careful with your hickey placement I got a new roomie, Manny."

"That explains why you're late."

"I'm not exactly sure how this is going to work, I had to sneak out not only from my parents but from Manny too and she sleeps like three feet from the bed so it was quite the challenge."

Jay was humored that she went great lengths to see him, and he wondered about the logitists and however illogical maybe she was thawing her icy exterior for him in a way. He didn't tease her about it, he did tease her about the big bottle of vodka, "I guess it's a party now that you brought something to drink."

"Yeah, so want to open it?" Emma passed it to him and sat beside him. She smelled really good like honey and vanilla but again he saved his comments and kept them to himself. He was somehow careful around her and more mindful now about Emma's temperamental nature. He passed her the joint he had been smoking and she smoked it.

Jay reached behind him and grabbed two red solo cups and poured them some of the liquor and mixed it with some Sunkist orange soda from the cooler. Emma traded the joint for the drink and took a sip, "You should be a bartender this tastes amazing."

"Well maybe I've found my true calling, but I'll stick to my day job."

"What do you even do besides get stoned and drink with me? We hang out almost everyday."

They continued to pass the joint back and forth until it was withered away and Jay put it out and threw it on the ground which didn't take long.

"Well that isn't all I do, I am looking into vocational trading to become a mechanic. I figure you'll be back at degrassi in the fall and I need a day job."

"How's that going?"

"Huh?"

"I mean how is that going? I know you've always been into cars but I thought you just apply and they call you and then you begin working or is it like an apprenticeship kind of deal?"

"I got to enter a program for it. I didn't graduate yet so I don't have a diploma, that's the snag. I gotta get my GED first apparently, but I honestly need help." Jay told her before taking a sip of the drink and decided it wasn't strong enough so he added more vodka and tested it before being fine with it, "I wish I paid more attention in school because now this is going to be my career or I hope it to be. I mean shop class I was golden but anything else I'd pay off the nerds to write my papers or whatever so I wouldn't take their lunch money."

'You bullied and extorted to get through school? I believe it." Emma was humored but also wanted to see him succeed for some reason. She knew she could help as the stepdaughter of a teacher she blurted out without thinking, "I can help you study. He widened his eyes as she added, "it's the least I could do for you taking care of my drunk ass last night."

Before long they were both feeling good and they escaped to the van for some late-night fooling around and then some. After they were done and catching their breath they were lying beside each other and he traced his fingers lightly on her skin and uncovered stomach, she tensed up attempting to hide her laughter and stopped him, "Don't do that."

"Ticklish are you?" She couldn't lie, her face turned pink and she nodded her head, yes, and he then apologized, "sorry I won't do it again unless you want me to."

"Why are you apologizing?" Emma got up clutching her shirt and putting it over her head.

He shrugged his shoulders and told her uncomfortably, "I know we've done a lot of stuff and sometimes I can cross lines and I don't want to cross lines."

"It's a bit late for that."

"I just want to make sure I'm not blurring any boundaries."

"That's fair." She awkwardly stated, "you're right though. We've done a lot of stuff but I feel awkward talking about it."

"I can tell, you're cute when you're embarrassed."

She looked down avoiding his gaze and closed her eyes beaming, she looked back up at him, "Not all the time?"

"No, you're pretty all the time but you're extra cute sometimes."

She makes him feel weak now. She simply just said, "Aw, do you say that to all the girls?" It stung him a bit. He went from irrationally hating the girl, to not feeling anything for her and wanting to use her like prey and then to finding himself unable to get her off his mind and having no way to shake the feelings he has now. "What time you got to go home?"

"Two at the latest."

Jay looked at his watch and told her, "It is about quarter after one."

"Fuck," Emma ran her hands through her sweat matted hair. "How's it look?"

"Beautiful." He told her sarcastically, "the freshly fucked look it looks good on you." Emma rolled her eyes, "look at me rubbing off on you. I've never heard you curse. It's kind of funny." She flipped him off in a joking sort of way and he laughed. Jay got a bit serious, "I wish you could stay here."

"Here? In this van?"

"Why not?" He didn't care where as long as he was in her presence.

"You're joking."

"Fine, we don't have to stay here. We can go to my place. No pressure though."

"I know but I can't, wish I could."

"We can cuddle."

"I'll pass." Emma declined flatly.

"C'mon, I'm really good at it."

"It leads to other things."

"We already crossed that bridge so why not?" Jay sighed, and then he told her, "why do you really want to go home?"

"It didn't come up but Manny's having some problems with her family and she's staying with us now as I said earlier. She'd kill me if she woke up and I wasn't there in the morning and she'd probably tell my parents."

"What happened?"

"Well between you and me her dad has the worst temper and he basically disowned her for what she wants to do after high school."

"Well text me whenever you get home I guess."

"I will." Emma told him as she sat up and he pulled her closer and gave her a kiss before bidding her goodbye. He watched her go as always and usually he noticed she doesn't turn around before leaving but this time she did and even better she smiled at him knowing he wasn't far.

Amy stumbled over to the van, and told him, "So you and Emma Nelson."

"What is it to you?"

"You love her."

"Why do you care?"

"You didn't deny it and look at her like you used to look at Lexxi." Amy told him teasingly, "look at you, you've gone soft."

Jay didn't say anything, and what could he say? She called his bluff. Amy and Jay had been friends for years but he resents her after he and Alex split up. He took it hard.

He knew everything she said was true, "I know she'll never reciprocate or understand how you feel, she's just not that kind of girl. Her heart will always belong to someone else. You're just a plaything, take it from someone who knows. You're a dirty secret to her, a guilty pleasure."

Jay was fed up with hearing her play her manipulative mind games. Amy can be really a mean drunk especially when she drinks whiskey. She has a reputation and it precedes her to get super vindictive for no reason. She wasn't full of shit, and it did knock him down a few pegs as he tried to take her words with a grain of salt. He cut her off quickly, "Mind your fucking business, Amy. I don't want to talk to you. She is nothing like you so go with Mark and keep the hell away from me, you're disgusting."

"I'm disgusting?" She threw her head back and cackled which annoyed him even more, "Ain't that the pot calling the kettle black?" She turned to Mark, Come on Mark, let's go fool around," Amy smirked with delight knowing she got to him and didn't say any more. She took Mark by the hand and found her way with her man of the evening to the van that was once vacated by Emma and Jay, leaving him alone.

Jay realized it had been a while since he had a cigarette so he pulled his pack out of his black dickies with the lighter leaning against the van until it began to rock and then he made his way to his usual picnic table to watch the fire as the party started to die down. Jay felt a vibration in his pants pocket and it was his phone. With his spare hand, he picked it up and saw a text from Emma.

2nite was nice. jus got home safe.

Jay typed back,

Yeah it was and good

Emma continued texting him,

i'm all cozy

And then seconds later he saw there was a picture of her in her dimly lit bedroom wearing a black cami that hugged her in all the right places holding her sock monkey doll.

Jay texted her back, and typed:  
U r so cute. (= take more i'm omw home

For some reason, it made her giddy and he complimented her. He never does that. She couldn't wipe the smile off her face. She held the phone to her chest and quietly did a small dance in her bed. Somehow she lives in a universe where Jay Hogart not only gave her the time of day but she felt desired and wanted by him. It wasn't a game anymore even though she was finding it more and more alluring every time she'd try to hold back. It wasn't really as lusty as it was but she was attracted and not so terrified. She trusted him and he trusted her but she still couldn't bear to tell a soul.

He was falling for her and she was possibly, despite her reservations falling for him. Emma stayed up another hour going back and forth texting him and he got changed out of his fire-scented clothing and decided to send her a picture without a shirt in bed showing off his biceps and toned body. Emma was so attracted.

He texted:

wish you were here, ur so beautiful take another pls

Emma thought for a moment looking at her shirt and dismissed it.

She never took a nude before but she wasn't about to start now. She then decided to leave him wanting more. She was exhausted from the past few days. She texted:

as much as I'd like to, i'm exhausted. can we raincheck?

He texted back:

:(

fine but you owe me lol

i mean it when i say wish you were here, i could seriously kiss u all night among other things (;

Emma bit her lip with anticipation.

She quickly typed a response as she plugged her phone in with her spare hand, she still wasn't believing what she was reading even if it was staring her in the face. She hesitated and closed her eyes with suspense as she hit the send button. It was starting to get Emma a bit hot and bothered.

i promise i'll deliver (; i wish that too but we wouldn't be getting any sleep if you catch my drift

goodnight jayson

He yawned ready to hit the hay himself and then noticed he got another text from Emma. He quickly texted back:

I'll hold you to your word

good night em *sending kisses thru the phone*

Emma texted back tiredly:

xo

Simultaneously in their own rooms, they both laid down with their heads upon their pillows and shut out the lights looking forward to the next text, the next impromptu party, the next kiss, the next hookup, and lastly the next moment where they lay eyes on another once again. Just being in each others presence life doesn't sound so bad or as complicated as they make it out to be.

Deep down, Jay didn't want things to be so complicated. He wished Emma felt the same. It wasn't a game for Jay anymore. He wanted Emma to himself; he wanted to do everything on earth with her. He wanted to shower her with presents, he wanted to take her places, he wanted the world to know she was his, he wanted to even ink himself with her name and spill his guts. He'd never felt that sort of passionate way for anyone, not even Alex.

Jay was no longer concerned with hooking up with no commitments, no strings, he wanted more. He was tired of his old schtick and he wanted so much more. He knew it was wrong that he was wrong but he couldn't really stop or control it. Each day the feeling just consumes him. He wasn't sure what she said, what she did to make him begin to feel this way. just lied awake and whispered to himself, he broke the rules of engagement he had realized that Emma set.

He was falling for her for real. He knew he was in big trouble.


	13. Chapter Thirteen: A Day at the Pool

Chapter 13

A Day at the Pool

Emma and Manny decided to go to the pool, Manny was wearing her signature magenta bikini showing off her body and she appeared confident and happy. Emma figured going to the pool will take Manny's mind off of the family drama. On top of this, Manny got a callback, and was poised to meet Berniece Fine, an agent in the area.

Emma was wearing a pink polka dotted suit and the two friends sort of matched. They were fortunate to find a seat in front of the pool. They laid out their towels on the chairs and sat down for sunbathing. It was a hot and sunny 89 degree day, so they were more than likely going to go for a dip and sunbathe all day long. Emma kept her phone close just in case Jay texts her, they'd been flirty texting most of the morning discreetly but today was a girls day and Jay knew to keep the texting to a minimum. Emma was looking forward to the next party at the ravine that night when Manny dozed off. Emma put on her sunglasses on her eyes instead of her head and laid back. "Aint this the life." Manny told Emma beaming, all day since she got the call from Berniece she's been blabbing to Emma about how excited she was.

Emma was only half paying attention but she was happy that Manny was happy for the time being. It hurts Emma to Manny who is normally a ray of sunshine and the one who tries to lift Emma out of her depression issues down in the dumps.

"We couldn't have asked for a better day to come here."

"So this Peter guy, what do you know about him?" Manny asked.

"He's hot but he's kind of a tool." Emma muttered, looking in his general direction. He was people watching clear across the pool but he hadn't noticed them or perhaps he didn't care. Emma hoped he didn't notice them because she no longer wanted to talk to him. He was nice but that was all she knew or thought she knew. If she only knew what kind of guy he truly was. He was good looking sure, but he was aware of it.

Peter is a trust fund baby. He's the product of an affair between Hatzilacos and her former boss, the headmaster at a prestigious prep school, Peter's current school, Stone Preparatory School for Boys. The parents were briefly romantically linked and are currently divorced, splitting right a few years after Peter was born.

Peter's used to getting what he wants dad shows his love through money he's close with his dad because he gets away with murder the truth is, his dad truly had barely raised him. They're like friends. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Peter's dad hardly knows what a tool Peter is and he's out of control in a way and he's gotten him out of trouble many times. Peter's father allowed him to have a party and even supplied the alcohol because it's nearing the end of the summer assuming Peter hadn't thrown them in the past. Dad is a pushover.

He'd be raised by nannies and his mom was sort of cut out of the equation only seeing him on occasion holidays and during the summer. For school Peter wears a uniform and is no stranger to trouble. He's been expelled from many boarding schools and he's only a junior. He was blacklisted in Switzerland for the pranks he'd pull. His father decided to keep an eye on him and be closer to his mother. They split their time between each other, but he prefers to stick with dad. Co Parenting isn't the Stone-Hatzilacos 'family' dynamic. Dad dates often and marries even more often with a revolving door of substitute step mothers. Daphne doesn't let Peter get away with anything by contrast. Peter calls her by her first name.

Of course Emma and Manny know him to be the charming good looking guy and don't know any of this. If they only knew him, Emma was right to stay away.

If only Manny hadn't been so inebriated she might've been spared.

Peter finally saw Emma, the girl from the party who caught his eye but chose to leave early. She was the next on his list of girls he wanted to play and she seemed innocent enough to be prey judging by that act but like how Emma doesn't know Peter he doesn't know her well enough either. To him she was pretty like a trophy, and he wanted another souvenir. He wanted her to take advantage and toss her leaving her wanting more for the thrill of it, like a conquest like a game. She wouldn't be the first or last.

Peter would be playing with fire, and learn to never judge a book by a cover.

After about forty minutes feeling parched Emma told Manny she's going to go get them some drinks, she collided right into Peter. He smirked, but was a good sport about it. He still thought he had a chance, "Emma, right? You really ought to watch where you're going but I forgive you."

She faked a smile through it and she goes, "It won't happen again. I should really be on my way."

"Can we walk and talk?"

Against her reservations, she flatly stated, "Fine."

"So how's it going?" Peter asked, getting in line with Emma for the crowded concessions stand with Emma.

"Fine." She thought if she gave uninteresting answers he'd take a hint but he just kept talking.

"So dad is out of town tomorrow night."

"That's nice." Emma looked straight ahead watching the line get smaller and they got closer to the front.

"I'm having another party, so if you wanna come, bring your friend it should be a fun night."

Flatly answering an affirmative, "Maybe."

"I'll take a maybe." He affirmed adding, "and I figure it's pointless if a certain someone isn't going to be there."

"You mean me?" Emma asked him less than enthused acknowledging and engaging with him she was rolling her eyes on the inside but she tried not to on the outside. It was cringeworthy how he was asking her but she didn't have the heart to straight up brutally reject him. He was trying. She'd only rejected one person and well look how that turned out with a gun pointed in her direction. She was slightly amused at his attempts at flirting but it was an act. Reverse psychology, pretend to be pathetic to get the girl but with a hint of confidence. He really thinks he has game, she shook her head, "I guess so. My friend could use some fun."

"Well when you say it like that - don't even bother." He pretended to be angry. "Ugh, don't be like that," She amused , finally advancing to the window and ordering herself and Manny a large sprite and two pretzels. Peter swooped in and took out his dad's American Express and told the cashier, "It's on me."

The cashier took the card and Emma was shocked yet confused by his gesture, "Um thanks?"

"What?"

"I was more than capable of paying for it. You didn't have to do that, Peter." Emma told him, "but thank-you."

"It was nothing Emma, really. You know I'm a gentleman, I couldn't stand to see a girl pay for her things."

Now Emma's was visibly getting red in the face mad because she was not about to become entangled with Peter and have him paying for everything because he's the man in their hypothetical relationship. It was simply anti feminist she made a face and while she could've just took it stride she didn't it wasn't in her mind, "Well that's pretty misogynistic thing to say."

Peter put his hands up, "I meant no harm. I'm sorry."

"Of course not." She told him sarcastically before she told him, "I wasn't raised like that."

"I take it's a no on the party?"

"Thanks but no thanks." Emma hurriedly left Peter in the dust and returned to Manny with the sodas and pretzels in a brown paper bag.

"What took you?"

"Who does that Peter think he is?" Emma muttered opening her can of sprite. "Drink up though courtesy of Peter."

"What did he say?"

"It doesn't matter." Emma spat, "he ain't my type."

"Evidently it does, how did you come to that conclusion?."

"He told me about this stupid party at his place tonight and how he wants me to go so bad." Emma sighed, "I mean as much as I relish being able to drink to excess he's lame company and what happened out there is proof. So glad he doesn't go to our school."

"Yeah what a relief," Manny was glad she was wearing her bug eyed sunglasses so she could say what's really on her mind, she warned Emma, "Em honestly I wouldn't go if I were you."

"I wasn't gonna. I'd rather eat the meatiest of meat than go to his party."

Manny and Emma roared with laughter at Peter's expense and Emma took notice of him looking at her. "So she's a bit of a difficult woman? Psh, she doesn't know now but hasn't seen anything yet." He said to himself, Peter saw her glaring at him with a nasty expression on her face, he was angered and agitatedly kicked a stone in his path and left the pool. If there was one thing that Peter hated it's being rejected and humiliated but it gave him even more determination. He'd have Emma one way or another, and he'll find a way he thought to himself.

A few hours later, Emma and Manny all tanned and sunkissed decided to leave the pool. Emma checked her phone and saw a text from Jay.

Just thinking about you, what are you wearing?

Emma typed back:

A bikini

Jay texted back instantly:

Sounds v hot so pic 4 pic?

Emma excitedly took a selfie while Manny was showering off her tanning lotion and hit send.

beautiful emma

so what time you think u will be the ravine?

He sent a picture of him with his white tank top on, Jay didn't have air conditioning so he was hoping she'd come out sooner so he could get out of the house. All he had were a few oscillating fans and a ceiling fan keeping him cool as he was trying to study. He was smoking a cigarette and reading over some notebooks in his room from when he actually attended school.

She thought for a moment finally she typed. She heard Manny come out of the shower and called out to Emma, "Your turn."

You look like you're hard at work. I'll let you go gotta shower I'll text you when the coast is clear xo talk later

Emma got ready for some loafing around until Manny went to sleep. She knows Manny would likely fall asleep before the movie they put on will end. Jay smirked and put his phone down at his desk blowing out some cigarette smoke in his room excited to finally see her again. He had some big plans but nothing grand. He just wanted to spend time with her and didn't care what they did. Even if they just looked up at the stars and made out and got drinks, maybe a bite to eat in no particular order for no rhyme or reason.


	14. Chapter Fourteen: Inside Out

Chapter 14

Inside Out

Manny and Emma watched Mean Girls, their favorite movie.

To Emma, it was always entertaining and quotable. It was to her now, about an average girl who was leading this double life fraternizing with essentially the title "mean girls" and these misfits who were her friends. Aaron Samuels was the male lead, he was handsome, clean-cut and sweet but Shane Oman was the dirty secret in Regina's life that all but came crashing down around her when she was caught. Sean was Aaron and Shane was Jay except not entirely, the boundaries were blurred. Emma was starting to have feelings unique to both guys. For Sean she felt the history, what happened, the mutual understanding and with Jay, she felt the lust, the allure of sneaking around and freedoms being around him offered but also she found herself wondering and thinking about him through the day when they were apart. It was more than just a hook up to Emma. She was about to learn it was more than just that for Jay too.

Emma knew she wasn't the heroine, but she used to be such a Cady. What happened? Who was she now and who does she represent? She realized she was similar to Regina of all characters. She was lying to herself if it sat right with her, it didn't.

Emma asked Manny covertly, "I wonder why they don't portray Regina as real or as sympathetic as they did Cady and Janis and even Gretchen. Regina seems almost untouchable and not even real. Who do you relate to?"

"I don't know, none of them because they're all batshit," Manny's eyes were beginning to gloss over as she took her eyes off the film. As she was eating a piece of popcorn, she looked over at Emma and shrugged before swallowing her food, "It's just a movie Emma, but if you ask me nobody should ever want to be a Regina because secrets and lies they have a way of coming out and biting you in the ass. Trust me."

"Yeah," Emma faked a smile, "but Cady I don't know why she would want to get involved? Why would she want to tear down the girl who noticed her?"

"She had nothing to lose, Emma. Remember last year with Paige Emma? You were starting to change too. Thank-god your inner cause girl came out because I didn't like that side of you. I was seriously concerned." Manny yawned and stretched before retreating to the bed to finish the movie. Emma was beyond the movie they both had seen many times. Before long Manny was fast asleep in the bed. Manny didn't dare mention the ravine to avoid an argument she was too tired to, she just looked up at Emma from the air mattress and told Emma, "Sorry, don't kill the messenger."

The more Emma thought about the circumstances the more she was influenced by what Manny had to say. She thought back to Jay who she had been before so anxious and excited to see and felt all sorts of sour about it.

Emma tried to get their talk off her mind. She turned off the television and looked at her phone to see the time, it was around 10:30 perfect timing to get plastered at the ravine. This time she was distant; we find ourselves at the beginning of the story.

Emma's thoughts and realizations kind of soured her mood whether she chose to acknowledge it or not. It was a small gathering at the ravine. It was Jay and another couple and a few others Amy wasn't there or she was in the van. Party was in full swing and Jay tried to hide his excitement seeing Emma, he cleared his throat and smirked when he saw her that same old Jay smirk.

Emma softly smiled back and sat below him on the actual seat of the picnic table near the fire. "I don't bite, you can sit next to me you know?" She was acting differently and cold toward him so he gently pushed for answers, "or suit yourself."

"I'm fine right here." She answered almost detached. It was cold out both literally and the sound of her voice. She crossed her arms and just watched the others who were doing their own thing and warmed herself by the fire.

Emma and Jay had been fooling around in the van all over each other, the van that she asked to go into after Jay wanted to talk. Her clothes were off and so were his as their hands traveled over each other,

Emma wasn't feeling it, she wanted to get off but Jay was being romantic and soft when she wanted things passionate and uncaring. Frustrated, she finally blurted out, pushing him away literally and physically and killing the moment, "Stop for a second," she asked him rather seriously, "What are we even doing?"

"What does it look like?" He got closer to her but she sat up crossing her arms signaling to put the kibosh on everything at least for now. He stopped pushing at least for a little while.

"I can't." She pushed him off of her and away, she shook her head rummaging around the dim van for her clothes and purse, she wanted to leave in a hurry but Jay wasn't letting her leave without an explanation. She avoided eye contact. A big part of her wanted this to go on mostly driven by her hormonal urges and attraction but her mind and heart were saying no.

"Explain it to me because I don't understand." Jay threw on his shirt and searched for his pants as Emma was getting dressed, he asked her with confusion and worry, "Did I do something wrong?"

She looked up at him and stated, "No, not at all, I just can't do this anymore with you."

"What led you to that conclusion?"

"It's complicated." She brushed it off, her favorite excuse.

Jay didn't even think twice about it; he simply blurted out what he was thinking without hesitation. "Emma, I don't want to stop. Plus we're having fun. Normally this wouldn't bother me but it does. I don't want to just quit because I don't think I can. I love the way you kiss me and everything else. I like what we do. I love it when we talk about things when we do even if it's seldom but fuck it I like it. I don't want to let go of that. Does the summer we spent together mean nothing to you?"

She thought for a moment but refused to answer that last question. She'd be lying to him and her self that she didn't. It meant a lot to her, the world even. "Remember Jay I call the shots!" She stammered, "it's not that simple. I should have known this was a horrible idea. If I remember correctly it was your shitty idea but you made this stupid deal with me so you're stuck either way."

"You would've spent the summer sober, bored and alone if I remember correctly, but now I've been hooking you up and fuck it Emma, fine," He was about to say something more but then he stopped, and then he showed a little bit of vulnerability, "I don't want to stop hanging out with you. What is it?"

"What do you want from me, Jay? What more do you want from me? I've given everything I could give. I've been very clear with you, why does this come as such a surprise? Why don't you just accept it? Look around there's plenty of girls to bone here. You won't miss me, you won't miss them. Why me? I know exactly who you are and I'm becoming someone I don't like when I look in the mirror. I feel like I'm so many goddamn people. I feel wrong. I'm sorry if I led you on but I don't think we're on the same plane anymore."

"They aren't you!" A period of silence between the pair occurred followed by Jay breaking the silence. "Can we," Jay inched forward caressing her face as she stood still, "can we just," he looked in her eyes causing her to want to scream on the inside a yes but he finally added, "have one more night? I want you to stay." She wanted to turn around and leave but something kept her there stalling a few minutes. She wanted to tear his clothes off again, she wanted to be in his arms, she wanted to tell him how she had been feeling until it all felt wrong. There were so many things she wanted to say but they kept it to themselves. She simply wanted him, all of him but she was fighting the inevitable.

She had to fight those feelings because then they'd be real. The way he talked so softly to her on that evening, it was easier when she didn't feel the way she did or when she felt nothing at all, "Why? What's so special or whatever about me? Is it because it was easy? No strings you're only human and besides, now you don't have to worry about me or me cramping your style."

"No, not at all."

She laid it on thick with her Jay Hogart impression, "Virtue or whatever?"

He shook his head no somewhat hurt by the remark, gritting his teeth he replied, "Stop it, Emma."

"Why then?" Emma asked him, getting angry. She pushed forward, "Why?"

"Look I don't know what has gotten into you tonight, I wanted to talk and you didn't. You were acting weird all night. Quiet distant and then we come in here and you want to fuck so we do. I know I mean something to you or else you wouldn't come around."

Emma was growing impatient, "You didn't tell me why."

"Do I need a reason, it's because I'm falling for you Emma, for real." He began to open his mouth to say more but Emma spoke.

She cut him off quickly and dismissed him, "I told you not to do that."

"Rules are meant to be broken. I can't help the way I feel and besides, I think you feel it too."

"You wouldn't get it and besides there's something you should know." Emma sighed, "this is the final night. I'll stay the night but we gotta stop doing this." She told him sad avoiding his eyes until that moment when she said to him, "I don't want to hurt you."

"Just tell me?" He whispered attempting to hold her and be affectionate with her but she kept pulling back.

Earlier that night, Emma said that she knew Sean was gone and she didn't need to be reminded but she knew for a fact that was a lie. She knew exactly what was going on with him. She didn't deserve to be with him or Jay at this rate and she knew it.

Finally, she couldn't keep it to herself. She walked toward the door, "I can't do this. Remember the rules?"

"Of course and they don't matter. No one can know, I had to get tested, and I can't go falling in love with you. Damnit, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know who you want but look around Emma, look at me? I'm here. If he gave a fuck he would be there for you but I was there for you when everything in your life went to shit. That's got to count for something, right?"

Emma was hurt by that remark.

Her eyes began to well up into tears, truthfully she didn't realize just how much she liked him and how she'd managed to make a mess of things that were complicated anyhow. She knew there was no guarantee she'd even run into Sean again even if he was back in town, but she wanted to be right in the mind for when he did and Jay took her away from that side of herself. She was torn and conflicted. She murmured, "Summers over, this is over."

"It doesn't have to be though."

She blurted out, "Sean's back in town, I thought you should know. I saw him at Peter's party."

"You didn't even tell me?"

"Didn't come up." With that, she turned around to leave and pushed the door before he could say anything back and she didn't want to see his reaction. She would've walked away completely but something or rather someone stopped her dead in her tracks as she pulled the van door open, Sean. Her bright brown eyes widened as Jay was just about to follow her out to have more words with her and try to convince her to stay again, but he too saw what stopped Emma. Sean Cameron was there at the ravine standing in front of Emma and he heard every word between Emma and Jay from outside the van.

He wasn't happy it was written all over his expressive face. No one was happy and everything was falling apart and suddenly unraveling. Nothing was clear but one thing was for sure it was Emma's fear coming true. Even worse, the secret was out, beans spilled and it wasn't even a good secret.

They were fucked. Jay and Emma were no longer a secret. Were they over, not by a long shot.


	15. Chapter Fifteen: And then there were Three

Chapter 15  
And then there were Threee

"Screw you guys, I'm going home, so you're with Jay now?" Sean asked, "or did he somehow talk you into this. Oh, right it doesn't matter because I heard it all."

Emma didn't say anything, she just kind of looked away and down. "Hi. What are you even doing here?" Emma told Sean somewhat awkwardly, "It's complicated."

"Look, man, I didn't think you were coming back." Jay tried to smooth things over but it didn't go over well enough, it wasn't an excuse. "I didn't even think to be honest." Emma shot him a look of confusion before they both looked back at Sean.

Without missing a beat Sean spat, "Shut up, 'don't look man' me." He pushed Jay back as he got closer to him and raised his voice to Jay, "you think it's okay to make Emma one of your side chicks? Isn't that what you do? Hook up with them and throw them away when they get attached?"

"It's not like that Sean and you know what? It's none of your goddamn business."

"No, it is my business because she's the reason! She's the reason I'm back."

"I got to go, I can't do this right now." Emma broke the tension with her words, couldn't believe how Sean was talking, finally acknowledged them both.

"So you're just gonna walk away?"

Emma wasn't facing them attempting to leave Sean and Jay to scrap it out but she was too angry to let that remark go, she whipped herself around and asked, "As you did? Just walk away, do something wonderful, great, sweet, romantic even and just walk."

"Excuse me?"

"I needed a friend, I was dealing alone. Where the hell were you?" Emma asked him, "No one gets what I went through, what we went through in that hallway that day. Toby likes to pretend it never happened; we haven't talked in months. You just checked out and reached out once or twice over the summer. I know that's no excuse and all but you weren't here! I tried to do what Toby did you know, but it affected me. It wasn't my fault. You weren't here to talk to but Jay was." Emma was quiet for a moment; she looked away and acknowledged Jay for a few moments, "he was sort of my rock, my friend maybe something more than that."

"I'm disappointed in you, you're not that kind of girl."

"What do you even know? Before Rick, we hadn't spoken in a year, a whole year! Lots of things can happen in a year. You missed a lot and you were around back then. You left me remember? You moved on and I might've pretended to, with Chris but it doesn't matter it's all ancient history. Now you hate me, it's one more person to cross off the list." She saw Sean, really saw him clam up and shut up for a few seconds. He was so angry and she hadn't seen that side of him before, not directed at her. It wasn't how she pictured seeing Sean after everything was said and done. She planned to keep her ravine life a secret and she failed at that.

She wanted to talk privately with Sean, without Jay but he was standing there, this was a thing of nightmares. "I guess you're wrong about me, I'm not who I used to be and I can't talk about this right now. I'm not in the right headspace. Why are you here right now?"

"I've known you for a long time Emma. We have, I don't know, history. I know a lot, Emma. I meant what I said! I am truly sorry about what went down but I was looking for Jay and I found you too." Sean scoffed, "it makes me sick how you could hook up with him."

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean, dude?" Jay hollered insulted by that remark, "fuck it. It has nothing to do with you."

Emma left and she turned around, "I got to go, it's really late."

"Emma, what if I didn't come tonight? Would you have kept this from me? I don't hate you. I just feel like I need an explanation."

"I said it's getting late." Emma reiterated avoiding the question not wanting to answer it not in front of Jay and certainly not out loud finally she told them both, "I'm tired it's late, don't call me, don't message me and don't ask me that. I think you know the answer. If I know you as I've always I know you're not gonna like it."

"We need to talk," Sean begged Emma as she stepped up the hill as Jay stayed behind. It was just the three in the woods and Emma was trying to leave.

"Privately, yes but not now. I will call you eventually."

"No we got to talk now," Sean followed Emma, not accepting no for the answer, "Please, just tell me why. I can handle it."

"We've been through that part, and besides what about Ellie?"

"This isn't about her, we're through. Just tell me, do you like him or are you just doing it because you're lonely and needed a friend?" Sean reached out and held her arm gently in an effort to stop her.

"Don't." Emma stepped backward tripping on some brush and fell down. Sean knelt down to help her up but they stayed down for a spell in the grass, "I'm not mad at you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for you finding this out this way."

Emma dusted and brushed herself off and avoided his eyes, his sad, hurt and disappointed eyes, she hated seeing them. Deep down she was disappointed in herself for letting things get as far as they did with Jay. Emma still had feelings for Sean and she didn't want him to see her in that light so she lied. "I don't know," Emma started to say as she got up off the ground, "to answer your question. It's not ideal of course but I didn't plan it." Emma stuttered quietly to Sean, "It was Jay's idea and I guess he knew I was a mess so it made it easier."

"Emma…"

"He treated me like I was a person though. Not someone bitter and broken, not someone who was needing fixing like everybody else thinking they got to nurture and baby me. He took me at face value and certainly not like you do."

"How do I treat you, or how do you think I treat you?"

"Like a ballerina in a music box."

"What do you mean?"

"High up on some pedestal. Someone I'm not. Better than I actually am. Innocent and someone I had never been but I try to be that standard that's impossible to reach."

"I don't think so."

"Some of the stuff you said tonight is proof."

"I guess I don't know, I was only upset because I secretly or not so secretly have never gotten over you. Since I left I couldn't get you off of my mind. I couldn't stay away." Sean paused for a moment, "You don't have to say anything. You don't have to make a choice."

Emma chose to say nothing just changed the subject after a few moments of silence, "Are you here to stay?"

Sean smirked proudly and nodded, "I just put the down payment on the apartment."

"That's great," Emma told him softly, she dusted herself off again and realized she might've twisted her ankle when she had her great fall. She wasn't wearing proper footwear for that one hill that led to the parties but this was the first time she was clumsy or tipsy enough to fall.

Sean told her, "I'm having a housewarming this weekend, that's why I'm really here. I was going to invite Jay but. . . now I don't know." She acknowledged that thought to herself and the definite possibility that Sean probably didn't want her there either but then he said, "I'll let you know the details. Maybe we can talk soon."

"I'd like that, that would be nice."

"Could I walk you home?" Sean blurted, noticing her limping up on one foot, "I'll be quiet once we get to your place. I know you like to sneak out that window of yours. I didn't forget. It wasn't so long ago you'd sneak in after curfew to my place."

She was amused at that, as they embarked uphill which was the most difficult part, "That was a fun summer."

"Oh yeah, I know why."

"Why?"

"Things weren't complicated."

She nodded, "Before Jack, before Snake's cancer and it was an entirely different time."

"We were together." Sean told her, Emma acknowledged but looked away he lightened and finished his thought with, "The Dot wasn't even finished being built yet."

Emma added, "And we were the first customers." They both laughed and reminisced as they walked to Emma's. She leaned her arm on his shoulder as they made their way up the road, "Thanks," she whispered, "well this is me."

She heard a vibration, it was Jay.

My god tonight was weird.

We need 2 tlk. Can we meet tomorrow? Text me when u get home. I just make sure you got home safe.

Emma was at a crossroads, was she going to continue her affairs with Jay or leave Jay in the dust and in the past? She couldn't decide but Sean was the most honest he'd been in quite some time. She felt guilty she didn't deserve him and she knew it no matter what anyone, even Manny would say. She put her phone away and said bye to Sean. She climbed through the window and as she slid down the wall as always but this time she hit the washing machine with a thud and Manny woke with a start, Emma whispered, "Fuck."

She yawned and stretched and saw Emma standing there whispering, "This isn't what it looks like, go back to sleep."

"You've been gone for a while. I went to get a drink an hour ago. Where have you been? I've been worried."

"I was at the ravine. Don't be mad."

"Seeing that guy again? What's his name? Oh right because you won't tell me, coo coo bananas. I hope you guys are safe." She looked down at her feet on the white washing machine and dryer, Emma gingerly stepped down, not putting weight on her twisted ankle, "I see you hurt yourself. Are you alright?"

"I'm okay for the most part," She sighed, sitting down on her bed as quickly as she could. She began removing her shoes. Manny got up and grabbed an icepack from the basement freezer in addition to a paper towel and gave it to Emma.

"Put this on so it doesn't swell."

Emma obliged and looked at Manny crestfallen, "It doesn't matter because it's probably over before things really started taking off."

"Really girl? Do tell but before you do, guess who I ran into the other day?"

Emma shrugged and Manny exclaimed, "Sean Cameron, rumor has it he's back in town." Emma pretended to be surprised and Manny realized this wasn't exactly news to Emma and her smile faded, "but you knew that already."

"It was at the party at Peter's."

"Was your ravine boy toy there?"

She shook her head no, "I was a wallflower waiting on you."

"Oh, so tell me about what happened with the guy?"

"I broke it off."

"Why?"

"Sneaking around isn't fun for me anymore." Emma told her, "not when it's clear he's caught feelings and it was a stipulation in our arrangement and somebody else knows that I didn't want to know and now it's a big old mess and I'm embarrassed about the entire thing."

"It looks like he's alone in it, because you look like you have too. Who cares what they think? Who cares what they say? If you like him what does it matter?"

"It's complicated." Emma dismissed it, "I can't like him."

"You do though."

"I do not."

"I know that face." Manny told her, "that face when you like someone, the glow it's written all over your face. Why do you want to run away from it?"

"He's not the right one even though I do like him. It might even be more than just like him. I didn't just kiss him. I didn't just hook up, I did it all with him. It messed with my mind and possibly his too. I don't want to feel this way, I wish I didn't."

"You spent the summer with him. You gave him your v-card, I get it."

"It was just a summer fling."

"Now that things are complicated you just wanna run away because you don't want to get vulnerable because you're afraid to get hurt?"

"Precisely. Last time I got vulnerable it was a mess."

"Your heart got broken."

"Exactly."

"Maybe it won't be like that this time, maybe this time it will be different."

"Maybe." Emma yawned and laid backward on her pillows. "It didn't start out so serious and I never wanted it to get this weird."

"This conversation isn't over but we'll talk in the morning and next time tell me where you're sneaking off so I can cover for you."

"Yeah Manny I will," Emma muttered, throwing her blankets on top of her and putting the icepack on her nightstand. Manny put it back in the fridge as Emma fell asleep. She wanted to snoop so bad, she wanted to know all about Emma's mystery man. As Emma was deep in slumber Manny quietly snuck in Emma's bedside table and found her diary. Against her better judgment, she turned the pages and held a flashlight to it from her air mattress. It was in a black pen when she read about her summer adventures. How she's been hooking up with Jay Hogart of all people. How she still cares about Sean and wonders about him. How she started the summer and had a big crush on Peter and how she quickly decided Peter wasn't for her. How she missed Manny. Manny felt sort of responsible and guilty that Emma felt like she had to take all this stuff and stuff it by keeping it all to herself and a secret. She was surprised given what she knew about the spring. She just couldn't get over Emma falling for Jay Hogart and according to Emma, he was falling for her too.

Before dawn, she put the journal back where it belonged and fell back asleep. Emma couldn't lie to her anymore, not when everything was laid out on the table.


	16. Chapter Sixteen: Secret is Out

Chapter 16

Secret is Out

Initially, Emma didn't want to text Jay back, he had texted a few times out of concern his last few texts really tempted her. Deep down and even on the surface, she wanted to answer. Manny heard the vibrations on Emma's desk and asked her looking up from her magazine annoyed, "You might want to pick that up."

Manny didn't confront Emma and only was going to bring up her findings if Emma brought it up first. She had a feeling, and she knew something went down the night before but she didn't want to talk about it. She didn't press Emma for details, it's her intuition.

"It's just the guy from the ravine. He wants to talk." Emma told her in a sort of way like she's stalling, "I don't really know what to say. You know I hate confrontation."

They hadn't talked since the Sean incident that Manny knows nothing about. Manny masqueraded and beat around the bush, "I think you want to so just talk to him I don't care. Might I suggest that you avoid or don't under any circumstances hook up with him it'll muddle things? Just saying."

"I'm honestly not sure what to say to him, I always cushion bad news with him with a little something-something."

Manny shrugged hating how Emma still continues to lie by withholding information, "I know who he is."

Emma sarcastically rolled her eyes as she got off the bed, "You know him alright, but I ain't gonna tell you who and I know you don't like him." Manny just about had it with Emma and secrets, "I know it's stupid but I can't really help it."

"No I mean I know exactly who you've been with." Emma almost tempted her to say his name, "Do you mean Jay? Of course not because he's trashy because he's hooked up pretty much with every girl in school. Why are you with him? Don't even get me started on how he took advantage of you this past spring and probably now, how could you get suckered into it? He's a terrible guy."

"You're wrong Manny, seriously? We are not having this conversation." Emma muttered to herself putting two shirts to her body in the mirror. Finally making a decision, she took off the existing shirt for something a bit more revealing. She primped in the mirror barely paying attention to Manny's warning and chastizing.

"Emma listen to me he's a serial cheater, who's to say you guys get involved and he cheats on you?"

Emma looked back at Manny, "That's an ain't never. We're no strings casual, safe sex all the way there's no trace. He just is texting me that we're meeting it's under control."

"Does he know that you're playing him?"

"Well yeah, Manny. It's complicated. I can terminate the arrangement with him at any time. I'm fine."

"He turns you into a pile of mush I know how guys like him operate. It's too late to push him out because you want to drag this out because you already have feelings for him!"

"Manny, stop I need to concentrate and compose my thoughts."

"Be careful girl, I mean it. Do you even hear yourself right now?"

"Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about. This is why I didn't tell you first thing."

"What's this? What do you mean?"

"Manny, I hate to break it to you but you're judgemental."

"I'm just concerned."

"You're just jealous of me."

Manny rolled her eyes and laughed at Emma, "Em that's not fair and so far from the truth. Keep telling yourself that because yeah, I'm jealous of some dirty gang banger that's doing god knows what to my lovely friend."

"Stop being a goddamn bitch."

"You first."

"Ouch. You're acting like a whore."

Emma screamed angrily exclaiming, "I hate you!"

"I hate you right back."

Emma grabbed her phone and decided to go to Jay's, "Fuck this, I'm out don't wait up. I'm sorry I even let you live here you freeloading freeloader!"

"Real nice, real mature Emma," Manny called out finally Emma shut the basement door with a frustrated slam and walked to Jay's house. She knocked on his door and he answered, he can tell just by looking at her she was angry about something. On her way, she didn't run into anyone which was a good thing.

"Is there a reason you're here?" Jay asked, "you been avoiding me?"

She dodged his questions as she innocently asked, "Can I come in?"

Jay stepped slowly backward letting her in she told him not to say a single word but watching her explain herself, "Manny and I had a fight. Can we talk?"

"Of course." Jay told her as he sat down, Emma sat down on the couch beside him as he lamented, "Sean doesn't want to be friends. He's saying that I'm a shit friend and he's probably right."

"You've always been a good friend to me," Emma tried to make him feel better, "you tried to at least. I just need to tell you something."

"What are friends for?" He bellowed sarcastically, "shoot."

"Don't sulk, I'm serious right now or trying to be. I just don't know what to say to you right now because I broke the rules we set and agreed to as well."

"How so?" Jay avoided her eyes somewhat sad. Emma could tell he had a lot on his mind.

Emma leaned in close and stroked his cheek gingerly, "I've been lying and trying to compose myself because as much as I would not want to admit it but I have feelings for you." She offered him a shy sincere smile and continued with a nervous chuckle, "It's probably the first honest thing I've said in a while. You don't have to say anything. I've just been trying to protect myself from you, for what though? You can't always help how you feel though and you're not alone. I couldn't tell Manny the truth, we had a fight we said some pretty shitty stuff to each other too. I'm changing and I don't know who I am anymore but the only solid ground and the familiar ground I stand on is you."

Jay was brave and asked, "What about the other night? When you went off with Sean?"

"Nothing happened he just walked me home. We talked. I got a lot of things off my chest about things."

"Do you think I'm stupid?"

Emma shook her head and wrinkled her brow with confusion, "I don't think you're stupid."

"Sean told me about how I'm the bad guy and I should be ashamed of myself."

"What?" Emma asked, "what do you mean?"

"He said you told him it was my idea as if you were innocently not down for the ride."

"No," Emma told him, "I just didn't want him to be mad."

"Now since Sean is around and possibly into you or you think you got a shot with him because you probably you don't know what to do. Do you go back to me and then back to him? You only wanted me because he wasn't around. I'm not going to get on and off a merry-go-round with you. Either you want me or you don't, I don't do well with being played. Well played, why don't you take a bow and get the hell out of my life and stop leading me on. It was better when we didn't feel anything."

"But none of that is true!" Emma retorted, "I want you, just you." She whispered, "Just you"

"Prove it." He told her, and she shrugged on how she could convince him, "how am I supposed to believe what you're saying? You're always being such a tease, you're hot and cold. You get real serious and then it turns out you're playing. I can't believe you and I don't want to play."

Emma's eyes started to water, finally, she looked him in the eyes and bit her lip in a nervous sort of way before speaking with a broken sounded voice, "How could I prove it? You're just going to have to believe me."

"Just stop playing the game, get serious and stay the night with me, here no buts."

"I am serious and I'll stay as long as it's just you and I."

"No rules, no expectations okay?" Jay told her, "no shit it'd be just you and I. Do you want something to drink? I got some whiskey so you can't go home."

She smirked and relented, "I told you I was staying, didn't I? Maybe I can help you study?"

"No studying," Jay got up and poured them both two drinks. He mixed in some Coca-Cola from the fridge as Emma followed him to the kitchen. "The only game we're playing is two truths and lie." He set the drink in front of her on a coaster. "You need to say yes to things a whole helluva lot more."

Emma lifted her drink and took a sip, it was a strong one but she didn't want to wimp out. "Who goes first?"

"You do. I want to get to know you better."

Emma thought for a moment for something and then she started, "My mom had me at 14, I met a guy online when I was 12 years old and um I like dolphins. Spot the lie."

Jay told her, "Obviously on the dolphins being your definite truth. I don't think you met a guy online when you were 12 though."

.

She coughed, "I did."

"Was he into the stuff you were into?"

"He wasn't who I thought to answer your question. It was a huge ordeal. I met him when my mom was out at a hotel he was supposedly staying at I took a cab."

"So you have a history of sneaking out?"

She was humored about it, "anyway so it took me a while for things to click. I'm in the lobby and this man about '30s got pizzas. He asked me my name and I didn't even think about it. He said well it doesn't matter what he said but we went upstairs together to meet up with my quote end quote an online friend and then things got really weird."

"Did he hurt you?"

"Tried to I guess but somehow my future step-dad and my mom arrived with the police it was this whole big ordeal and my computer got sent to the FBI pretty much. He went to jail and he's got a no-contact order against him so there's that."

"Damn." Jay told her with surprise, "pretty badass."

"I was grounded for a month at the very least and it was not one of my finest. Okay, your turn."

"I really like that top you're wearing," Emma looked down and beamed but sure that was the lie because he said it first, "I think you're beautiful and I know who stole your stepdads laptop a few years ago."

She pursed her lips together, "Well played, of course, because it was you."

"I didn't say I stole it. No, Sean did it."

"I was right all along? Son of a bitch." Emma gasped with her mouth open, "wow."

Jay laughed, "He told me never to tell anyone, especially you when we were going to the pawnshop. Since he and I aren't cool I figured I'd let you in on that."

"I thought I was crazy. I went out on a limb on that theory!"

"We also stole the DVD player in the resource room, you confronted us with that shit too."

Emma shook her head, "You're lying about the shirt."

"Nah I fucked up because I'm fucked up and I forgot to lie."

Emma smiled and laughed, "Okay, so is it my turn again?" He nodded in response and she thought, "My first impression of you sucked, I had never been truly drunk until I've been drunk with you and I like you a lot."

Jay smiled and she smiled back, "Well played."

Emma downed the rest of her drink and Jay poured her another glass, they talked for a while longer. They smoked a joint that Jay rolled and watched a little of a movie before Jay forgot about the movie and started paying attention to Emma and she took her eyes away from the film and put them on Jay. What did their interaction mean? He knew she was there for the night. She was in his presence and he wanted her around. They didn't argue over things being complicated. In fact, nothing was so complicated anymore. Jay slowly inched closer to her and pressed her against the couch and into a kiss she didn't pull away from him. He whispered quietly, "Do you want to go in my room?"

She whispered, "Yes," and without hesitation, he took her by the hand and they retreated to the bedroom.

Things only heated up from there and they were far from tired. Everything felt right. They never felt more connected or close to one another. Jay wasn't forceful but he was gentle with her as they succumbed to their desires. He held her close to him as they sat face to face attempting to catch their breath from a, particularly heated session. Sweat was dripping off their bodies which were some sort of commonplace since they were almost always in the hazy old van, "So, um how are you?"

"Good," she beamed with this angelic glow about her to him.

"Good to know," he told her, "just good?"

"Better than good."

"What would better than good be?"

She giggled and shrugged her shoulders, "I don't want to go home good."

"You're staying here remember?"

"I know, I mean tomorrow morning."

"After my world-famous veggie omelet maybe not world-famous but you get the idea."

"Breakfast in bed?"

"It could be arranged," Jay chuckled, "I like you, Emma, a lot. It feels so freeing to be able to say that."

"It has a nice ring to it don't you think?"

"Kind of like the word girlfriend with you, has a nice ring to it don't you think?" Emma's face turned all sorts of shades of pink to red to blush and buried her face in her pillow, "I take that as a yes."

A smile played on her lips, "It's more of a possibly maybe."

"C'mon I know you wanna say yes, and bonus points because you'd be making my dreams come true."

"Yes."

"I sense a slight but coming."

"No buts." She laughed, "I want to be with you."

"I want to be with you too."

"Of course you do, I knew that much so then it's settled. So it is." She responded, she inched closer and pulled him back closer to her, "it's really hot in here or is it just me?"

"Not just you." He smirked as they held each other close as they both sort of sobered up from the evening, he couldn't see her face because it was sort of smushed in his shirtless chest with her arms around him tight. It was still daylight but the sun was going down and day bled into night, he softly nudged her, "so what are you thinking about?"

"Everything is going to be different now."

"How so?"

"I don't know just saying. I'm just thinking about it now and I realize it'll be different."

"Good observation but you're right but I like to think of it as a good different. Perhaps things won't change as much as you think."

She looked up at him, "I forgot to even tell you more about the fight I had with Manny god it was bad."

"What was it about?"

"My extracurricular activities, how I spent summer, being judgy about a lot of shit. I've been so mum I don't know how she figured out you were who I've been spending my time with but she really tore into it."

"Is that why you came to me?"

She lifted her head, "What?"

"I know you heard me, I just mean, is that why you come over because you wanted to spend time with me?"

She nodded, "I needed you to see you. I wanted you and you always somehow make me feel better when they don't feel better. You make me laugh, you make me smile. You make me feel like me again."

"Now you have me, and now I have you and now that I have you I'm not letting go."

"Neither am I," she tightened her grip of her arms laying her head on his chest close enough to hear his heart beating against her. It felt good to be on the same page, in the same bed together. He grazed the top of her head with his chin and then kissed the top of her head. She lifted her head after and then she inched upward and kissed his lips.

They talked back and forth for hours not leaving the bed. Alternating between holding one another and cuddling to full-on making out except there were feelings now attached and it was more organic and real. There were no guards sky high just them. There were moments of talking but also moments of comfortable silence. It was quite possibly the greatest night they ever shared together because finally after everything they were on the same page. There was a vulnerability to that on both ends. Jay wanted to end the fling and begin something more serious with her and Emma was willing to be serious and let her guard down with Jay. She didn't think about Sean, she didn't care what Manny thought she just wanted to live in that moment.

Elsewhere, Manny was at Emma's house in the basement she was upset and concerned. She instantly regretted some of the things she said to Emma. Emma had her phone on silent in her purse she left on the couch at Jay's, she didn't bother checking it but Manny was feeling some residual guilt from their fight earlier and tried to contact her. She was still planning despite everything to cover for her if her parents asked. She needed to corroborate the plans with Emma who was MIA. She knew she was with Jay so she decided to make her way to the ravine to search for Emma.

Emma and Jay decided to order a pizza because they were hungry. Jay called his favorite place Antonios and he ordered the double cheese which was the safest option for Emma's sake because she didn't like pepperoni. As they cut open the pizza and Emma drank her soda mixed with whiskey she asked, "Have you considered coming back to school at Degrassi?"

"Emma I can't, so I got to go to plan B or C. When you get expelled you don't simply just get unexpelled."

"I just figured if you talked to the principal she might be lenient."

"I can't just waltz in and get back into Hot Sauce's good graces. Spinner's a retard for thinking he could sitting in summer school. It ain't my scene and never really was."

"What about homecoming and prom? Semi formals? Graduation? I just would hate to see you miss out on stuff."

"Em was I ever at a stupid school dance? I wasn't in the student council and there were days I never even bothered to show up. Degrassi will be fine without me, probably even better than fine."

"I just thought that you'd want to consider the possibility."

"My grades are shit anyway what kind of principal would let me back in? I'd like to go back I guess but I know it's not a possibility for me. I got to move on from that place."

"Well, I said I could help you study so you could get your equivalency."

"I'm glad you said that because that would be awesome."

"What comes easiest to you English or Math?"

"Math when I showed up."

"Ugh, I'm abysmal with math so I'm glad you don't need that much help with it. My best subject is English. I can help you with that, Media Immersion, Social Studies and everything else pretty much."

"Spoken like a true honor student. We can study this week but tonight the only thing I want to study and know like the back of my hand is you."

"I'm an open book." Emma accepted a piece of pizza from Jay and took a bite, "Antonios has the best pizza."

Emma loved their double cheese even if it reminded her of that one summer she spent with Sean. Tracker was on the job hunt and going to interviews and eventually, he got a job and was working so he was rarely home and it was just them most days. Sean and Emma polished off every DVD they owned in their meager collection and ate so much pizza and Emma spent most of her time avoiding the fanfare at home before Jack's birth. Life was simple. It was the summer she moved in the basement and Snake was dividing his time slowly working on her room and painting the house and nursery prepping for Jack's arrival. Sean didn't come up but he wasn't absent from her thoughts. Helping Jay's study was another reminder as she used to help Sean study the year they got together so he wouldn't fall behind. Jay was much more confident in his abilities and honest and fair about his shortcomings than Sean was. Sean would let them nearly paralyze him and almost eat him alive where Jay took it in stride.

"I agree," Jay said, "if you weren't here I'd eat the entire box."

"You spend a lot of time alone?"

"Of course, bullying someone to death and being expelled makes you kind of how do I put this bluntly hated?"

Emma understood it all too well, "I don't hate you."

"Not even when I told you it's my fault Rick became a homicidal maniac? What was your first impression of me anyway?"

Emma scoffed, "Before this summer? You don't want to know."

"I probably don't. When we first met two years ago. I can't believe how things are now, you like me and don't think I'm a piece of shit."

"I thought you were mean," Emma told him with a shrug, adding, "I thought you were a loser."

"You're not wrong about the first one but, ouch."

"I didn't know you to be fair, and at that time I didn't want to know you. Honestly, though first impressions don't always stick."

"Aint that the truth."

"What did you think about me?"

"A prude, now I know that isn't true. I thought you were this judgemental girl who disliked me when I first met you. I didn't think you had a sense of humor, I didn't think you'd be down to hang, I didn't think you thought I was cool. To be fair I didn't care but now I do. I'm not proud of who I was back then because of the way I acted I have a lot of enemies."

"So how come you and Spinner fell out?"

"I told him to go fuck himself for ratting me out but then we were friends for a while but I probably fucked it all up for not being supportive of him trying to go back to school. If I were a good friend I'd of egged him on but his reasons are stupid."

"Why does he want to come back? No one even likes him at school. I've heard the rumors."

"He thinks he'll get his friends back if he does. They think he's the scum of the earth, they'll never forgive him for what he did to Jimmy. I know it and I think deep down he knows it too but he wants to try." Jay went on, "Alex is cool with his crowd now go figure, that DelRossi kid, Michalchuk and the cripple. I didn't think it'd go that far."

"What even happened?"

"I didn't think the psycho would take a gun to school and blow Jimmy away. Boy did I not see that coming."

"Neither did I," Emma told him, she started getting full she just sipped her drink.

"Sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry about?" Emma asked him softly.

"I know talk of this shit upsets you, I just don't have anyone to talk to about it and it's my own damn fault."

"It's not too late to talk to Alex and get your closure on how you feel about the end of everything."

"She fucking hates me and I deserve it. She's better off even though I know she isn't really."

"Better off how?"

"Plus I don't want to be with her anymore. At first, I wanted to because I was feeling lonely but she has her own shit and she needs to hate me because it makes it easier. I cheated on her for no reason but I don't even think our relationship was entirely healthy better off split up."

"How long have you known her?"

"Since we were six or seven. Then we switched to a relationship for no apparent reason and we dated like three and a half years."

"That's about how long I've known Manny. We were elementary school friends. We were about six years old. I don't think an apology wouldn't help. Do you know how many times we fell out?"

"I'm pretty sure a sorry I fucked your best friend, gave you both a disease and forced her not to tell her until I spilled the beans when the shit hit the fan? She ain't gonna forgive me. I tried."

"When you say it like that well it doesn't sound likely."

"See what I mean?"

"I forgive you even if it's not the same thing."

"We weren't together then."

"Yeah, we weren't."

"My track record sucks, but I hope you'll be able to trust me."

"I told you a lot about some of my secrets. I think we crossed that bridge already."

"I just wish that I didn't do such shitty things to people so that you can trust me and depend on me for anything. You know you can come to me with anything and I'll do my best to help." Jay told her, "it doesn't even sound like me but I'm sort of turning this new leaf and I like it honestly. I don't want to hurt you, I never want to. I want to have the type of relationship I didn't with Alex." Jay thought for a moment and then he said, "Wait right here."

Jay went to his room in his drawer and he got it. It was in the box with a few pieces of jewelry left behind by his mom. Inside was in a smaller one where he kept the momento. He took it out it was a silver charm bracelet with a little hanging diamond surrounded pearl. He walked back in the kitchen and Emma asked him, "What's going on?"

"I almost forgot I got you something."

"What is it?"

"Hold out your hand and close your eyes."

Skeptically, Emma did what she was told she closed her eyes and he placed it in her open hands, "Open your eyes."

"Oh goodness." She beamed gliding it across her fingers and feeling the silver. It was real, "it's beautiful."

"It was my mom's." Jay told her pretty seriously, "she told me when she was really sick before she died that I should give it to someone special when the time is right. I figured now would be that time."

Emma admired the beautiful silver bracelet. It was expensive and elegant but dainty all at the same time. It was her taste even though they spent so little time together he knew she'd love it and above all, it was from Jay she couldn't help but smile, "Thank-you. It's so beautiful."

"Kind of like you. When we're not around each other wear it and um think of me."

"How could I not think of you when I see this? It's the nicest thing anyone's ever given me, a huge improvement from that hideous green bracelet you gave me that first time at Bennet Park."

"I'm glad you like it," He snickered at her remark about the cheap green bracelets he'd give out to hookups at the ravine, "do you want me to put it on you?"

She nodded, lifting her arm after wiping off the pizza grease with her napkin on her hand, "Why did you give this to me?"

"I really want this to work out and I wanted to signify us together with something real. Do you like it?"

"Like it? I love it."

"I'm glad, think of it as a study present for helping me out too. Kill two birds." She beamed not being able to take her eyes off her wrist. He tightened the clasp, "What's cool about it is it's supposed to be good luck. It was her good luck charm. She was wearing it when she met my dad. It was given to her by her grandmother. It's kind of a family heirloom it's older than it looks. I don't have a family to speak of anymore so, it's for you."

"What was her name?"

"Connie."

"What was she like?"

"I don't remember much anymore." He told her, "she died when I was little. I was like eight and then it was just me and dad but he worked all the time. I was with nannies and I'd usually scare them off because I missed mom. I just remember she used to sing to me and make me my favorite foods. She raised me. She wouldn't probably agree with some of my choices but I know she loved me." Jay muttered bitterly, "and then my dad got remarried and I didn't like her and neither did she. She wanted to ship me off to some boarding school, but I refused and acted out and rebelled. He didn't want me to be around because I'm an embarrassment. So he bought me the apartment and here I am. I'm no longer a son of his. When I got expelled he cut me off kind of but he'll pay for my apartment go figure."

"How do you make money?"

"I wanted to have this talk another day but since you asked I sell drugs. I want to go straight and do cars. I miss going to the shop class. It's why I'm in a hurry to get my equivalency."

"Well then Jay tomorrow I can look through my school stuff and we can study tomorrow. We can meet at the library."

"Sounds good," Jay told her. "I hope you're not in a hurry to go home tomorrow because I was serious about breakfast."

"Not in a hurry, can't wait." Emma knew there was a chance she could be grounded for a few days but that wouldn't stop her from talking to Jay and possibly sneaking out to see him. While Jay poured the next round, she finally checked her phone and looked through Manny's texts, texted to her she's not at the ravine but she's fine and that they'd talk tomorrow and then she helped Jay with the dishes from their dinner.


	17. Back to School

Chapter 17

Back to School

It was finally a few days later and it was the end of the summer. It's the first day back at Degrassi for junior year.

Emma was dressed up and looking her best in a floral print black dress and strappy sandals and was looking forward to being back; in a relationship and excited in general for the new year. She was hoping to patch things up with Manny who still was mad. By all accounts, this summer was the best yet but it's nice to get back to the student council meetings, the dances, and the fun things. Granted she was supposed to start off the year much differently than she imagined but she couldn't be happier with how her life is going.

Along the way she saw Spinner being hassled by some guys and his former friends ignored him on the street, it's funny how things change in a year. Manny and Emma weren't speaking and haven't been since their fight the previous week. Sure they still live together and Manny has been obsessing over her script for her big meeting with Berniece morning noon and night. She had kept up her end of the bargain by not tipping Spike and Snake off of anything but she was not happy with Emma and her choices. They hardly say so much of a word to each other. Emma couldn't believe Manny called her a whore, Manny couldn't believe Emma accused her of being jealous of her. While Manny's keeping a low profile, Emma's been sneaking out to see Jay at his loft by night and spending her time at the library tutoring him by day.

When they arrived at school Manny stopped dead in her tracks and nearly turned around but then Emma saw what Manny saw and gasped, "I-is that you?"

Emma ran up to the bus station and it had a naked picture of Manny that said call Manny for a good time with her phone number below. By the looks of it, she was incoherent in the image but Manny's rep was about to tank. By the time they had arrived, there were other cruel words on it written by immature kids. She had a mustache and some pom poms on it. Ms. Hatzilacos took one look at Manny who was flabbergasted and being looked at by everyone and exclaimed, "Manny, to my office now!"

All Emma could do is stand idly by. Manny slowly walked as she heard whispers and felt eyes in her back. Emma was determined that she was to get to the bottom of this. It had to be someone rich who had the means to buy printing or advertising large enough for the bus shelter in front of the school. Who would do this? she wondered to herself.

Emma arrived at her homeroom and noticed the backgrounds of the computers were Manny's body, the same image from before. Mr. Simpson instructed everyone to turn off their screens and was closing his eyes pretending he didn't see absolutely mortified. There was a lot of laughter and a lot of rumors and it was only eight-thirty, she happened to hear some words that jogged her memory, "I heard she got wasted at that party."

Another girl said, "She was all going on about her wanting to be an actress that ain't happening now."

Emma wanted to blurt out to everyone to shut up. Even if they weren't on speaking terms she didn't hate the girl. She felt horrible as she looked at the empty seat beside her and noticed Manny was in the office still. She looked in the halls and just knew the words and thoughts on everyone's lips. She was silent and the more people laughed the more people talked the more she wanted to scream shut up. She knew the hallways were unforgiving, hell the classroom she was in was unforgiving. Snake stood up once the computers were off and shut out the lights on and off flickering and everyone quieted down, "We've got a lot of ground to cover and I need you all to be quiet. I've got roll call, I've got seating and locker assignments. So simmer down!"

Emma admired Snake for taking action so that she didn't have to. Finally, Manny came in and softly told Snake, "I'm sorry I'm late Mr. Simpson."

Snake chose not to say anything about the computer screens to spare her, "We'll talk after class. Take a seat next to Emma."

All eyes were on Manny who glared at Emma, who could tell she'd been crying. Emma opened her purse and handed her some pocket tissues covertly quietly as Mr. Simpson kept talking at the front of the classroom Manny whispered, "Thanks."

Even though Emma didn't know what happened, if their friendship was salvageable or how those photos came to exist Manny was still her best friend and she was going to be there for her no matter what except after lunch when she got a text from Jay and he told her to meet him so she was planning on cutting out most of the day.

This year, unlike most Emma and Manny, she had the same classes and lunch for the most part but this year was different so she didn't have Manny at lunch but she had Liberty. Liberty beamed at Emma and gave her a hug, "How was your summer? It'll be nice having lunch this year. It's a shame Manny doesn't have this period."

"It was great I went to Banting for a summer science meet and of course spending time with JT."

JT was there too beside her adding very excitedly, "And I'm teaching Liberty how to drive."

Emma beamed, "How's it going?"

"I ate a curb last lesson. He can't win them all." Liberty told Emma a little bit embarrassed, "it's challenging."

JT went up to get his lunch and Liberty asked quietly, "So who is the guy? You've been pretty mums the word when it comes to your love life." Gesturing to her neck Emma's faded hickey and general glow about her. "Guess who's in my English class?"

Emma shrugged, "Manny?"

"Nope, Sean Cameron. It wasn't so long ago he saved your life from certain danger. Is he your mystery man?" Liberty sighed, "I hope Manny's going to be okay. It's such a blow to her reputation."

Emma is super annoyed that Liberty brought him up and what happened the year before, "I don't have a mystery man?" She didn't want to talk about that stuff especially with Liberty.

"Lying never looked good on you, Nelson. It's all over your face." Emma preoccupied, pulled out her vibrating phone full of texts from Jay who was waiting on her in the car outside. Emma texted Jay completely over Liberty and all her questions.

How could she possibly spend an entire year's worth of lunch with her wanting to talk about frivolous things like love lives and judgments? It was going to be a long year. "I almost forgot I need to talk to Mr. Simpson about our next meeting."

Liberty was somewhat annoyed that Emma kept changing the subject and was clearly trying to get out of the conversation, "Um okay. I'll just wait for JT. Have you seen Toby lately? He's supposed to help with morning announcements this year."

Emma shrugged, shaking her head, "No. He's been quiet this summer."

Emma texted Jay back quickly:

"I gotta go," Emma told Liberty and waved to JT who was on his way back.

"What about lunch?" JT asked returning with some snacks. He had candy, pop tarts, a Gatorade and some slim jims.

Emma grabbed a slim jim from him, "I'll be taking this." He made a face, "I'll pay you back I promise." As she power-walked out of the cafe, down the hall and slipped out through the side doors as unnoticed by anyone to meet Jay.

She peered over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't caught and then she pulled him into a kiss by the lapels of his jacket once she got in the car. Little did she know Sean was on his way to talk to Mr. Elh in the shop room and he saw her leave. Sean peered out the window and saw them rolled his eyes and walked away. He was hurt but it wasn't the end of the world but it hurt him more than it let on.

Outside and in the car, Jay unlocked his car door and Emma hopped inside. "Today was awful." Emma groaned unhappily buckling herself in the passenger seat throwing her head back in fake agony, "I wish I could blow off the rest of the day."

"You can spend some time with me or you could go back in after lunch and finish out the day."

She grimaced, and then told him, "Todays just awful. We get there and some creep has naked photos of Manny posted all over the place in the MI lab and out front of the school. I have zero classes with Manny."

"I thought you were mad at Manny."

"I am but I feel really bad for her and I can't even be there for her because we had that stupid fight the other night."

Jay pulled out a joint, "I see why you don't want to go back." He lit it, took a drag and passed it to Emma, once they reached the park, "have a few puffs of this and you'll be fine."

She took a huge drag, held it in her mouth holding her breath and then exhaled a cloud of smoke, "Now really I can't go back." The weed hadn't kicked in but usually, when she smokes especially what Jay provides she knows she can't handle sitting in class high.

Jay laughed, "Good. I didn't want you to."

"I don't want to be there today at least. I don't do this sort of impulsive stuff, Jay, I've never skipped except for that day at Wasaga with Sean and Ellie."

"How's it feel?"

"Exhilarating."

"Awesome, so where do you wanna go? What do you wanna do?"

They decided to park the car and continue smoking. They ended up at a lake by the ravine near the park. Emma coughed and couldn't stop laughing at Jay's jokes as they spent the day together talking shit about people. "What did Liberty say again?"

"She asked me about my mystery man."

Jay cracked up laughing before taking another hit at the diminishing joint, he paused and exhaled, "Who's your mystery man?"

Jay passed it back to Emma, "Who do you think?" Emma asked looking at him, "Which reminds me you got to be careful. You got a little hungry on my neck."

Jay laughed and told her flirtatiously, "You're mine though. I can do what I want."

"I don't belong to anyone. I'm not like cattle or property."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"I know." Emma told him, "it's just then I get questions. I tried to cover up but it's too dark."

"Sorry, but you can't deny it felt good."

"You're not wrong but next time do it where I don't have to explain myself."

"What did you tell Manny when she saw it?"

"Nothing at all."

"And Liberty?"

"She kind of changed the subject but she saw it."

"I like when you tell me about your day."

"Anyway, I know JT and Liberty have been doing it. I mean they didn't go and tell me but I can observe it. So why was Liberty being judgemental? It's like I spent the entire summer feeling normal and now I got to be who everybody expects me to be. I'm back with everyone else who likes to live in the past and talk about the old shit that doesn't matter anymore."

"Like what?"

"Sean and the shooting."

"Who cares? It's old news, a big deal definitely but that was months ago. He went home to mommy dearest and we had to deal on our own."

"I guess everyone still is reeling. It's fucked up is all. They weren't in the hallway. Quite frankly the way I see it it's none of their business."

"Have you seen Issacs?"

Emma shook her head no, "Apparently he wasn't at school. Everyone thinks I know what's going on but he stopped being friends with me when I told his family that Rick was his friend. I can tell he's still messed up but he's just compartmentalizing."

Jay joked not being able to stop laughing, "Emma, how could you?"

Emma was serious despite Jay's laughter, "I know it wasn't my thing to tell. We truly haven't spoken since the vigil night after everything went down. I'm sure he got a lot of shit at home for that comment I made. I wish I could apologize. I'm always putting my foot in my mouth. Jay, it's not really funny these people are my friends."

"I'd say whatever the circumstances they were your friends. Past tense."

"You might be right, they just don't understand me anymore. Did I outgrow them?"

Jay shrugged, putting on his black sunglasses, "You think a lot. Just enjoy yourself, enjoy the high."

Emma dug in her pocket and pulled out the slim jim she swiped from JT tore it in half and gave half to Jay as she took it to her lips and took a bite. She made a face and spat it out on the sandy ground, "I didn't even see what I took this tastes like ass."

"Why would you take a slim jim if you don't even eat meat?" Jay took a bite with his mouthful he wasn't impressed, "eh they tasted better in the 90s."

Emma managed a giggle and handed him the rest of her slim jim, "I was hungry too but that was nasty."

"Let's go get lunch today, what are you in the mood for?"

"Sushi."

"I love sushi."

Emma was surprised, "You do? I feel like nobody does."

"Actually Emma, lots of people do. Maybe not your former friends but I do. My treat we'll go."

"Like a date?" Emma asked as they got in the car and drove.

"Come to think about it, we've never formally gone out anywhere, so yep like a date."

Emma gleefully told him, "Awesome, maybe one day my mom could make you sushi. She bought one of those kits at Barnes and Noble. It teaches you how to make it, it's fun." Jay didn't say anything as he drove carefully to the local sushi restaurant, "Nevermind?"

"I'm not the 'meet the parents' kind of guy honestly. I know Mr. Simpson doesn't like me or whatever reptile you call him sometimes. Plus he's a teacher."

"Snake? It's just a stupid nickname from high school."

"What did they call your dear old mom?"

She was amused, "Spike."

"Sounds adorable, Spike and Snake, or was it Snake and Spike? It sounds like a match made in heaven. Were they high school sweethearts?"

"Sorta kind of, it's a long story." Emma got quiet and shrugged, "I wouldn't know. Well, technically he's not my father."

"Wait what? Pump the breaks, I thought he was."

Emma turned to Jay not sure why it was relevant, "I visit my biological father like three times a year, he lives in Stouffville."

"That's definitely a hike. What does he do for a living? Like I hear that place is pricey. Is he a doctor or some shit?"

"He's under the doctors care, I got to jump through a lot of hoops to visit him."

"Institutionalized?"

"Yes well in a way. It's easier to just say he's away. Long story, however, it was mixed up around my whole life. I met him around this time two years ago for the very first time since I was three. He got me into knitting. It's how he copes with his issues."

"You knit?"

She nodded, "Yes I knit."

"I love learning about you. You're so interesting to me, like a science thing."

"The science of Emma Nelson? Sounds like a book."

"I find you as fascinating as you are beautiful," Jay told Emma flirtatiously as they sat down at the restaurant. Within seconds the waitress silently filled their cups with water and took their orders. They started with miso soup and a kani salad with ginger dressing and they got a loveboat with like three different types of sushi and a California roll. When it came they couldn't believe how much they had ordered but they finished it entirely.

When they got in the car they couldn't believe how much they had eaten. The bill wasn't very high and they decided to open up their fortune cookies there. Emma says, "Ever play the bed game?"

"What's that?" He sounded enticed immediately thinking in the gutter.

"You read the fortune and end it in bed. I'll do mine first." Emma ignored his tone and didn't protest, ripped open her fortune cookie and read her fortune, "You're embarking on love's journey in bed."

He laughed, "Okay I'm going to do mine." He did the same and ripped open his fortune. Emma ate her cookies and awaited Jay's fortune, "You're learning to take things at face value in bed."

They both giggled, he decided to check out his CD changer and realized he'd been force-feeding Emma his rock and rap music. She wasn't complaining but he wanted to know if there was anything she wanted to hear, "So what do you like listening to?"

Emma told him, "Pop."

"I can fuck with pop," Jay told her comically as he found a decent radio station in the pop genres. "Britney or Christina? Justin or Nick?"

"Britney and definitely Justin but I prefer Backstreet to NSYNC," She laughed, "You're such a pottymouth Mr. loud-ass speakers."

"No really what do you listen to?"

"I don't know a little bit of everything but I hate country and rap."

Jay pulled over and grabbed his CDs out of the glove box, as he leafed through he asked, "Do you like the eighties?"

"My mom was big into the 80s, I love those songs."

Jay grabbed a mix CD labeled 80s mix, it had a whole host of songs that they sang along to. From pop to hair metal to headbangers to one-hit wonders it was a great mix and Emma knew each and every word to every song. Jay also loved the 80s music because he feels like it brings him closer to the mother he hardly knew.

"We need a song," Jay told her, "like for us."

"How about the next track is our song. It doesn't matter what it is."

"It does need to lyrically fit us." Jay remarked, "on the count of three."

They both counted and Jay changed the track from Africa to something unexpected.

It was Rick Astley's Together Forever. Jay Hogart had managed to Rickroll her. The pair sang along to the words laughing making their way back to town. Emma arrived at home and you could hear a pin drop. It was like a record scratched and everything got quiet.

"Hello, anybody home?" She called out as she walked into the kitchen. Manny was seated with the police and with Snake and Spike. Manny had been crying, no one was smiling.

"Emma, Officers this is my daughter Emma."

"Hello," Officer Gretchen told her, seeming standoffish but Emma had interrupted.

"Why don't you take a seat Em," Spike told her pretty seriously, it was a command not a suggestion. Emma didn't say anything or protest and sat down.

"Is it true you skipped lunch and the rest of the day?" Snake asked her, Emma wordlessly nodded, "I've arranged with guidance that you have most of your classes with Manny now so she can look out for you and you can look out for her."

"Why are the police here? Is everything okay?"

"They have questions about the photos of Manny throughout the school and they came on their own. Daphne reported the incident and was careful not to tip off Manny's mom and dad." Spike told Emma tearfully, "it's like we all just put you back together and look at you, you're just going through the motions."

"That's not fair." Emma stated uncomfortably shaking her head crossing her arms over her chest, "we have company enough about me."

"Who are you and what happened to my daughter? I can't even look at you."

"What's this I hear about you talking to that boy Jayson Hogart?" Snake asked angrily. "Remember what happened this past spring? You're disappointing us."

"What is even going on right now?" Emma asked, raising her voice, "I'll tell you what when you guys stop asking me all that keep in mind about what really happened! Rick nearly shot me last year. I've been trying to deal it all on my own but it's getting really hard and I wasn't asking for help because this is what happens."

"Honey you just aren't yourself. Gretchen is going to talk to you about what you saw today and if you know anything please tell her."

"I'm not responsible for this but I will say I think I know who did this." Emma tearfully looked at Manny who's eyes were watering and glaring back at Emma.

"Berniece called and told me she won't represent me, she told me to also lose 20 pounds but that's all because of these pictures. I might even get sent somewhere for self-esteem training. Emma if you know anything you'd tell right?"

Emma nodded, "It's a long shot, I went to this party over the summer at this guys mansion and Manny came late and got so drunk she blacked out. Rumor has it someone took advantage of her at that party. I'm determined to get to the bottom of this."

"Does this sound familiar?"

Manny tearfully nodded, "I got there late. This dude was feeding me shots and everyone including me was drinking top-shelf long islands. I was mad because Emma was supposed to be there or I wouldn't bother even showing up. I got into a fight with my parents before the party." Gretchen the cop wrote this down, "The last thing I remember was taking shots with some guy, Paul, Pete or something or other I don't remember. I woke up the next morning and I figured I had a one night stand and I guess that's not a crime but I passed out or blacked out and I know I did something with this guy whether I wanted to or not but I just don't remember. I woke up in a strange bed with a guy I'd known a few hours. He had light hair but I couldn't see his face. I got the hell out and that's all I know."

The officer asked, "Was he tall or short? Hair length?"

"Medium and short blondish hair. Before that night I'd never seen him before. He probably doesn't go to school here." Manny tried to remain calm and collected but she was clearly affected.

"Do you still have your clothes from that night?"

She quietly whispered an affirmative yes. Spike handed the female officers Manny's dirty clothes from the previous night, "We'll take this to the lab, but we're going to run some tests at the hospital so you have to come with us. We suspect there's more to this story and we want to cover all the basics, possibly a sexual assault took place."

"Am I under arrest?" Terrified, Manny asked, unsure still seated, "can I have my friend with me?"

"Of course not even though you were drinking underage and yes you can have your friend with you as moral support." Emma and Manny went to the police car and got inside and to the hospital. While they waited for Manny's initial bloodwork to come back they were waiting around in the hospital room alone together.

"I'm sorry." Emma blurted out to Manny after the doctor left them alone, "I'm a shitty friend. I feel so sorry for what I said the other day."

"No, you're not shitty just preoccupied." Manny offered Emma a compassionate smile, "best friends fight. I'm sorry too."

"I wasn't there today. I can't imagine what you're going through."

Manny sighed, "It's not your fault."

"Neither is this, I'm going to find who did this to you one way or another."

"I don't even want to know if it's true." Manny clutched her legs tightly as if she were hugging them in her hospital gown in the hospital bed, "whoever did this has no heart. While you were getting candy bars from the vending machine they said I got roofied. It sounds like such a '90's teen drama trope, why do people do this?"

"I don't know Manny, but I'm here for you." Emma placed her arm on Manny's to comfort her and leaned on her, "we're gonna get to the bottom of this."

"Nice bracelet," Manny smirked, she always did admire shiny things. Nothing, not even a secret boyfriend gets by Manny, "when you guys are making it official? If you're not already."

"It was a gift from Jay." Emma told her beaming halfheartedly, "he's been good to me. I guess we already are."

"I can't believe that," Manny shook her head calmly, staring blankly ahead before turning to Emma, "he better be good to you or else. No one fucks with my best friend."

"And no one ever fucks with my best friend," Emma echoed the sentiment and offered Manny a warm smile as they awaited Manny's results. It was sure to be a long night.


	18. Chapter Nineteen: Never Gonna give you Up

Chapter Eighteen

Never Gonna Give You Up

Emma and Manny didn't leave the hospital until late in the wee hours of the next morning so Emma's parents said it was alright to stay home that day given the circumstances. Manny was still sleeping because she had a hard time getting to sleep with the not so great news. Emma slept in a little bit and ate her granola and almond milk for breakfast and grabbed her phone. She saw she had a text from Jay.

Hey mornin' beautiful. I just was hoping you aren't dead from all the sushi we had on our date yesterday lol

Emma typed realizing she hadn't texted Jay about what happened at home, to be fair she didn't have much time to think let alone text Jay.

Still alive but Its Defcon 4 here at the Simpson-Nelson house, what are you doing? Manny and I are allowed to stay home today bc some shit happened. Playing hooky under some weird circumstances lol

Then he typed up a response:

Yikes! What exactly happened to you last night when I dropped you off? I was hoping for my goodnight text from you lol. Anyway, I'm studying a lil now or trying to, any chance you can help me later on in the afternoon?

Emma thought for a moment and typed out:

Sorry got caught up with stuff I'll talk later. Sure thing.

Library around 3 work? I'll tell you all about it then.

Jay texted back without missing a beat:

You're a lifesaver. See you then, can't wait.

Jay decided to get Emma a coffee and a bagel for her help studying at The Dot and saw Sean sitting at the bar when he was finishing his late lunch. He had just gotten on his shift. Sean was clearly trying to avoid being seen but he was fuming while drinking his hot beverage and eating his fries. Jay finally noticed and awkwardly opened his mouth to say, "Sean, um hi."

Sean muttered the question, "Didn't they ban you?"

Jay picked a fine time to joke, but Sean wasn't having it, "Free country, just cause I don't go to school at your school anymore doesn't mean I can't get coffee."

"I heard. Doesn't stop you from picking up Emma midday yesterday."

Jay ignored him as he waited for his order to be made. Sean cleared his throat and put a few bucks on the table by his empty plate for his waiter Spinner, "I guess you guys are getting serious." Jay could tell Sean was trying his hurt but still managed to be a tough guy, he stood up and told Jay more like warned him, "Mark my words you break her heart we'll have some serious problems. Hear me?"

"Loud and clear, man." Jay stated calmly somewhat embarrassed and was feeling sort of apologetic for how things went down, "look I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It didn't come up. I knew you'd be mad but if there's any consolation if it helps it's not like we planned it."

"Damn right I'm mad, you know how I feel about her. I'm not just mad I'm flippin' furious."

"Actually I didn't know and I'm sorry."

"You're full of shit, you know that? You ain't sorry."

"Now that I do know it doesn't matter. She chose to talk to me and not you. It's not my fault and it's not hers. She was single okay? Maybe just maybe if you would've stuck around -"

Sean cut him off, pushing his chair in, "I needed to do what I needed to do. I don't need to explain myself. I gotta go." Spinner gave Jay his coffee and bagels in a brown paper bag and Sean acknowledged Spinner and decidedly stopped talking to Jay, "See you around, Spin. Your tips on the table."

"Um thanks, Sean." Spinner awkwardly stated, collected the money and then looked at Jay missing the majority of their conversation, "hey man what was that all about?"

"Nothing. I'll tell ya later," Jay dismissed the conversation and rushed out the restaurant in an effort to catch Sean before he left, he could see and hear Sean driving away in his loud red sedan from the lot and he quickly sped off without a second to spare.

Spinner had tables to tend to, he knew there was something wrong but he had to work and finish up some tables before he can talk to him about it.

Outside, Jay took a walk to the library and took a sip of his black coffee before he stepped inside the quiet rooms. He found an empty table and sat down, placed his book bag on the seat next to his took out his notebook and started to read. He was a few minutes early but he wanted to get ahead of Emma at least so his notes were fresh in his mind.

Jay kind of liked the smell of the old books, dim lighting and enjoyed the silence in the antiquated architecture of the place. One of the few things he remembered about his mother Connie is she loved antiques and books, the necklace he gifted Emma was clearly from a bygone era. He knew if he could ask his mother she'd tell him. Before she met Jay's father she studied history and minored in art and art but Jay never inherited her love of learning but did have an eye for old stuff. Their home was once decorated with vintage finds from the thirties. When she died Jay's dad sold mostly off because it reminded him too much of her and he made the place look more modern. Jay currently has one of her old wooden dressers in his bedroom but mostly his furniture was a hodgepodge of the thrift store, heirloom, and hand me downs. Jay knows that the dresser could sell for big-time at an auction but it's among the few things that he has left from his mother so he'd never part with it.

Emma finally arrived a few minutes, with her backpack with her notes. It was still hot so she was wearing a blue and yellow floral sundress and flip flops. She was wearing a light blue short cardigan over her shoulders to complete the look. Jay knew he'd be tempted to check her out but he was impressed with her dress. He told her, "You look nice."

"Thanks, Jay," Emma told him with a smile. She was sort of hoping he'd take notice and she was happy that he complimented her. She then grabbed a few things out of her bag facing him in the wooden chairs, "so we're going to start with English. What books have you read?"

Jay shrugged jokingly asking her quietly because they were in a library after all, "What are books?"

She rolled her eyes and laughed, "It's going to be a long day isn't it."

"I used to really like to read if you can believe it."

"Why'd you stop?"

"When I lost my mom, my dad got rid of all her books for all sorts of reasons mostly it was a reminder and he was afraid to grieve. When I was growing up, she had her own large library in the living room. Think of that part where they dance in Beauty in the Beast except like not as grand."

"Sounds lovely and a bit sad. How did you make it to the 11th grade without reading any of the recommended literature?"

"I had read some of them when I was younger, I had a high school reading level when I was in elementary. I got bored, but I did pass those classes even if I didn't always come to class." Jay thought for a moment, "I loved the worlds created by William Shakespeare, as cliche as it sounds."

"Shakespeare isn't a cliche to me. His writing and stories and worlds he creates can be beautiful." Emma admitted, "I like As You Like It."

"Ah, one of the comedies."

"It's romantic and kind of sweet and yes I know a little cliched but I don't know it told me how much I wanted to be wooed by a guy."

"A comedy is better than a tragedy. At least it's not as cliche Romeo and Juliet."

"I guess so, even though I know some of Romeo and Juliet will be in the curriculum quizzes and all."

"Well, that's what we're studying today."

"I don't think I've read as you like it. Can we talk about that one instead?"

"So where do we begin?"

"I haven't read it in a while but," Emma grabbed her No Fear Shakespeare edition out of her backpack and handed it to Jay, "here's mine. I hope you don't mind text marking and how it's every page on one side it's the regular text and the other side has footnotes and a more layman's version."

"What's text marking?"

"Notes kind of. You didn't learn that?" Jay shook his head, " It's basically ways to remember what you're reading. Underlining the important parts and it's generally a helpful tool. It makes it easier to remember details in case they come up in a discussion, at least that's how I understand it to be."

"You're not gonna quiz me or judge my text marking right?"

"No, of course not."

"I can read it later on." Jay put it in his backpack and listened to Emma to talk about English, books, and thoughts. It was a good way for her to get her mind off of what was happening lately. He was captivated by how she made everything even the mundane sound so interesting and cool even. "You know you should be a professor, anyone ever tell you that?"

"I've only tutored I just don't have that balls to get up in front of classrooms and talk for hours."

"Sure you do. Sean told me you presented this stupid book you guys had to read called I Heard the Owl call my name and made quite a stir."

Emma's smile faded, it wasn't so simple, she got flushed knowing exactly what Jay was referencing even if he didn't know it himself, "He might have me mistaken with someone else."

Jay shook his head seeing her get red in the face, "I don't know. He didn't sound like he was."

"I don't even want to know." Emma told him looking ahead hoping he'd shut up, "we did have a lot of classes together back then. I think he was in all my classes."

"Anyway, I don't know why you're getting all bent out of shape."

"I'm bent out of shape because it was embarrassing. I was like 12 then and he told you of all things and all stories that? Ugh, how the heck did that even come up?"

"We were talking about what he ever saw in you before he left. He said he realized he liked you back then because he kind of dug how unapologetic you were and brutally honest and upfront and passionate about your goals and shit." Jay laughed adding, "Oh to be a fly on the way that day."

"At least you weren't a witness to the first date."

"I'm listening."

"A bird pooped on my shoulder right after me and my date left the house."

Jay laughed out loud and caught a few stares, "Sorry," he recovered from his laughter and apologized to Emma quietly, "I'm sorry but that's funny and apparently good luck."

"Everybody says that," Emma told Jay and looked at him, "Sean's infatuated with who I used to be."

"Why? What makes you say that?" Jay asked.

Emma shrugged, "God only knows and because he has unrealistic expectations. I don't want to talk about that."

"You might be right, anyway we're getting off-topic let's get back to the English stuff."

Emma told him, "Fair enough."

She continued talking about English related things that he barely understood and he just watched her talk. Watched her get passionate about the things she loves and he liked the expression on her face when she talked about the things she hates. She could be so expressive. It didn't matter what she was talking about or if he understood some of the bigger words she used to describe things. It was becoming evident he was becoming more and more infatuated with the girl he's with now and how her beauty shines inside and out. He absorbed each and every word. There was a science to her he'll never figure out but now that she has him he knows he's never giving up on her. He knows Emma's been through the wringer romantically and otherwise and he's heeding Sean's warning. He never wants to give her up or let her down, leave her and desert her like Sean did and say goodbye. The more Jay learns about Emma, the more he likes her and he can't get enough.

Xxx

After a few hours of studying Jay and Emma went to their spot at the ravine and just hung out, they left their backpacks in the orange civic. She removed her shrug as they laid on the hood of his car watching the sky go from light to dark as the day bled into nightfall. They were silently holding hands lying back as he asked, "So since we're looking at them, what's your star sign?"

"Gemini."

"I'm born in March so that makes me, an Aries I think?"

"Or you could be a Pisces I think."

"Cool," He said and then he remembered Emma had an eventful night, "so what happened to you yesterday?"

"I got home and this police officer was there about Manny. I'm apparently not able to say much cause its an investigation."

"Is she okay?"

Emma thought for a moment about it all and shook her head no, "She puts on a brave face but I think she's really upset. I want to be there for her so I should probably go back home soon."

"I don't blame you even though I love spending time with you."

"Why is that?"

"Why I love spending time with you?"

"Yes."

"I told you before you are a pretty fascinating person and you're easy to talk to."

"So are you," Emma told him, "I used to think one way about you but you're very multifaceted."

"What does that even mean?"

"Many layers to you."

"I can say the same about you."

"Well, you can't pigeonhole me into one category."

"I wouldn't have it any other way, you're unapologetic about who you are and I like it."

"I can't be anyone else but myself."

"People like you, people don't like me," Jay brooded for a second, "we couldn't be more different but maybe you can rub off on me and make me better."

"What's wrong with being yourself? You're always building me up but taking bricks out of yourself and tearing yourself down. I don't understand why you do it."

"You sometimes don't realize it but you sometimes need the extra encouragement. You don't give yourself enough credit."

"Not always, I just don't like tooting my own horn or being braggadocious."

Impressed by the last word he said he said, "Ah, another weird vocabulary word. What's wrong with that stuff though?"

"I don't want to be arrogant or come off that way. I don't have that swagger to pull it off."

"You mean confidence?"

"I guess. I don't have much of that. I overthink everything. If I underthink it I end up doing foolish and embarrassing things."

"Confidence is sexy, like when you use those big words or when you walk into a room knowing you look good." Jay told her, "sometimes you just know things, things I'm learning and believe me I like learning about you."

"I like that you like that. I never thought of myself that way."

"Sometimes not knowing or not thinking about makes you confident in a way because you're right I can be arrogant as all hell on the occasion."

"I guess there's that fine line between confidence and arrogance."

"I'm always teetering on it but inside I know sometimes I'm putting on a show. When people say mean shit to me I just fight back harder and use a low blow and they're only giving me back when I give them but tenfold."

"What kind of show?"

"What you see, and then my many internal layers." Jay told her, "sometimes I hide shit about my feelings from people because I hate being you know what's the word open?"

"I believe you mean vulnerable."

"Maybe."

"I try to avoid it because people are always taking advantage of that if they could observe it. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve but I don't do that anymore."

"You can be honest or vulnerable with me. I can take it." Emma sat up and he sat up with her seconds later, she thought for a moment, "Something wrong?"

She shook her head quietly, and turned around to face him sitting up, "Want to know a secret?"

"Sure," He said inching closer.

"I'm glad you're in my life."

"Is there a but?"

"No buts about it honestly, you like me for me."

"I do."

"You were right when you said it's real. I don't know why I avoided it at the time."

"I don't either," Jay told her softly, "maybe you were scared to be so honest and opened up."

"Alcohol helps," she told him humoring him, "but sometimes sober there's too many inhibitions in the way."

"This is true, but we're sober now and look we're having a real and thoughtful conversation. Who'd of thought?"

"Who'd of thought of all people I'd be spilling my guts to you."

"You got to stop caring about your pre-conceived thoughts of me or whoever I was before now. I used to put on a show in an effort to hide."

"Hide from what?" She asked Jay, "I'm just saying, I didn't even think we'd get to this place but now that we're here it feels somehow right."

"It feels right to me too." Jay told her, he slowly reached down to her hand and caressed her hand, she didn't flinch or pull away, she held it back, "I know you gotta go but I wish you didn't have to."

"I know, I don't want to go but I gotta, Manny needs me." Emma didn't want to let go of him, but she lingered there for a few moments. "I can text you tonight."

"Okay, thanks again Emma for helping me study."

"Anytime. I gotta go now, I'll text you later, " She told him slowly letting go of his hand and kissing him softly on the lips resisting the temptation to stay put. She stepped down from the car and put on her shoes and sweater and walked home leaving him there. Emma arrived home through the front door and down the basement steps, Manny was reading a magazine on Emma's butterfly chair.

"How was studying with Jay?" She didn't look up, "you guys were gone awhile."

"Where's my parents? I didn't see them upstairs."

Manny looked up at Emma, "Your mom and dad had a thing to go to. They said they'll be back they asked about you I said you were at the library and at Barnes and Noble getting books. I know your parents aren't pleased but I did my best to cover for you. Sadly they grounded me for drinking underage, my parents would've done the same. It's not all bad, "' I've got a lot of magazines to read through and Perino assigned an essay we missed. Liberty brought over some books."

"Oh right, this weekend is the bed and breakfast thing."

"They couldn't get out of it believe me they wanted to stay home when they found out what happened last night," Manny said to Emma matter of factly, "but they would've lost the deposit and they're booked up next weekend so they went."

"They definitely need to work on their marriage, this summer was awful for them."

"Do tell?" Manny was interested and concerned, she briefly put her mag down.

"It's mostly about money, when Snake got sick it took a number on their savings. It's nice though that they're doing something for themselves though. They deserve to have a weekend away."

Spike and Snake scraped up enough extra money from the salon to have a weekend getaway just the two of them, "Jack's at your grandmothers before you ask."

"I was wondering why it's so quiet without a toddler."

"I know, it'll be a girl's weekend even if I can't do anything. I don't even wanna go anywhere or do anything." Manny begged Emma, "Can we do manis and pedis and masks?"

"We'll do it all movies, manis hell even margaritas whatever you want tonight, but can Jay come over tomorrow night?"

"What about your parent's rules?"

"No boys when they're gone and no parties I know."

"I won't tell. Plus its just one person," Manny told her, "I'll just hang out upstairs. A few hours won't hurt."

"Thank-you."

"What are best friends for? I'll give him a chance. If he makes one dirty joke he's done."

"Whatever, I'll give him a warning. Thanks again, Manny." Emma gave her friend a hug and the two girls had their girls night. They made guacamole and had it with tortilla chips, they made face masks, they listened to their favorite 90's hits, they watched The Notebook and cried ugly tears, they took turns painting nails and gossiped. It was just what Manny needed to get her mind off of what happened to her. They didn't address the giant elephant in the room about what happened to her but it was great being able to just be friends and spend some much-needed carefree friend time together.


	19. Chapter 19: Trauma and Temper Tantrums

Chapter 19

Trauma and Temper Tantrums

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon at Emma's.

Emma and Manny had stayed up late the night before so they woke around noon starving but there wasn't much to eat in the house. Emma suggested, "Well maybe we can go to The Dot and grab brunch?" Manny made a face that implied she didn't want to go, "I can go grab it I guess by myself and bring it to you."

"Now you're talkin'," Manny told her, beaming with her dimples showing further explaining herself, "I'm just trying to keep a low profile, I'm still humiliated."

"I'm going to find out who did that like I said I have my theory," Emma put on her ballet flats and a t-shirt over her tank top giving her look a layered effect. She brushed her hair and put it in a low pony. "I just don't want you always hiding out you know, but eventually I think you can move past this."

"Enlighten me on your theory."

Emma told her plainly, "Peter the one from the pool."

"Honestly Emma, it's kind of a stretch," Manny made excuses because she wanted her to be wrong, she backed up back onto her bed, "Why would your Peter hate me? I barely spoke to him."

"He's not my anything. Honestly, he's a kind of a jerk, a complete tool and he has a motive."

"Just because you went all feminist and bailed on him doesn't mean he's the culprit."

"Party was at his house and he doesn't exactly have an alibi."

Manny uncomfortably asked, "I don't know, Em no offense to your theory, can we talk about something else?"

"I'm done hypothesizing, it's not like we're going to have an opportunity to see him anyway. He doesn't go to Degrassi." Emma preoccupied and nonchalantly said as she dug in her bedside table drawer and found her menu brochure for The Dot and gave it to Manny, "Write down and order whatever you'd like. I got paid yesterday for my shifts at my mom's salon."

"When I get a part-time job I promise to pay you back."

"Honestly don't even worry about it, I got you."

"Thanks, Em."

"Manny, whatever you do Manny, don't give up on your dream."

Manny softly smiled uncomfortably, "I'm not planning on it, it just seems a little unattainable given the circumstances. I'm just going on a hiatus until all of this hopefully blows over and I lose twenty pounds whichever comes first."

"You're not fat, you don't need to lose any. It will blow over, it's our school isn't there a giant scandal every year that everyone forgets about within months? Fuck Berniece there's other agents and gigs. If she isn't going to represent you someone better will come along."

"You're not completely wrong," Manny shrugged her shoulders, quickly went over the menu and told Emma, "Just order me a Caprese panini with extra mozzarella, add chicken and we can split fries," While Emma went to order and pick up food, Manny signed on and got online and saw that Craig Manning was online and had sent her a message.

She had a feeling he was messaging her because of the pictures in the school, she wondered to herself, had everyone seen them?

His first message he apologized for what he said to her at school and how she didn't deserve that is a mistake he made in life and then they sort of went from there. They never met up but they also didn't talk about serious things. He confided in her about what he had done, about running away, about Skinny the homeless guy and about how Joey helped save his life and get him on the right track after Ashley's departure. She told him about her lofty ambitions of being an actress. He said he would go see her in her first gig. She told him whenever he and the 'squash had a gig she'd come to watch. Manny liked talking to him more than she liked to admit but she was naturally on guard because the last time she gave him heart he had let her down.

overxposed: manny, I'm concerned about you. Its been a bit, can we talk?

smileygurlxox: hi, I didn't see you Thursday then again I'm sure you heard what happened

overxposed: not from who matters. in case you were wondering from you as in yourself

smileygurlxox: it's a long story Craig i won't bore u with the details but you know how my parents are strict but not even i knew how bad we had a stupid fight i left and the next day i come home and i got kicked out and i live with emma and her family

overxposed: wow, wasn't expecting that but I know how you told me about them before, like last time we talked

smileygurlxox: of course before that i don't even remember what happened but i went to a party got roofied and now there's scandalous photos i have zero recollection of taking. Emma thinks its some guy we barely know who she bitched out at the pool but idk between you and me i know it probably is him and i blacked out so it's everyone at the party's word against mine

overxposed: omg are you ok? I'm so sorry that happened. I had a feeling it wasn't your fault. I'm messaging you bc inviting you tonight to my show, downtown sasquatches' show but i'd really like for you to come to the show no pressure i doubt the last place u wanna be is with me or in public i wouldn't blame u if u didnt wanna go but the offer stands

smileygurlxox: i guess im ok um wow a show? Can I think about it and get back to you?

overxposed: so its a maybe?

smileygurlxox: a maybe yes

overxposed: well you dont gotta stay long if you dont wanna but i'll be coming to the place around 730 and i'm scheduled to go on around 9 so i can keep you company until the set

smileygurlxo: oh okay, well i'll message before then but if i dont see u online i'll just show up if that's ok

overxposed: cool hope to see you there. well i gotta go marco ellie and jimmy and the band are here for practice later manny i really hope u decide to come

overxposed put up an away message at 12:30:03 PM band practice bbl ps come to the show tonight, we got cookies! Leave it, I'll see messages later. hope 2 see u there - c

Manny hadn't told Emma or anyone that she had talked to Craig a bit over the summer over aim in the internet cafe when she was able to and by phone but it's not like she's in love and is going to up and date him. She would, however, consider the invitation, besides it'd give Emma and Jay some free time alone to make out or whatever they do and she didn't want to third wheel it or be sitting around. Manny was against breaking rules but it isn't like Spike or Snake would ever find out about her sneaking out to one set and then going straight home. She could always say to Emma she was getting ben and jerry's and she'd be right home. Manny didn't like that Emma was dating Jay but she was willing to see them together and be the judge of whether it'll last or fizzle out.

Emma was walking and she saw a red sedan drive by and drive behind her. She moved out of the way and lifted her sunglasses. She turned around and saw that it was Sean behind the while he rolled down his window and he greeted her, "Hey."

She was still walking as he slowly rode up next to her and she finally felt backed into a corner. Annoyed, she just gave her a quick, "Hi."

Sean asked bluntly, "So where are you going," she didn't answer fuming and he could tell, "you're not gonna talk to me now?"

Emma exclaimed, finally looking in his direction, "I have no idea what to say to you."

"How are you doing? I've got a few ideas like and such as you're with Jay now."

Emma stopped walking and closed her eyes exasperated, "Sean please can you not do this right now?"

Sean decided to pull over behind Emma and park his car. Emma kept walking but noticed that Sean was walking too. He caught up to her and told her, "Wait up," he called out Emma sort of stopped and heard him out, "I'm sorry if I made you mad. It's just, I don't know I was kind of hoping we can talk."

"Like I said, I don't know what to say to you." Emma avoided his eyes as they walked in the same direction looking ahead, she could see The Dot in the distance.

"Maybe you can just listen?" Sean suggested clearing his throat before saying the next careful words, at least he thought he was treading lightly, "It's just I know Jay and I know you but together I just don't understand it." Emma shot him a death stare silently and nonchalantly kept walking silently.

"Everyone thinks they got an idea about me, who I am, what I'm worth. Manny, my parents, hell even Jay himself; you don't even know me at all if you don't understand. You might know some version of me that doesn't exist anymore."

"Jay was my friend and it hurt that you're with him now knowing exactly what kind of guy he is and who I've always known you to be."

"You missed a lot evidently."

"Can you at least bring me up to speed? I'm really trying here. I've got a lot of feelings regarding you. I just thought you of all people would understand and maybe feel that way."

"For a while, I did, for a while as I told you the other night I had feelings for you. I might even still do but I just can't take you right now. I can't take looking at you, I can't face you because I've disappointed you. It was sometimes nice you know, that you've always thought highly of me but it took me till now to realize you don't really know me and you just think you do."

"Bullshit, Emma. I call bullshit when I see it."

"How is it bullshit?"

"He's warped your perception of reality. It's how he operates, he did it with me with you. He's a master manipulator. Be careful."

"No, he hasn't, I'm just seeing things without rose-colored glasses, things like you, what we were and what we aren't now." Emma scoffed, shaking her head, they stopped for a spell on the sidewalk, "Answer me this, in the past, you gaslighted me into thinking you didn't steal from my family, I know the truth. When were you going to come clean about the laptop? I was made to believe I was the crazy person in that scenario."

Sean's eyes widened asking Emma and begging her to see the light, "Jay tell you this to make me look bad? Gaslighting? Come on Emma, please open your eyes!"

Emma dismissed his question and simply nodded her head yes, "Doesn't matter who told me, just tell me is it true?"

Sean couldn't lie to Emma, he sheepishly nodded in response before apologizing, "I told you I was sorry for everything and you made it sound like you knew that stuff already and told me it was in so many words okay. I want to make that up to you." Sean sighed, "remember that summer I was fixing Mr. Simpson's car?" Sean sighed, "I didn't want you to be mad at me either."

Emma nodded not sure what it had to do with anything, she had her arms crossed over her chest, "Of course."

"It was sort of a deal I struck up with him to make up for stealing that laptop. It's not like I stole from you, Emma. It took me a long time for him to trust me again. I fucked up I know that. What does that have to do with us?"

"I don't know," She answered, still unable to look him in the eye, "I think, no, I know I loved you once, Sean and it really hurt when you did that. I was so angry with you. Even if things were different it would've taken me a while to heal. You know how impatient I can be so I dated Chris to try and see if I could get past my feelings for you for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to get over it but I couldn't." Emma added, "Jay is different though. I didn't force it to happen and neither did he. It just sorta of happened."

Sean almost mocked her, "I get that it's complicated," and then he still maintained that, "but I deserved to know that."

"Who are you to tell me what I can do? We're not married, we just dated. You weren't in love, not like I was. You cannot tell me who I can date. Are you crazy?"

"I'm not crazy but I was in love with you Emma! I was in love with you and quite frankly I don't know if I ever really stopped being or feeling that way. I might've moved on but I didn't forget."

"Sean doesn't lie to me. I know you moved on. Don't humor me. When the hell were you in love? I'm always the last to know, hurts don't it?

Sean didn't say anything and simply listened as Emma went on, "Was it when I tried to get you to stop fighting Jimmy and you pushed me or better yet more recently when you saved my life? I know you had your shit and I had mine, you grieved your way and I grieved mine. I nearly lost my fucking mind! Coming face to face with mortality," Emma got silent, "I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. It's none of your business at the end of the day what I do. You might've kept me here somehow, how could I ever thank you?"

"How about you consider this, what if I wasn't there? Sometimes I wonder if I could only remember the good times."

"What's that supposed to mean? What do you think you are owed a date?" Emma glared at him with disgust attempting to walk away before saying, "I thought it was a bit more selfless than that."

"No, hypothetically I wouldn't want to be on the planet if you were just plain gone."

Emma softened up and stopped walking and turned around to face him again, "You think I don't know? It hurts to be the last one standing. You weren't the only one there! Sometimes I think you think that."

"Forget it, Emma, I'll just go."

"Just go just walk like you always do, my fucking hero," Emma bitterly stated sarcastically, rolling her eyes walking toward the doors of The Dot while Sean walked away ripped open his car door and got inside, slammed the door of his car and the engine turned over speeding off again. He put his music on loud. He was just so livid at that moment and he didn't want to say anymore or do anything he'd regret so he simply went home.

When Sean arrived home in the empty house he wanted to hit something he let out this wail. He managed to put a hole in his wall because he missed the punching bag in the foyer and hit the wall. He didn't have his gloves on so his knuckles bruised, he muttered, "Fuck," as he slid down the wall and crumbled his body on the floor holding his bloodied and bruised hand. Sean wasn't a crier but his anger took over.

Emma heard the bells jingle as she walked into The Dot no one was there just Spinner Mason from school. Spinner looked up from whatever he was doing and simply greeted her, "How can I help you?"

Emma caught her breath and grabbed two cokes from the self-serve fridge, "These sodas, a Caprese panini with chicken and extra mozzarella, a large order of Dot Fries, I'll just take a Ceasar wrap to go."

"Wheat or white tortilla for the wrap?"

Perturbed and somewhat in a hurry answered, "I don't care. Surprise me."

"I'll just go with white," Spinner thought out loud as if to say calm down it was a simple question. He told her, "Should be ready in fifteen minutes, it's going to come to $15.50."

She paid and then Emma found a seat somewhere in the empty restaurant and waited for the order putting her sodas on the table. She decided not to sit at the bar counter and opted for a window seat. Emma felt somewhat guilty about the exchange with Sean but there was a lot she had to say to him and his unrealistic expectations. She warned him she had no idea what to say to him so he walked into that if she was being honest. He signed up for an earful and she gave him what he handed her back.

Those things needed to be addressed and now they're out there in the universe and they can't take it back.

Spinner called Emma over and gave her the order in a large brown paper bag, "Here you go, can you do me a solid? If you run into Manny tell her I said hi. I figured the panini is hers."

Emma didn't protest or make any comment regarding Manny and Spinner's estrangement and simply told him, "Thank you," and left the place. She walked back home and retreated to the basement to join Manny. Emma had a small card table that Manny cleared off the makeup from the night before while Emma was gone so they had somewhere to eat.

"Hey Em," Manny told Emma, "what took you?"

Emma took out her wrap wrapped in foil out of the bag and passed the bag to Manny, "Long story short, Sean and I sort of got into it on the way. Speaking of exes, Spinner said hello."

"Ugh," Manny reacted as she grabbed the bag and her stuff, "can he just forget we dated? It's obvious he wanted to talk because he has no friends and he saw the pictures."

"I saw the pictures and I wanna be friends with you, to be fair."

"After what happened today with Sean, I doubt he'd want to be friends with me. He already hates Jay."

"What did he say?"

"He's giving me shit for dating Jay."

"You know Sean cares he just has a weird way of showing it, I don't think after everything you've been through he'd ever be able to say he hates you."

"In so many words I think he does now. Sometimes disappointment is worse than hatred. Jay was supposed to be his friend and I get that but to Sean, I'm a disappointment."

"It's 'cause you're not choosing to date him."

"I know why, and it has a lot to do with me and how I've changed a lot since the last time we were together."

Emma opened up her soda and Manny opened up her sandwich, "Well maybe in the future you could be friends or at least cordial acquaintances. You were friends in middle school."

"Honestly I don't even know and I don't want to talk about Sean. I want to enjoy my wrap and chill the hell out until I get ready for Jay coming over."

"I was wondering if you could do me a solid for covering for you last night."

"I'm listening."

"Can I go to Craig's show? I know your parents sorta grounded me but we talked a bit over the summer soI know it's not about the photos."

"Craig's having a show? What happened to keep a low profile?"

"I knew you'd say something so forget it."

"You could go if you want, that's not the issue, it's just I'm worried about you and Craig talking again. I know how you used to feel about him and I don't want him using you again."

"We're friends that's it Emma, honest."

"I won't tell." Emma told Manny and took a bite of her food, "just be home semi-early."

"Starts at 7 something, sets at 9 apparently so after his set I'll come home."

"Perfect, besides I think Jay wants you to still be there when he's here."

"I figured I'd be doing you guys a huge favor to have some alone time," Manny questioned raising her eyebrow, "I mean I don't want to see you guys all over each other."

"We'll be hands-off if you're in the room silly, we're not neanderthals we don't wanna make you uncomfortable."

Emma checked her phone beside her and saw a text from Jay, it read:

What does Manny want to drink for later on? I got a lot of choices for party favors (;

"What do you want to drink later? Jay wants to know."

"Whatever he's got. No long islands! No patron."

"I don't like the taste of patron," Emma laughed, "I don't even know how to make long islands or what goes in them?"

"It's better that you don't. It's everything but the kitchen sink. I guess whatever you guys wanna drink no beer either."

"I like whiskey, rum, and bourbon."

"Since when I mean I know you drink but since when do you like straight-up liquor? Are you sure you're not from the south even though I know you're not?"

"It's just whatever Jay had in the ravine, sometimes it's beer or vodka but I got absolutely plastered with vodka. I mellow out mostly with the darker liquors."

"I don't think mellow is even a mood for you, you're the opposite of mellow." Emma quickly texted Jay what Manny doesn't want and told him to pick from there.

Emma took some offense, "Hey!"

"I've known you for years, I wonder what you're even like drunk."

"I'm a fun drunk. You shall see it tonight."

"I'd pay to see it."

"After the show tonight you will definitely see." Emma told her, suggesting, "I can help you get ready later if you want. I'll let you borrow something cute." She took a look at her pigsty of a room, "First though we'll clean up for tonight after we eat."


	20. Chapter 20 Saturday Night

Chapter 20

Saturday Night

Emma took a short nap in the afternoon while Manny unpacked her things and put them in her drawers. She noticed in her bag a pretty newish dress that would be perfect for Emma so she hung it up on one of the rafters so she'd see it when she woke up. As she hung the dress, Manny takes notice of Emma's sleeptalks, Manny knew that she sometimes sleeptalks. She grew concerned when she heard Emma whimpering and crying, she was terrified whatever she was dreaming about.

She was tossing and turning whispered, whining and begging, "Put it down, put the gun down." She paused again turning on her back, "Please, don't hurt me."

Manny panicked she knew what her nightmare was about and without missing a beat she quickly rocked Emma awake. Shaken up, Emma slowly woke up in a cold sweat panting. She immediately rubbed her eyes with her fists and sat up.

Manny asked with concern, "Is everything okay?"

"I'm sorry you had to see that," Emma sighed running her hand through her bedhead she attempted to lighten up the subject, "nightmares strike again, but this time during the day."

With determination in her voice, she commanded to Emma, "Monday we're seeing Sauve." Emma's face fell and she opened her mouth to make a comment but Manny added, "I don't care what you say. How long has this been going on?"

Emma sadly shrugged, "I don't know about all that but since the spring. It sucks but I can manage." Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a little black dress on the rafters and smiled and quickly changed the subject to it, "Manny that dress is beautiful, is that what you're wearing to Craig's show tonight?"

"Heavens no, actually it is yours for tonight." Manny grinned adding, "you like?"

Emma continued admiring the dress, "I love, are you sure?"

"Yeah I'm sure, Jay will flip when he sees you in it."

"I hope so," Emma beamed, "it's a little revealing but I think I could pull it off even if we're just gonna be sitting around the house."

xxxxx

Manny arrived at the venue in a large abandoned factory on the edge of town. A few years ago the building was gutted and became home to shows every Saturday Night $5 a head, it looked like a warehouse but was very spacious and had a collapsable stage. The walls were covered in spray-painted graffiti and band posters of previous acts.

She heard and saw other musicians setting up the stage and warming up their instruments, she was a little overdressed and she was garnering some reactions she tried her best to ignore. She just looked around for Craig and she saw him with his friends and band, "Manny," she heard him call out to her as he jogged on over. "I'm glad you came."

She waved to him awkwardly replying, "Thanks for inviting me." It wasn't Manny's scene but she was grateful for the invitation.

Craig smiled and gave her a red solo cup from the collapsable table by him and a sharpie gesturing behind him, "Here you go, it's for the keg over by the stage."

Manny wrote her name on the cup and passed him back the marker, she didn't mention the fact she didn't like beer. Beggars can't be choosers at least for this part she'll simply get used to the taste of beer which wasn't her favorite. They filled their cups.

Craig told her, "What should we toast this Keystone to?"

Manny unsure shrugged, "To Downtown Sasquatch?"

They both then said it in unison and clinked plastic cups and took a sip. Unseen Manny grimaced and nearly gagged it was probably the cheapest and worst beer she had ever tasted.

Finally, Craig and Manny walked toward the other side of the venue and joined Craig's friends and bandmates Ellie, Marco, and Jimmy who was in his wheelchair toying his electric guitar. "You came just in time for soundcheck," Marco kindly told her wearing his accordion on his chest with an awkward smile. Jimmy looked up and waved sheepishly.

Craig had warned everyone ahead of time to be nice to Manny and under any circumstances make her feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. Ellie was seated at the drumset beating to her own drum, she wordlessly acknowledged Manny by glaring her way. It was obvious Ellie didn't like Manny and didn't know the story but knew enough to not like her. She bit her tongue and didn't say anything not wanting to upset Craig and make him regret putting her on drums.

Jimmy dug in his bag and passed Manny a tambourine, "Can you keep time?"

Manny beamed uncomfortably, perhaps tonight wouldn't be a bad night. It was a plus they were friendly with her and while he had wished to keep a low profile even though she was out she was grateful for their kindness. Craig's friends didn't mention the pictures and she hoped they hadn't seen them. She looked to Ellie for approval for some reason and hesitated not so confident in her ability, "I don't know guys."

Craig encouraged her, "I know you can, just tap it on the beats."

"What's on the setlist?" Manny asked curiously.

"We're thinking about scrapping dust, and the emo tracks we did for the movie. Joey wanted us to sing some crowd-pleasing covers and we worked on some new songs over the summer we sorta developed a new sound. We hope you like our set but we need your help."

"George Michael." Marco joked when it came to covers.

Manny shot Craig a confused expression, "Eighties?"

"Marco wishes we were singing some Wham!" Craig shot him a weird look before turning back to Manny, "No, George Michael, it's just an inside joke," Craig muttered somewhat embarrassed shaking his head as he confidently told Manny, "Nah it's more like late seventies funk."

"Different in an interesting sorta way," Manny remarked sipping her beer.

"Think rock with some funk percussion with Ellie and Jimmy's got a mean riff going and we got me on lead vocals and Marco sings back up and plays bass and of course the covers are crowd-pleaser throwbacks. At best we get applause at worse they boo us off stage."

Manny liked hearing Craig talk about his music. She could hear him, he was so excited and passionate about it she could tell he was chomping at the bit for his turn to hit the stage and itching to sing and perform with his friends, "I can't wait to hear it."

"So will you help?" Jimmy asked hopeful, "Ellie's still new on drums."

Ellie made a face, but they were right. Ellie hadn't been playing forever but she was decent but she has to concentrate on her time so the tambourine is essential. "What do you say?" Craig took the tambourine from Jimmy and passed it to Manny, "You played last year, you can play tonight? Please?"

"Alright."

The band celebrated and they were eventually called for their soundcheck and they sounded phenomenal. Manny nursed her beer until it was too hot and gross to drink and she got water instead.

After the soundcheck, she needed to break the seal so to speak and Manny went in the bathroom to freshen up. The room was boiling so she needed to reapply some of her makeup. That's when the trouble started, there were four girls from the pool and from the party that night. The girls reminded her of the plastics, in reality, they were hopeless wannabes but Manny was pretty much ostracized because of her mistake making them cooler than her by proxy.

They all exchanged looks and saw Manny putting on her lipstick. Covertly talked crap about her from the bathroom mirrors as they were reapplying their lipstick. One girl started it up was who Emma always referred to as 'tankini tramp', but she was dressed up this time in high boots and a miniskirt. "Can you believe that the skeezy girl at the party is here? Here I thought Blondie was a threat."

Manny was afraid of this. She just knew

The other girl ventured off into the bathroom but can be heard mocking Manny, mimicking a quote from a movie right on cue said to her friend from inside the stall, "She was a ho, fo' sho."

The gaggle of girls giggled and the silent girl on the end shot her a dirty look and saw they were getting to her and she reveled in it remarking, "If I were her I wouldn't show my face around town ever again. She has a lot of balls showing up here."

Manny wanted to stick up for herself but she knew it would be four against one she just stayed quiet and let the girls talk amongst themselves. She opened up her mouth but the words simply weren't coming out.

She barely acknowledged them and didn't want to give them the satisfaction and when she was done she left the bathroom and made up an excuse to leave. She was already humiliated at school and she wasn't about to go through any more abuse at a venue that wasn't her scene anyway. And as accomodating as the band was to her, they weren't her friends. Manny put her hand on her head and told the band, "Bad news guys I think I'm coming down with something, I feel pretty sick."

Marco knew she was bluffing, there was more to the story and so did Craig who was pretty crushed, "I have to go. I feel like a killer migraine coming on."

Manny wasn't even in the mood to go back to Emma's to be faced with Emma and Jay most likely sucking face. She just wanted to go back to Emma's and take a cold shower and get out of these clothes and into her jammies. "Why don't we get some air, I have time before the set and better yet I know Joey keeps Advil in the console," Craig told Manny kindly. The musician walked Manny to Joey's convertible and they sat in the front seats.

"For an actress, I hate to say it but that wasn't your best performance." Manny was humored and somewhat insulted at the comment but then he added with concern, Did something happen?"

"I got kind of hassled by three girls in the bathroom, they were so mean. Shooting me indirect insults. I wanted to just tell them to just shut up. Do you ever feel like everyone is laughing at you and you can't get them to shut up?"

"I'm sorry, Manny and to answer your question not that I know of? I know I've made an ass out of myself more often than I would like to admit if it makes you feel better."

"It's not your fault, you don't need to apologize."

"Neither was what happened to you, do you know who took and posted those pictures?" Manny shook her head and didn't say a word but felt the humiliation of being violated and exposed all over again, Craig read her energy and scoffed, "I'll kick their ass I mean it." Manny looked up at Craig was serious and then he sighed, "I want to apologize to you you didn't deserve what I said to you or how I treated you in the past."

Manny looked over at him and smiled softly hiding her tears. It was as if she was brought back to the year where everyone in school thought she was a slut for being with Craig while he was with Ashley. Fast forward to now look at them being friendly with one another. Craig even formally apologized for him calling her quote a big mistake endquote in the hall. She quietly admitted, "I wish I could put it all behind me."

"You will, it just takes time. You'll see."

"What if it never blows over? What if it ruins my life forever?" Manny was being dramatic but she sighed, "What if my gravestone will say Manny Santos 1989 and whatever year I die SLUT. Is that my legacy? I guess so."

"Not at all, Manny. If the group I go to has taught me anything the negative what-ifs will eat you alive." Craig told her honestly, "if you want you can come to check it out. You don't have to talk about anything the first meeting I know I just listened for a few sessions."

"But I'm not sure if I would qualify or if what happened to me would be too frivolous of a reason."

"Okay put it to you this way, if it's valid to you it's valid to everyone at the group. We're in together and whatever it takes we'll make it through. You don't always have to have something wrong like mental illness or a new diagnosis to go to the group. People go there for support first and in the support, they are better able to cope with anything in their way. It saved my life."

"Maybe I'll check it out, when and where do you meet?"

"Monday's after school at the rec center. I can give you a lift."

Manny and Craig paused in the empty lot hating the weird uncomfortable silence on her end she asked him, "I don't get it why are you being so nice to me?"

"You deserved better and I treated you not the best in the past. I just miss seeing you smile, I hate seeing you down in the dumps and feeling unworthy of good things, you deserve the world, Manny." She looked up at him, surprised he'd say something like that. He continued, "I believe in you. I know Emma does too."

Manny's lips formed a genuine smile. And just like that, the brief moment was interrupted. Marco opened up the back door and called out to Craig in the distance, "We got a five-minute warning! C'mon back! We're going on next." Marco shut the door and quickly retreated inside shutting the door behind him.

They both exited the car and stood outside the car. Craig gave her two advils and he had a water bottle in his car. It was hot but wasn't complaining.

"I have to go," Craig reached over and softly kissed her on the cheek in a friendly platonic sort of way, "I'm glad you came even if you got to go. I understand. I will see you around okay? I'm here for you if you need to talk or whatever just shoot me a message on aim."

Craig walked back to the building and Manny touched her cheek and lingered by the car for a few more moments. She put her hand down and she realized that maybe things will be different, a good different. Craig looked back at her and then he retreated into the building. Then, Manny walked home. She knew Craig wanted to have her and the band was sort of counting on her but she had enough of the place.

She walked home. On her way, there was an alleyway and inside she ran into a skeezy guy on the way to the show, he likely had pregamed and he smelt of liquor drunkenly he said, "Which way to the show?"

Manny uncomfortably acknowledged him and pointed backward thinking she was being helpful and friendly but polite and unassuming, "Behind me. I'm just leaving."

She broke eye contact and instantly he blocked her from leaving. "Hey, don't you go to Degrassi?" Manny didn't want to talk and advanced.

"Excuse me."

He paced around surveyed her as he walked around her she tensed up and got uncomfortable, "I'll tell you what you looked so hot at Prep Boys party, I'll let you pass if you let me see something."

"No way, you've seen the pictures, now if you'll excuse me I got to get home."

"No way," He crossed his arms. He snickered and grabbed her by the shirt covered her mouth and told her, "I just want a quick look-see and no one gets hurt. You hear me?"

She was scared at that moment, she knew she had to think past she nodded her head yes and tried to wiggle from his strong grip. She screamed through his fingers and bit down on his middle one and she screamed, "Stay away from me!"

She ran away she managed to see by a wall to catch her breath and she had managed to lose him. She took off her flip flops, gripped them, them so she could run faster and ran all the way home barefoot afraid to look behind her.

Manny arrived at Emma's scrambling for her keys in her shaking hands in her pocket, finally, she found them, let her self in and then caught her breath in the vestibule by the doorway.

Emma called from the basement as she heard the door shut, "Manny is that you?"

She couldn't answer at least not immediately as she avoided the basement knowing full well Emma and Jay were probably in the middle of something.

Emma got off of Jay who she was making out on her bed and threw Jay his clothes, "Just give me a few minutes." Emma threw back on her dress which was on the floor.

Emma saw Manny pacing, she looked visibly shaken up, "Manny, home early? Are you okay?"

"Emma oh my god, you were right I should've stayed home tonight."

"What happened?"

Manny swallowed hard just saying, "It was horrible."

"This guy almost hurt me but I got away," Manny flung her arms around her friend and just was hysterical crying, "He was aggressive so I ran off hoping he didn't follow me. I didn't look back to see."

Emma briefly broke away from the hug and checked out front in the big bay window, "Nope you're fine and you're safe here. Emma closed the shades for privacy. "I'm glad you're home." She passed Manny the box of tissues on the little table on the right side of the front door, "Here girl, we don't have to drink if you don't want to.

"The beer was nasty I'll take just about anything to take the edge off."

Emma changed the subject back to the subject, "What did he look like? Did he go to our school?"

Manny nodded, "I think I saw him around before. I didn't know him but he was also at Peter's party. He mentioned it when he wanted me to flash him."

"Oh my word, Manny." Emma sighed compassionately, "well how was the show? I hope you had a little fun."

"Eh, I don't want to talk about it."

"Craig and his friends were nice right?"

She nodded, "They were but the girls in the bathroom not so much. Tankini tramp was there being indirectly extra cruel. Emma, what am I gonna do? I never want to show my face around town ever again. Maybe I can get homeschooled."

"Nonsense Manny, we will get through this and whatever this is will blow over and I'm sure you'll reputation will recover."

"In what universe? I can't bounce back from this unless everyone collectively contracts sudden cases of amnesia."

"Unlikely. Maybe you can join clubs at school like say possibly drama club?"

"Who would cast a topless bimbo in their high school play? It'd be a complete conflict of interest. Raditch would never allow it."

"This kind of shit happens to people. What about Paris Hilton? Look at her she's thriving. People cast Pamela Anderson after her sex tape and she's doing good. Vanessa Williams may have got her title taken away but she has a promising career after her photos surfaced."

"Em I appreciate what you're saying but they're all celebrities and besides I'm not a knockout babe like them. I'm an amateur." Manny groaned, "now I got to aim lower and lower my standards and become a possible porn star. Even if I become successful they can resurface at any time."

Emma didn't know what to say but she did say, "I wish you'd stop beating yourself up, I know I'm one to talk. I know what it's like okay not exactly what it's like but what it's like to have everyone staring at you, okay? You can still be an actress."

"Em, it's very different. It's not like anyone has seen your tatas. Changing the subject she sighed, "Can I just say you're worrying me lately and not just about Jay. I want you to be around for years to come and earlier today you scared me. Last year you almost died I can't imagine going through all of this alone you're so much stronger than me. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, a silver lining in your life just not in mine. Thanks for being there for me. I know I don't say it enough."

Emma was hurt and yet oddly touched by what Manny stated, "I'll admit it was probably the hardest time but I made it, dealt with it in my way. You Manny, you will too. You'll do even more than simply deal and you'll survive."

Meanwhile, Jay waited around in Emma's room, he was dressed by now. He made himself a drink and paced around and admired some of the things in Emma's room. He noticed she had a little shoebox with a date written on it it was dusty and he didn't want to risk Emma walking down it read 3-6-2002 on it. He wondered what that date meant and he saw to the left of it an old photograph of Emma and Sean and some other photos with her and Manny and her and her mother when she was a toddler. A tinge of jealousy hit him like a ton of bricks when he brought his attention back to Sean's picture.

Seconds later Jay retreated to sitting on the bed reading Manny's Cosmopolitan magazine which he thought was Emma's. He read through the funnies and the sex tips and chuckled to himself.

Moments later, Emma and Manny came down and he looked up from the magazine, "Hi Manny," he greeted her calmly.

Manny walked over to him and took the magazine and put it on the bookshelf on top of the box, "Jay, I didn't take you for a cosmo reader,"

"Hey! I was reading that It's for research."

Emma and Manny exchanged looks and Emma joined Jay on the bed noticing that Jay had a full glass of something, "What are you drinking, babe?"

Manny sat on the butterfly chair over by the shelf across from the couple, "So what did you bring to drink?"

"Just a random concoction of my design. I think I put rum, a little vodka, mixed with some Hawaiian Punch."

Jay pulled out a cooler with random bottles of liquor and Emma told her, "Crap, the cups are upstairs."

Jay reached down by the cooler and gave Manny a cup, "Nope I brought 'em down. Help yourself."

Manny made a drink like Jay's but much less strong to take the edge off. She didn't want to confide in Jay about much of anything that happened that night and kept the conversation light.

They decided to play a game on Emma's shelf. Jay noticed she reached under the box he'd been thinking about and got LIFE as they crowded around sitting Emma's card table. They didn't get so far in the game and heard the doorbell ring, "Must be the pizza guy." Jay told Emma, "want me to go get it?"

Emma shook her head, "No, I got it. He sure got here fast. You two just hang out."

Jay gave her some money from his wallet, "Here's some cash for my share."

Emma took Jay's cash and was surprised to see Sean instead of the pizza guy. Emma was confused and somewhat annoyed, "Sean, what are you doing here?"


	21. Chapter 21 Jealousy

Chapter 21  
Jealousy

"Emma, before you slam the door in my face, can I apologize for how I acted earlier?"

"I think you just did," Emma told Sean, vindictively attempting to shut it anyway.

Deep down she didn't want to but it hurt too much to interact with him, be his friend or otherwise.

She once wished so hard he'd come walking back into her life and now that he's back she wishes things would go right back away. Emma still had feelings and everything just seemed so muddled she wanted to keep him away at an arm's length but he's her weakness, her Achilles heel. Even though she's with Jay, she still cares deeply for Sean. Nothing can replace him in her eyes, he was in a class all his own.

"Wait," Sean pleaded with her and Emma held the door open a little longer against her better judgment when he begged like that, "Please hear me out. Emma, I haven't asked you for anything in a long time and I'm asking you to hear me out."

Emma noticed he made a good point, Sean never asked for anything and he saved her life that had to count for something. She inaudibly sighed and slipped on her shoes and walked outside to join him. She led him to the little porch swing, "I'm listening." she impatiently told him with a closed body posture and her arms crossed, keeping her warm, "You've got five minutes."

It was cold and she had forgotten her sweater in the house not expecting to come outside while dressed still in Manny's skimpy shift dress. She didn't dare mention Jay being downstairs. Sean wanted to be careful, he knew things were fading fast. He knew she was moving on or had moved on with Jay of all people. As much as he didn't want to admit he was wrong, he knew he was likely too late; he couldn't stand idly by and let the windows close in on what they had.

"Five minutes? Okay," Sean paced himself and looked up and said, "I just don't know how to put how I feel into words."

Emma grimaced sadly and asked him, in this worn and broken down sounding voice, "For god's sake, could you try?"

Sean carefully sat down on the porch swing beside her silently. She quickly scooted over so she wasn't too close to him, "Do you remember when I stayed behind in Wasaga?

She quietly told him, "Of course I remember, Sean."

"You looked back at me out the back seat window, like you didn't want me to go like you watched until you couldn't see me anymore and I figured that meant something."

"I didn't know if I'd ever get a chance to see you again and in the chance I would I was making a memory, as corny as it sounds. You're right though, it did mean something. That was then though, a lot has changed since you left."

"Even though I was largely not around you for over a year. It meant something to me for some reason, it really did. Every day this summer and even after I left, Em I thought of you.

"What sorts of things did you think about regarding me?"

"I wondered what you were doing? How were you coping? Were you taking care of yourself? It took everything in me to send you those messages on aim because I didn't know if you were going through it too. "

Emma felt the same way, but she was with Jay and he up until recently Ellie, "I couldn't talk to her, Ellie knowing all that. As far as I'm concerned she didn't understand me as well as you did."

He was much calmer this evening and much softer and careful with his words, "Elaborate on that making a memory thing?"

"You were taking an exit from my life I mourned you as if you were gone as I sat in that seat."

She looked at it like he was being lowered into the ground as melodramatic as it sounded. Emma had never been to a funeral but she'd seen plenty on television mainly the one that got her was Twin Peaks re-runs with Snake and Spike. She remembered Laura being lowered underground and her father sobbed and ended up attempting to go down with her clinging all the while to casket.

Now, Emma's version of events wasn't nearly as dramatic as that because it took days before she cried about it. It didn't hit her until later he was gone for good but in any case, she wanted to remember him and his memory. She just didn't realize how hard it was going to be. She didn't consider the possibility of him coming back around.

"It didn't hit me until later how much I hated that you were gone. I went through it in stages, like grief. The more I thought about that day the more difficult it was for me to rehash. I wanted to forget about you. I almost resented you because of the feeling that way made me want to almost not be on the planet anymore. Between the nightmares and your absence, it was hard because nobody understands except for you.

Emma realized she talked the most she had ever spoken to Sean in the entirety of their complicated relationship, "Anyway, I was making a memory, I wanted to remember you. For instance, you know your eyes, the sad expression on your face, and even what you were wearing that day. I didn't want you to go and I'll admit it to only you that I needed you around. I knew we could never go back to whatever we used to be, it's an unrealistic expectation. So when it's years from today when we're grown and old I'd remember who my first love was and how you looked when you left."

Emma was starting to get emotional and looked upward to prevent herself from breaking down entirely. She didn't want to get so raw and real with Sean. As she paused to gather and compose herself, she told him, "I have another confession, I hate knowing I've disappointed you," as she spoke she didn't look at him but he could tell it pained her more than it let on, "I thought you were going to be gone forever and I knew eventually I'd have to move on." She hardened up as she looked to her left at Sean, "It wasn't easy but I had to. I'm not who I used to be. I've changed."

"Emma," He was sort of crushed by her words, he softly told her making it hard for her to resist the distance, "I went off on the handle when I saw you with Jay, when I heard you talking to him from inside the van and how you managed to cool your heart. I know it's not simple and all but I'm so sorry for the pain I have caused you. I know you had more going on than just me and I know you really have feelings for Jay but I hope he takes care of you. I just know one big thing, for what it's worth even when we were apart you were always on my mind in some capacity. I watched you all leave because even I thought it was goodbye and I wanted to remember too."

Emma silently sat there taking everything in and processing his words and her own, Sean looked over at Emma and she at him. She offered him a soft sad grimace as Sean told her, "I'm still really sorry about earlier."

"Sean, what happened here?" Emma changed the subject as noticed in the moonlight his knuckles were busted and bruised. He had a bandaid on the cut but since it was his dominant hand it was pretty loose and sort of pointless, she grabbed his hand and tightened the bandaid for him, "I know you were looking out for me. I just don't need you to worry. I will always care for you even if I don't always show it."

Sean told her, "I'm just concerned about you I want to be there for you, even if we're only friends. I know though, my hand doesn't really hurt that much right now, I need to work on my temper. It could've been a lot worse but you know how I am. Can I ask you something?"

"Yes."

"Why are you even with him?" Sean felt like he was being punished for leaving everything behind and how Emma was being unreasonable but her reasons go beyond a simple explanation and Sean hated that but he was a glutton for punishment.

"It's a complicated thing that I didn't plan for to happen, it started out as kind of casual. I never had something so ambiguous and undefined but it's alluring and it used to be uncomplicated. Somehow things took on a life of their own, don't take offense to this but to answer your question Sean, it's quite frankly none of your business. I just can't care that much anymore. Invested in you, whatever it hurts too much."

Sean furrowed his brow and clearly was upset with her, "You don't want to be friends with me? Please just be reasonable."

"Five minutes, so much for that," Emma looked down at her watch and told him, "this is why I was better off shutting the door."

She got up off of the thing and walked toward the front door once again. Sean stammered, "Please I have somethings to say, you're not being fair."

Emma whipped her head and body around to face him around with a scoff she questioned, "What's fair? Life sure as hell isn't. You of all people would know. You can't always get what you want."

"Why you want to hurt me? I'm trying to be here for you."

"I wanted you right here in town with me, so we can deal with whatever happened that day in the hallway, but now? I don't want you to be there for me, I just got done saying it hurts too much!"

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" He grasped her shoulder as she didn't face him still crossing her arms, "Emma listen to me, he's only going to bring you down."

"I'll be the judge of that but right now, you gotta go." Emma gave him a few parting words as she turned around and pointed in the direction of the street. She told him, "I can't talk to you right now, this was a bad idea."

Sean grumbled and left the porch leaving Emma to wait for the pizza guy. Finally, the guy came and she paid but Jay had caught the tail end of Sean and Emma's conversation. He got curious and hungry and figured Emma was taking to long and found himself looking out the window. Emma opened the door, and jumped wide-eyed, "You scared me. Where's Manny?"

"She's clearing off the table so we can all eat, so is there any reason why Cameron was here?"

"He invited himself I told him to leave, everything is fine."

"Why do you look like you're about to cry then?"

Emma sighed, "I had another nightmare today. He wanted to apologize to me but it doesn't matter because I sent him away he triggered me." Emma wasn't entirely being truthful as she smoothed things over attempting to calm Jay down walked to the kitchen and grabbed three plates from the cupboard, "Okay, I'm starving let's eat. Could you give me a hand with the basement door?"

Jay muttered, "Sure I guess," He helped grab the plates from Emma as she got the box, "but before we go downstairs can I ask something? What does 3-6-02 mean?"


	22. Chapter 22  Seize the Moment

Content warning: This chapter will get a little hot and heavy/NSFW so I just wanted to let my readers know to tread lightly if that isn't your cuppa but enjoy. It's mid-chapter, so if you wanna skip that part you can.

Chapter 22

Seize the Moment

Emma furrows her brow as he asked. How could he ask her that at this moment? She pauses and calmly states, "I don't want to talk about it, can we drop it?"

"Why not? Emma just could you answer the question."

Emma tried to laugh him off, but he was all sorts of persistent. She didn't want to argue or make waves fighting back playfully, "Uh, I don't know because it's stupid and I'm hungry reason enough?"

Jay got serious for a moment and asked her, "If it's stupid then why is it on a box on your shelf?"

"We are not having this conversation right now."

Not backing down he stated again, "Just answer the question."

"It's just my parents' wedding anniversary alright?" Emma managed to blurt out to Jay a half-truth. She was happy that he accepted that as the answer. She never planned on opening the baby blue and green box however in front of him, that is too sacred.

After she told him, she led him downstairs through the basement door and even though her answer was only a half-truth and she wasn't being entirely truthful. Jay was off her back about the mysterious date scrawled on the box in her bedroom. She was somewhat irritated but didn't let it show. Of all nights to argue she didn't want to go down that road with him. Jay smirked and laughed, "That all, was that so hard to tell me that?"

Jay had no idea. "I could ask you why you were snooping?"

"It's clear as day, it's not exactly snooping."

Manny didn't hear them banter back and forth and was obviously feeling a buzz coming on as she waved to them when they made it down to her level. She had a deck of cards in her hand, "Jay you know any drinking games that involve playing cards?"

"As a matter of fact I do, we're going to play KINGS."

"What's that?" Emma asked, never having played yet.

"It varies but each card has a meaning."

"Such as?"

"2 is for you. 3 for me. 4 is touching the floor. 5 I drink because I'm one of the guys. 6 is you two drink because you're the chicks. 7 is pretty much if 4 is touching the floor, 7 you touch the sky or point toward the sky. 8 you make a date pick someone to drink with. 9 is rhyme time which is basically you rhyme what I say if you fuck up you drink no repeats either, 10 categories self-explanatory or just everyone drinks. Queen cards are questions you ask questions and answer in questions if you answer the question without posing a question you drink. J never have I ever put three fingers up and the first person to lose all their fingers up loses and must drink, then there's Ace waterfall which is when I stop drinking you stop drinking and so on. Lastly, the KING cards are you make a rule for everyone to follow sometimes it lasts a turn and sometimes it lasts for the entire game. Rules can stack and overlap or they could just be for the turn. Anyway if you break a rule, mess up, are the last to do something you must drink."

"Sounds fun." Emma told Jay, "let's play."

….

After they ate and played, Manny started to get tired so she decided to bring her blankets upstairs on the living room couch to give Jay and Emma some privacy. On her way up she shut out the lights leaving only dim candlelight from earlier when it was just Emma and Jay.

Emma walks over to the bedside table and blows out the candle and to the bed wordlessly hinting she wants her to join her there. Jay without missing a beat sits beside her. He cups his hands around her cheeks and kisses her passionately. They fall back onto the bed and go deep-sea diving into a sea of bright blue blankets. She manages to wiggle her way to the middle of her bed her pillow was then under her head while being enveloped still in Jay's arms. He pulls away for a moment beams down at her whispering, "I had a lot of fun here tonight with you."

"Me too," Emma beamed reaching upward for him by his shoulders pulling him close into another kiss. It was long and passionate. She slowly pulled away and teased, "Perhaps now we could have a little more fun."

"Sounds like a plan. I was hoping you'd say that" Jay told her seductively as he leaned down and kissed her neck softly and trailed kisses to her lips after a few moments causing her to want him even closer.

She loosely wrapped her legs around him and sort of ground her hips against him as they continued making out on her bed. He quickly sat up as he tore off his shirt after some time as things got seriously heated. He touched every part of her and awoke her most devious desires. He noticed she still was wearing Manny's dress, he carefully lifted it so that he had better access to her body and he placed his hands on her hips and removed her black lace booty shorts she wore under the dress. He nibbled her bottom lip in a kiss and a hushed moan escaped her lips, she caught herself and whispered quietly, "Oh my goodness do that again."

Jay loved testing his boundaries but was hoping not to cross any lines or step on any but Emma was almost testing almost urging him to throw caution to the wind and change his mind. "Oh what? This?" He whispered before obliged as she tried her best to be quiet and careful not to wake Manny upstairs.

"Yes," She whispered breathing heavily.

"Is that all you want me to do?" She shook her head no, he knew damn well what she wanted he just wanted her to say it or rather show it.

Emma leaned upward and looked up at him shaking her head, "Please don't stop, I just want more of this more of everything with you."

"Well, alright then," She slowly reached her hands to his belt and undid it and removed his pants revealing his boxers and then he helped guide her hands with his. For the first time was making the conscious decision to make this move. Before they would simply lead-in and it would just happen in the heat of the moment after getting too carried away with their urges.

She looked up at him once more and told him, "You're always taking care of me, why don't I take care of you? Switch with me?"

Jay kissed her forehead and adjusted himself to where she had been lying and she fumbled herself around and straddled her legs around his lower body. She reached from underneath as he guided her by the hips where he wanted her to go. He watched her move and he held her close as she rode him on the bed. Emma kept moving her hair out of her face so she could see him, while he normally looks at their body he didn't do that with Emma. He kept his eyes on only her in the dark lit room. He was somewhat nervous and careful unlike his past hookups he let her take the lead and he never does that but he liked that she took initiative. Between breaths, she asked, "How is that?" She questioned him quietly asked not entirely sure of herself but wanting to make sure she was doing this right. He was enamored with her, he didn't want to say what he was really feeling but he was only holding back because of the timing, but one thing was for certain this wasn't lustful it was intense and romantic for him. Emma was beginning to trust him and he was beginning to trust her.

"If it feels good to you, it definitely feels good to me," She beamed as he pulled her closer so he could kiss her again, "c'mere I wasn't lying when I said I could kiss you all night." Emma kissed him hard as they continued what they were doing with each movement she was feeling closer and closer to him. He loved her and some of the quiet sounds she made. He again trailed kisses to her neck carefully caressing her with his lips.

Jay felt her legs sort of twitch a bit around his thighs, and a few moments later she had hit her climax and was starting to feel weak and tired from all the movement. She made eye contact with him as he softly and carefully switched to him on top of her and then she managed to fully feel all the effects of the afterglow. She simply just felt complete and total surrender and calm wash over her. She needed time to recover, Jay pulled her into his arms and she cuddled him.

Their first time he wasn't concentrating on her too much it was more or less driven by hormones and primal urges because he had felt rejected and lusted for her but this time he was one-hundred percent wholeheartedly into her and focused on her. He wanted to do things right. He wanted her to feel good. He wanted her to experiment, take the lead a bit and more and she did and then some.

…..

"So tell me about your parent's wedding," Sometime later they were lying close to one another, Emma was resting her head on his chest catching her breath as he ran his fingers through her long locks. She thought back for a moment and was silent, something about what happened between her and Jay and how it felt so right. She had never felt more close to him and she didn't want those feelings to go away. She was content, and even though they had never minted anything in stone she had a feeling he felt the same way as she did for him, he asked her quietly and softly nudging her, "You asleep?"

"No still awake, just tired," She turned her head to face him and sat up she yawned a bit. She was wearing nothing but his tank which was much too big on her and loose like a dress, "I wasn't entirely honest, it's sort of a long story." She brushed her hair out of her face with the arm the bracelet Jay gave her on and prepared herself for honesty, "It's sort of a double anniversary."

Jay raised his eyebrow, "A double wedding?"

"Not at all, silly. It's just Sean and I started going out at the wedding. He literally asked me to be his girlfriend after we danced and shared my first kiss. Back then, he seemed so close to me but now he's so far away I mean like it just doesn't have the same old feelings when I think about it now. If you'd ask me like last year or a year ago it'd be another story."

"That's nostalgia for you, nostalgia's a bitch."

"Yeah, it can be. I guess now I'm seeing things differently now."

"Meaning?"

"I thought I was in love back then. I didn't think there'd be anyone after, end all be all and imagine my disappointment when he and I split up the way we did."

Jay told her, "I used to love getting involved with people's lives and screwing them up for the fun of it for no apparent reason because I guess I was unhappy. Anyway, I'm sorry for my part in it. Looking back on some of the shitty crap I've done I realized how alone and upset I really was."

"Water under the bridge, Jay. I'm just now thinking, I wouldn't ever have it any other way." She saw the wheels turning in his head as if he got this crazy idea and she asked, "What's on your mind?"

He continued thinking and then he blurted out, "I was thinking Em, we haven't really talked about it though. I think we're on the same page but how about we make September 16th, 2005 or rather 9-16-05 just as special."

"What's September 16th, 2005?", Emma thought for a moment and tried to grasp what he meant, and then she understood he was being crystal clear transparent as he could get and she gasped wide-eyed before excitedly asking with her hands over her mouth, "Oh crap it's today. You want to go official?"

Jay affirmed, "That's right, it's time. I mean I like you and at least I think you like me. What do you say?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

….

It was early Sunday morning and the birds were chirping the sun was out. Jay was quietly climbing out the basement window so she and Manny wouldn't get in trouble if the parents returned early. He didn't want to wake her he even cleaned up a bit, but just before he left he jotted her a quick note.

While sleeping next to Jay, Emma didn't have any nightmares. Jay stayed up reading the book Emma let him borrow because he wasn't very comfortable in Emma's twin bed. She was curled up next to him in dreamland once they went to sleep. After about an hour she noticed there was a note in her handwritten by Jay. She sat up and read it. It was cute and thoughtful.

Emma,

I had to run home I hope you're not upset with me, bc I didn't tell you goodbye.

Your bed officially sucks for sleeping haha but you looked so cute I didn't wanna wake you. Writing to tell you last night was awesome, I had an amazing time with you.

Looking forward to many more nights like that.

Talk later?

J

Emma knew Jay disliked when she'd think things like that, but if anyone would've told her that Jay Hogart would be writing her a love letter she'd look at them like they were crazy.

Her head was pounding and her stomach was in pain but the letter was a silver lining. She slowly sat up and felt the need to hurl, she quickly ran to the bathroom and threw up. Fortunately for her, she made it and didn't miss the toilet. She brushed her teeth and hair and gargled some mouthwash. She didn't drink as much as Manny but she was pretty tipsy so it didn't come as a shock to her that she got sick. It'd never happened to her before.

Manny slowly came down the stairs prepared to help clean up the mess they made last night but saw that Jay had taken the trash out. She had a major hangover too. Emma wiped her mouth with a tissue and took some notice of Jay's effort to clean up this morning, "I take it he went home, but from the looks of it he already cleaned up. I guess he's not so bad."

"I'm glad you don't hate him so much anymore." Emma beamed as she walked back to her bed, "I feel like shit. This weekend seemed to fly."

Manny sat beside her, "Me too. Alcohol is not my friend I really don't want to go to school tomorrow."

"Neither do I."

Manny could sense that Emma was happy for some reason, "So what happened after I went to bed?"

"What do you think?"

Manny gasped with a wide-open surprised expression on her face, "Shut up."

"And we're officially official."

"So how was it?"

Emma couldn't wait to gush, "Amazing, we tried something new and ugh it felt really good and it just gets better and better."

"I must say it's been ages since well, you know. I hate you." Manny remarked jokingly, "I am so jealous you got some."

"Well, maybe this year you'll meet someone special."

"Unlikely."

"Well, what about Craig? He invited to his show that's got to count for something. Maybe he's interested in you."

"No, he was just being nice to me because he feels kind of sorry for me. However, I might check out this group therapy thing at the rec center after school tomorrow. He said he'd pick me up."

Emma shook her head, "Look at that, I doubt he's only feeling sorry for you. How do you even know for sure? I don't think so, Manny honestly what do you have to lose?"

She quickly changed the subject, "Well I don't know about you but I need to get a shower." Manny then exited the bedroom and went to the bathroom to shower while Emma logged into her Myroom profile, and then she changed her relationship status to In a relationship with Jay Hogart.


	23. Chapter 23 Like a Tattoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/Notes: This chapter is based lyrically on a song by Jordin Sparks called Tattoo for stupid reasons, well lyrical story reasons but simply put it just fits here. It's highly filler chapter-wise and sorta 'dramatique' if you ask me but I needed to say I obviously don't own the song. Just keep it in mind the final chorus.
> 
> Then I made an entire playlist/mix of songs for this fic. Search TOGETHER FOREVER by thec0smogirl on Spotify. (: It's a mixture of sorts of the 80s, 90s and early to mid-2000s, covers and more lyrically fitting for the story.
> 
> Thanks for reading, send me reviews if you like this story. I will be forever grateful.

Chapter 23

Like a Tattoo

I can't waste time so give it a moment, I realize nothings broken

Snake had unrealistic expectations of Emma, parenting in general. He'd forgotten what it's like to be a teen through being a teacher. He didn't have children of his own until last year and he was learning that it wasn't the cakewalk he though it was.

When he returned home he knew that there was something up but he couldn't put his finger on it. Emma was good at hiding things from them. She had changed. She's more cynical, silent and sullen however this morning its as if she's keeping up the appearance she's fine. He wishes he could help but he doesn't want to upset their difficult balance in their dynamic. Spike and Snake both aren't sure how to help her and they can't afford to get her the help she needs. Snake knows she skipped. Manny clued Snake in about Jay and he's disappointed in her. Spike is emotional because they used to be so close and now Emma is distant from her. Spike never thought Emma would be so rebellious. The family had a normal breakfast together as a family and there were no arguments and assumptions but inside their heads thoughts bounced around about each person. Snake and Spike were now responsible financially and otherwise for Manny and Emma and while they struggle they are thankful that things are good. Snake went to work and drove Emma and Manny in silence, finally, Snake spoke and said, "Your mom wants you to invite Jayson Hogart to dinner."

Emma looked out the window and with a quiet voice confessed, "He honestly doesn't do that sort of thing."

"If he wants to see you, we need to be on the same page. I mean it, Emma. No skipping or sneaking out until then. We're not as dumb as you may think."

Emma cynically remarked less than enthused rolling her eyes unseen knowing well that he wasn't a fan of him, "Ay ay captain."

Careful not to make waves Snake ignored her sass back and made no further comment. They parked his red car and walked into school and went their separate ways. Manny silently went to her locker to grab her books and Snake to the classroom to prepare for the next class They both said bye to Emma and disappeared down the hall.

No need to worry about everything I've done,

live every second like it was my last one

At the school lobby by the doors of the office, Emma discovers Peter is Hatzilakos, son when she runs into him.

Emma strode down the hallway and through the windows of the front office she saw Peter talking to Principal Hatzilaocs. He seemed like he knew her well. She gives him a short maternal hug after and sees him dressed in a Stone Prepatory uniform as Peter departs. He slides on his black Ray-ban wayfarer sunglasses and walks by presumably on his way to school before Emma says to him, "Peter?"

He stops short of walking by her and removes his sunglasses and smirks looking her up and down flirtatiously, "Emma, wow, how are you? Might I say you're looking pretty today."

Emma didn't say anything but recoiled and almost pretended she didn't hear Peter's comment on her looks. She didn't believe him to be genuine as she held her messenger bag by the strap, "So how do you know our principal?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

And then the wheels turned, taken back by his secrecy. He had someone on the inside. She despite her reservations walks closer, "Looked pretty chummy."

"My mom if you must know."

Emma raised her brow, "And here I thought you were transferring."

"Nah, you wish. Look good seeing you but I gotta get out of here but. We should kick it sometime."

"Hard pass," Emma told him rather honestly.

"Suit yourself," Peter muttered putting back on his glasses and attempting to walk off toward the front doors of the school.

"I will because at least I'm not a rapist."

People took notice. Peter turned around and looked angry. He breathed in and out before responding, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"Lower your voice, sweetheart. You have no basis, first off. Second, I bought you and that friend of yours some drinks at the pool it's not a crime you know. I did something nice."

"I know what you did. You're a slimy, chauvinistic, misogynistic pig. I wouldn't date you if you were the last man alive."

He rolled his eyes and scoffed dismissing her remarks infuriating her more, "No need to name call, you kiss all the boys with that mouth? You can't blindly accuse people of things."Peter cruelly snickered shaking his head, "I'd love to sit and chat but I'm gonna be late for school."

"Alright, alright nothing to see hear everyone get to class." The hallway cleared and they followed her directions and then she added, "Emma Nelson, get in my office!" Hazilacos called with her hands on her hips. He looked over at his mom and back at Emma before pushing out the doors.

Once inside the tone changed. Emma was quiet and waiting to hear something. "I see you've met my son." Daphne softly and awkwardly smiled as she slapped Emma's file on her desk from the filing cabinet. She opened up the manila folder and saw some of Emma's previous office visits from her student record.

"I know you're passionate about crusading and I admire you for your strong convictions about your passions. I know you have reason to think my son was involved but I must say as his parent his dad keeps a watchful eye on him. He's a good kid if you get a chance to really get to know him."

Emma didn't say anything fuming by her assessment, detecting bullshit.

"So let's see, so in 2002 the year before last, it says you accused Sheila -"

She was quick to cut her off, "I know what I did. I'm proud of what I did and I'd do it again."

Hazilacos finished her thought, "You ended up indirectly causing a food fight in the cafeteria and you were suspended after refusing to apologize. Other than that, your academic record has been pretty spotless. I'm bringing this up because what you said was a serious accusation regardless of if he's my son or not."

"My gut tells me he's responsible for the photos. I regret nothing and see nothing wrong with what I said."

"I understand. Well, your gut isn't admissible evidence in court, I take it he isn't your favorite person but you can't be pointing fingers without proof and I'm aware this is now a police matter because if it even happened, it's out of my hands because it's off school grounds.

Emma tried to charm her with her feminist views to help her see, "Listen with all due respect, you're woman Ms. Hatzilacos."

"Of course," she said flatly, "What is your point you're getting at?"

"You of all people should be sympathetic to this sensitive topic. Let me paint this picture for you, your son threw a party. He had a lot of alcohol. Other students were there. Lots of people were there. At this party, I have reason to believe Peter and others took advantage of my friend. I went to the hospital with her, I know a lot more than you think I do. It's not complicated. There are witnesses I'm sure."

"Do you have any concrete proof to back your claims?" Daphne questioned sticking to her guns, "were you even there? Who can corroborate your story?"

Emma let out a silent confession, "I left early," she told her stiffening up, "She showed up sometime later after I left."

"Why are we even having this conversation if you weren't even a direct witness? I have no choice but to let you go to your classes with a warning, the conversation is over. I'll write you a late slip to go back to class. I'm lenient, more lenient say than Mr. Raditch, but with that being said, until then if I hear you making judgments and accusations without proof or causing an unnecessary ruckus I will have to take matters more seriously and take disciplinary measures toward you for it." She calmly stated as Emma shot daggers at her with her eyes, "am I being clear?"

"Crystal."

"I leave you with, last year was a difficult year for you, you witnessed something horrible I take that into account. the next time you point fingers at my son you need to have concrete evidence to back it up." She scrawled a note and passed it to Emma, "Have a great year and hopefully I don't have to see you again about this matter. I hope you understand me. Learn from this."

"I do." Emma somewhat passive-aggressively took the note from her impatiently asking " am I free to go?"

"Yes, you may go to class and Emma? I have one more thing."

Emma turned around to listen to her parting words, "Maybe you should consider talking to Ms. Sauve. She can help you, I know you didn't take advantage of her help last year after the incident with Rick Murray. It could be good for you."

Emma hid her anger and remained tight-lipped to avoid more trouble, "I appreciate your concern but I gotta go."

Don't look back found a new direction,

I loved you once, needed protection.

"She told me to leave when I apologized to her after." Sean started to say toying with the sleeve of his hoodie.

"How did you feel?"

"Angry and rejected and frustrated and hurt. Lots of shit, I mean stuff," He muttered, "Of all people she chooses him. He won't treat her well. She deserves the world and - it's not fair."

She wrote down down some things and asked him kindly, "Sean, is it because you feel that you are the better option for her?"

"It doesn't matter anymore but in an ideal world I wanted to be with her."

The therapist raised her brow writing things down for the session, "Wanted, past tense. Why that tense?"

"Why bother? She doesn't want me, I may as well be trash. Maybe I'm not good enough, maybe I never was worthy of her. It's just so complicated, she's mad I wasn't present. I just know that she wouldn't be on the planet you know if I didn't do something a-and she goes off with him who will only break her heart all because I had to go home. They've been fucking around all summer." She grimaced at his language, "I mean messing around. I'm sorry. I know this guy because he used to be my good friend. I think she chose him because she wanted to get back at me."

"Sean, I'm sorry this is happening I see how it tears you up. It also sounds like you put way too much emphasis and precedence on her and is it possible that they could have a real however romantic relationship? A genuine love or feelings for one another like you and her used to have or something serious between them? Why do you think it's hard to believe?"

"She's fragile now, I can see and feel her pain I feel like. She hasn't moved on she compartmentalizes it, but I know she hurts. Besides, it is the only thing that makes sense." He sighed, "apparently we both have nightmares."

"Is it possible she's simply moved on and happened to fall in love along the way?"

Sean uncomfortably shook his head, "She says I treat her like a ballerina in a music box. I don't even understand."

"I do." the therapist, "how long out of curiosity have you all known one another?"

"I've known her since the 7th grade. So roughly 3 maybe 4 years, it's not like her, he's not the type she should be with. If not me, definitely not him. I don't think he's capable of love. He was my friend, I have a lot of regrets regarding that guy. He's a bad guy and she doesn't see it or she doesn't care."

"Have you dated other girls before?"

Sean sighed, "What does this have to do with me?"

"I believe you need to evaluate yourself and see things more openly and subjectively. If you speak to her again don't dismiss her feelings and undermine her relationship no matter how much you want to. It's tough to lose a dynamic you felt for but I think you should reframe those thoughts and you shouldn't focus on a relationship until you can think about this in a more healthy fashion. If she doesn't want to talk, you have to respect her boundaries she set no matter how much it hurts."

Sean's voice breaks, "I love her. I see things more clearly now than before this all happened. I'm less clear on how he feels about her because I burned bridges with him."

'It definitely sounds like you do and I can't speak for her or him but it seems like she needs time to process." the therapist told him as she looked at her watch, "for the last ten minutes I want you to reframe at least one negative thought. Maybe you can also try reaching out to friends, other friends."

"There is Toby, the other boy in the hall." Sean thought out loud, "he's really struggling alone and quite frankly so am I."

"Maybe you don't have to address it head-on but maybe you can be his friend again. What's your reframed thought."

"Like affirmation?"

"Yes."

"I'm not perfect but I'm not trash." Sean didn't even believe it himself he just wanted to get out of there.

You're still a part of everything I do

You're on my heart just like a tattoo

Sean opens his door with his keys and arrives home after his therapy appointment. He still feels terrible about what happened between him and Emma. Therapy helped but it just made him feel like he'd messed up and made too rash of decisions. People grieve at different speeds and maybe Emma needs more time to grow even if it means without him.

He decided to take care of himself tonight by working out in his home gym and later on watching bad tv before going to bed and waking up early for school. First, though he strips off his shirt and manages to reveal a tattoo that reads, Emma.

Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you.


	24. Chapter 24 I Run Away

Chapter 24

I Run Away

Emma snuck out to Jay's to be the bearer of bad news, she climbed through her bedroom window breaking a cardinal rule Snake had set. She needed to tell him that he needs to have dinner with Emma and her family in order to continue seeing him. It's all Manny's fault for mentioning Jay period the day she told Emma's mom and dad about things and now there's a dinner neither Emma nor Jay want to have. Jay's never been the meet the parent's type.

"Oh there you are," Jay muttered as he got off the couch pulling her close into an embrace and kissing her softly, "what's been new?"

"My mom and stepdad want to have dinner tomorrow night." Emma told him, "Manny sort of mentioned you when we studied at the library."

Jay muttered telling her honestly, "I told you, I don't do parent dinners."

Emma frowned unsure how to feel when she heard his not so nice tone, he saw the hurt in her eyes. Jay sighed when he saw her puppy dog eyes, "I'll do it for you" he pressed his head up against her forehead, "for us. I just don't want to start having barbecues and a weekly thing."

"I think they just want a name to a face."

"I guess so."

Emma and Jay kiss and she joins him on the couch, "What are they gonna make?"

"Sushi, handrolls. She considers it a special occasion. She's looking forward to meeting you."

"And Mr. Simpson?"

"Let's just say he's not exactly enthused."

"Can you blame him? My track record with him quite frankly sucks."

"I promise you can be compensated by me," Emma flirtatiously says to him.

"Only girls parents I ever met were Lexxi's but I've known Emily and Chad for years. I grew up with her but what if they don't like me?"

"Why wouldn't they like you?" Emma asked, "I like you. My mom isn't judgy. She can be really cool and honest."

"Oh before I forget there's a party Friday Night at the ravine, you in?"

"Yeah, of course. Maybe if you meet the parents I won't have to bother sneaking."

"Hopefully, I don't know for sure why I care but I hope that your mom likes me. I think her perception of me is more important than Snake's."

Emma smiled softly, "I hope she likes you too."

…..

Jay knocked on the door and Spike answered.

"Jay, I'm Christine. It's nice to finally meet you." She tells him as she lets him into the house, "I hope you're hungry because I sort of made a bunch. Emma mentioned you like eel and California best."

"Love it."

As they sit down at the table, Jay's left leg is bouncing nervously. Emma slowly travels her hand to his under the table to try to ease his nerves.

Manny sees this but is distracted by her Kani salad and getting her serving of soup from Spike.

Once everyone has food in front of them Christine begins playfully grilling Jay, "So Jay what are some of your hobbies?"

"I like cars." He manages to say.

"I guess you take auto shop. Emma, didn't Sean take it too?"

Emma awkwardly nods her head because Christine is doing exactly what she asked her not to do. She wasn't comfortable with Sean mention but Christine was simply making conversation at the silent table. Manny is amused because it's better Emma than her. "Christine," Snake calmly changes the subject about school and tells her, "Pass the wasabi and ginger please."

She does and then returns her attention back to Jay, "So you live far from here?"

"No I live close to The Dot in the apartments, I live by myself. I'm pretty much emancipated from my dad. Long story."

Christine was surprised, but she tried to remain calm and collected. Snake made a face knowing more than her that she shouldn't ask, "Oh," is all she could say, "Well what are your post-school plans?"

Jay swallowed hard, "I'm trying to become a mechanic by trade at the vocational school. I took 3 years of shop so I think that's where I want to go."

Snake was beside himself. Jay had always had bad grades and attendance. Snake had all but given up on him being successful in Media Immersion or anywhere and he was always insubordinate and he was always in detention or getting suspended before he was expelled. He wasn't happy about this dinner. He sipped his water and kept his eyes downcast at his plate.

"It's nice that you have a goal for that." Emma hoped his expulsion didn't come up. Christine wasn't pleased he was living alone and Emma knew she'd be uncomfortable with the notion of Emma spending time with Jay at his house. She was hoping to hear something different.

After dinner, Emma, Manny, and Christine did the dishes together and Snake and Spike were in the living room watching tv. Jay had offered to help but Christine quipped, "You're the guest. Enjoy yourself."

Snake started out silent when he asked Jay to come to the chair nearest him. "You might fool Christine, Emma, and maybe even Manny but you don't fool me."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jay asked. "I'm not trying to fool anyone."

Contemptful he mutters, "I know exactly who you are, what you are. What you did. Heed my warning you hurt Emma we're going to have some problems."

"I think she can take care of herself and decide what she wants."

"She's fragile and you knew that this spring, what about that?"

Jay grumbled, "What are you saying? I don't want to have this conversation."

"You're not good enough for her. The games over."

Jay copped an attitude softly not to alarm the girls in the kitchen, "Damn right it is, there are no games. I hate to break it to you but with all due respect mind your own business."

"Emma is my business, she has been since I married her mother. Look at you," Snake shaking his head with a look of disgust, "look at you pretending right here and now."

Jay scoffed, "This is why I didn't want to come to dinner. I knew I just knew it'd go bad."

"You know what Jay? Do what you do best, let her go. It'll hurt at first for her but I know she doesn't mean anything to you. End the long con because Emma looks at you as someone she had given her heart to and you're never going to be good enough and I'll never accept your relationship as genuine because I don't believe you're genuine."

"You don't know anything, Archibald. Do you know how horrible you sound? You don't know anything and I'm not going anywhere."

A quiet lull followed Jay's last words, and then Emma emerged from the kitchen and brought out of the kitchen two pieces of cake that Spike made for the two and sat beside Jay. She had a feeling he wasn't okay, "Here," She knelt on the couch beside him.

"Thanks, Emma."

Emma beamed combing her hair behind her, "It's your favorite, cheesecake. I made it."

"It's delicious," Jay told her distractedly, Snake got up to give them time. He put down the cheesecake on the table when he had a few bites feeling full. The conversation really got to him. He gave her a quick kiss, he lowered his voice, "I'll talk to you tonight though but I gotta get back home. Some of my friends are coming by for a pickup."

"Okay." Is all she could say. Christine saw Jay put on his jacket on the hook and Spike entered the room with a bag, "Here are some leftovers for later."

"Food was amazing, thank you for the dinner and hospitality."

Snake glared at him covertly before Jay left. Emma felt weird but he couldn't figure out how his mood went from up to down.

Spike remarked, "He seems nice, Emma. It's a shame he couldn't stay for games."

"Yeah," Emma's mood had lowered and she looked to her mother, "I'm going to go lay down. I'm kind of tired from all the cooking earlier." Manny couldn't read the room and decided to go join her friend, and Spike and Snake remained upstairs and watched television until they ventured up to bed around 10. Emma started to grow concerned so she shot Jay a text, "Do you want me to come over later?"

He took a while to get back to her and she wondered why he was so distant and weird after dinner. She took matters into her own hands, waited until the coast was clear and everyone was asleep and took a walk to Jay's.

The lights were on, his car was in the driveway. It was raining hard by the time she arrived she was drenched but she was determined to see him. She knew it was kind of forward but she was starting to feel something wasn't right. She knocked on the front door. Jay was chain-smoking cigarettes alone at his kitchen table, the friends had come and gone and he was deep in thought he almost didn't hear the knock at the door. He was trying to find a way to avoid hurting Emma. What Snake said got to him. He figured, "How could we have a good relationship with her stepfather hating him the way he does?"

Finally, Emma knocked one last time and Jay answered the door. She lowered her fist and offered him a smile, "Did you get my message?"

"No." He told her flatly, "I haven't been by my phone."

Emma could sense the distance, "You okay?"

"Why are you here?" Jay asked.

"Well I'm your girlfriend, isn't that reason enough to come?"Jay didn't say anything, he watched her smile fade, "Did I do something wrong?"

"No Emma, you're fine. It's not you." Jay muttered softly avoiding her eyes, not sure how to break the horrible news. "It's got to do with me, you should go home. I'm in a really crappy mood."

"I can tell. Maybe I can turn your frown upside down?"

Jay blurted out, "No, no you can't." Emma cocked her head and he went on, "I don't think I can do this with you."

"Excuse me?" She asked, taken back feeling like her stomach had been hit by a dozen potatoes in a sack. She avoided his eyes and she whispered determined to make this wrong right, "Can we at least talk about it? What's going on?"

She attempted to get closer to him but he backed up, "I don't want you to come in. I know what would happen if I let you in and I'd let you down. I don't know if we can do that, or if it'd be a good idea. I didn't mean for it to get this far but maybe we need to take a break or something. You're attached, I don't do dinner with parents, I'm not that kind of guy and I never will be. I can't talk to you right now, I've got a lot on my mind."

"So you don't want to be with me." Her voice was breaking, "why? I thought we were on the same page. I thought you wanted to be with me. I mean I don't even know what happened? Was it something I said?"

"It's nothing to do with you." He told her, "I'm an asshole. I'm sorry I led you on."

"I can't believe this, this is a cop-out and I know it."

"Just go home," Emma looked back at the pouring rain and then to Jay hoping he'd reconsider. The longer she stood there the more he wanted her to stay and it hurt him to do this. He didn't want to and was careful with his words. "You shouldn't be here."

He didn't want to say or do anything additionally that he'd come to regret.

Emma looked down and wiped her tears away with her hands, she went to her wrist and removed the bracelet Jay had given her from his mother and placed it in his hands, "I guess I wasn't special."

He didn't say anything that hurt him more than she knew. He wished that he could tell her the truth, about Snake and what he said but instead, he said, "it's better to rip off the bandaid now it'll only hurt worse if we'd prolong it."

"Why tonight?" Jay looked down at the bracelet as she challenged the notion, "What happened to you?"

"It needs to be done. We need to be, you're so much better off. I'll only bring you down. I'm going to end up breaking your heart. You don't deserve that, you don't deserve someone like me." A clap of thunder made Emma jump after he finished with, "Please don't make this harder than it already is. It was better when we felt nothing."

"How could you go and do this?" She asked rhetorically he didn't say a word just watched her, "You got your wish, alright. I'll go but just know I broke my own rules for you, I was falling in love with you and now look at what you've done." He could hear the hurt in her voice. "I should've trusted my intuition that you are so not who I thought you were."

She sniffled as she turned her back, he watched her disappear into the rain and fog. She sobbed the entire way. It was low visibility but she saw Sean's apartment lit and she decided to bite the bullet. She adjusted herself as the set clothes weighed her down and clung to her.

She pounded on the door as the mascara marked her cheeks as she wiped her tears, smearing it even further. She didn't want him to see that she'd been crying, "Emma?"

Sean was in a white tee and sweatpants appearing ready for bed, he simply invited her inside no questions asked holding the door open for her, "You're soaked what's going on? Quick come in."

Emma didn't tell him, she didn't want to talk about it. She knew she had nothing to lose; she had already lost Jay and his love. She just blinked back tears and tried holding back and told him, "I'm a mess."

She stepped inside and without thinking he threw a blanket around her, "Something happen? You don't have to tell me. Let me get you something dry."

He rushed down the hall to grab a towel from the linen closet and something dry.

Emma stood in his warm and lit living room waiting for him to return. Emma saw him return and then she walked into the bathroom, dried off and changed. She joined him on the couch but sat a cushion apart. Her hair was still wet but it wasn't dripping. "Thanks, Sean," she tells him as she reentered the living area.

"Hey, don't mention it. I'm glad you came to me. It's dangerous out there." Emma sat beside him and took it all in that Sean was here and he didn't dismiss her. He let her in, he was compassionate. She didn't deserve it though she thought.

Emma suddenly burst into tears and Sean whispered, "Hey hey hey, what's wrong? You're okay. You can stay here as long as you need, or until the storm breaks." She wordlessly acknowledged him taking tissue from the side table and wiping her eyes, "No rush we don't have to talk if you don't want to. I mean I don't have my cable but we can watch whatever on if that's okay."

Emma turned to face him after some time of silence and calm, "You were right about everything."

"I didn't want to be for what it's worth."

"Well, you were right and now I don't know what to do."

"Where were you coming from?"

"Jay's, he broke up with me. I didn't know who else to turn to."

Sean was fuming, "And he just let you walk home? Gosh, you could've been hit by a car or worse. Catch a cold from being wet in the cold."

Emma didn't say anything, "It's not even the worst of it, it's like he waited for me to get invested, and then he goes and pulls the rug out from under me. I just feel so stupid. I should've never let him in. I just thought I didn't know I guess I stopped thinking."

"He took advantage of you, I could kill him."

Emma tried to de-escalate, "Please Sean, it's not entirely his fault. It was complicated."

"He hurt you is what makes me mad because he could."

"I suppose. He was just so cold tonight" Emma covered her mouth as she kept blinking tears tiredly. Emma sighed, "I just know one thing for sure, it was real once. It felt real, and a-and honestly maybe it wasn't supposed to last. Nothing good ever does with me. Nothing lasts forever, right?"

"I didn't want anything like that in June. Come September though so much had changed it seemed right but it stopped being a game. It stopped being fun for him and me and slowly grew into something I still quite don't understand. I just thought I didn't know the feelings were going to be real."

"There's plenty of chances to feel that way for somebody when you least expect it, and it may seem hopeless now but I promise you'll get better. I hate seeing you cry. You deserve good things. I won't rest until you see it."

"Prepare for many sleepless nights," Emma told him jokingly. "It's just the first time I fell in love I got hurt it took time afterward to work through the loss. Then more recently, I agreed to the summer arrangement because it felt secure, no feelings involved, no strings and it got murky."

Sean opened his mouth to speak and Emma looked at him, "everything changed when you saved me. I changed into somebody I didn't know. I felt you were the only one who understood me. I just felt abandoned by you and now I feel all sorts of selfish because you didn't deserve it. I know you don't like the word hero, but you are my hero."

"I'm here for you now, I appreciate you saying that."

A small smile crept upon her lips and he pulled her into a hug, she leaned on him and returned the hug and they lingered there for a while quietly just taking everything in. Eventually, they were ready for bed.

He insisted she take his bed and he took the couch. He tucked her in and shut out the bedroom light. Emma turned on her side and scrunched her body to stay warm as tears slid down her cheeks. It took her a few moments before trailing off to sleep.


	25. Chapter 25, The Tears I have Tasted

Chapter 25

The Tears I have Tasted

Emma blinked awake and remembered she was at Sean's in his bed. She slowly pulled off the blankets and looked at the digital clock for the time. She could see the sunshine seep into the room through the cracks in the blinds almost blinding.

Without missing a beat, Emma grabbed her shoes that were still somewhat damp and held them. She got up and found her clothes hanging and quickly folded up the ones he let her borrow and put them on top of the hamper. She quietly peered out the door and saw Sean was still asleep on the couch soundly. He looked peaceful. She tried not to make any noise and she slowly and carefully opened the front door and snuck out to go home. She was up tossing and turning most of the night. She couldn't get the things that Jay had said and she couldn't believe how real and vulnerable she got with Sean. At least she can count on him for friendship.

The hurt was still fresh, she was determined to make it through the day without breaking down over it. It was a cold morning so she rushed home with her arms hugging her body. She arrived in her room climbing through the window and couldn't help but notice Manny was putting on her makeup and dressed up for school. She acknowledged Emma and whispered, "It's so nice of you to join me. How was last night?"

Emma didn't want to cry and didn't want to talk about it for fear she'd simply burst into tears. She tried to keep her composure, she simply couldn't tell Manny to come face to face with her fear of telling her and receiving an I hate to say but I told-you-so sort of response. She just shrugged with preoccupation, "It was alright."

"Just alright?"

"Yeah," is all she could say looking in the linen closet for a fresh towel. It was the opposite of fine but she lied to save face, "It was fine."

"C'mon I want Sizzleteen details!" Manny excitedly remarked and judged Emma's less than polished appearance, "Well, what happened? You two bump uglies all night?"

"I don't know I kind of gotta get ready," Emma brushed her off as she grabbed something to wear from her small closet.

"You don't know? Well, Emma, it's a simple question," Manny asked with a chuckle, getting off the bed and advancing forward with her smile turned into a look of concern, "Wait, have you been crying?"

"No why would I be?" Emma lied and denied it and disappeared in the basement shower. Manny knew something was wrong because Emma seemed shaken and was in a rush.

Once inside Emma hung her towel on the back of the door and turned on her water. She gets out of her clothes, turns on the water, and lets it run down on her body. She slid down the tiled wall and sobbed clutching her legs and sobbed uncontrollably. She couldn't fight the tears anymore; they just kept coming. She'd tried so hard to suppress and she knew she was alone so she could give up the ruse that everything is okay. It was as if she was in the rain and no one could see her cry. She wondered, "Is this what it feels like to really cry?" It felt like a loss but maybe she was being too dramatic but it felt like pain and she had never felt quite that heartbroken before.

She had lost her heart, love being this losing game.

She had literally fallen apart, he came out of nowhere and built her back up again only for the pieces to crumble apart. No longer could Emma pretend everything was okay because at least she had a distraction from the trauma, drama, and pain. She tried to stop herself as she grabbed her shampoo and ran it through her long blonde hair.

It was fortunate when she emerged and she strained her hair that the mirrors were fogged from the warm shower because she didn't want to see her face devoid of makeup or the black tear stains that remained. She wished she could just stay home and play hooky but she had to press on. She had to be strong, she regained composure, she didn't want to talk about Jay and she didn't want to talk to Sauve about anything regarding the shooting, the nightmares because that just made it real.

She felt weak and nauseous as if her heart had managed her to lose her appetite and cause her to feel almost numb everywhere else. She couldn't eat, she didn't want to sleep, she didn't want to face everyone, she didn't want to move from that bathroom but she knew she had to fight with herself to move from there.

Emma sighed and thought maybe Jay was right about one thing, it was better when they felt nothing at all. The overwhelming tears flooded back. She took a few deep breaths as the condensation on the mirror began to melt and her face began to show. She couldn't even face herself because she didn't know the girl in the mirror staring back at her. Her reflection told a story. She never thought she'd be so beaten down by loving someone. She never thought she'd ever fall in love with anyone or Jay himself. She had fought so hard to protect herself and not feel for him but somehow he broke through and this became no ordinary heartbreak. She couldn't fathom living in a world without him by her side now that she had experienced that. No one could ever understand because they simply weren't there, and they weren't her. It affected her more than she could put into words.

She bit her lip hard trying to muffle her sobs while she kept trying to deeply breathe but she kept feeling like she couldn't breathe as if she were drowning or suffocating. She finally looked upwards and forced herself to stop somehow she forced herself to think of something to stop herself. She put on her clothes, washed her face again, put on her makeup, and fixed her hair. Manny pounded on the door, "Hurry up, we're gonna be late."

"Just a minute, Manny"

"We really don't have a minute."

"Leave without me then, I'll be late, it's no big deal."

"Remember Em, at lunch, we are talking to Sauve."

Emma didn't say anything, of course, Manny picks the worst possible day to schedule something with the counselor. Emma wasn't ready to talk about her feelings, she'd be wasting the poor woman's time and her own time. Plus she felt like the moment she opened her mouth her eyes would flood up and she didn't want to cry. She wished her heart was hardened so it would've made it easier granted it'd be unhealthy to release emotions but she'd give anything to not feel this way anymore. It was almost too much for her to bear.

…..

At school, Emma was at her locker getting her books and gym clothes for the day. Sean walked by and stood beside her on the other side, "Hey. How are you holding up?"

"I don't know, it's not even eight o'clock," Emma remarked sidetracked double-checking her books in front of her open locker. "It'll be okay I guess at least I hope so." She didn't sound confident but she tried.

Sean felt bad, he simply wanted to see her smile but there was likely nothing he could say to change her frown to a smile. He bit the bullet and asked, "Can I walk you to class?"

Emma shut her locker, locked it, and turned to him, "Yeah, okay."

They didn't talk a ton on their way to homeroom but Emma was happy to have Sean as her friend, unaware that Sean hadn't quite let go of his feelings but it was a step in the right direction. Emma wasn't in the mood to get as deep as they did last night. Unbeknownst to Emma, Sean longingly looks at Emma at homeroom, and Emma isn't aware. She just smiles back unaware if she caught him and gets back to her work. Sean had two other classes with Emma, English, and a class near the end of the day. After class ended they walked to their next classes, "I just know today is going to suck. There's no convincing me otherwise."

"Given the circumstances I understand," Sean told her kindly, "it'll take time to feel better, trust me though whatever it takes I know you'll be okay."

"I wanted to thank you again for last night."

"Don't mention it, you're fine."

The intercom sounded mid-conversation,

"Emma Nelson please report to the Guidance Office, I repeat Emma Nelson to the Guidance Office."

In response her mood managed to sour, she muttered a hushed, "damnit," under her breath.

Others in the hallway who recognized Emma simply looked at her but she ignored their sad eyes. Sean asked her with concern offering his help, "I'll walk you."

"You should get to class," she weakly told him, stopped in the hall, and turned to face him, "I don't want you to miss out on account of me."

Sean questioned her to double-check, "You sure?"

"One-hundred percent, we'll catch up after school."

"I can drop you at home on my way to my place, meet me by the steps outside after school."

"Sounds good."

Manny was at Sauve's office and Emma finally arrived, "Here she is, come on in Emma. Take a seat."

Inside Emma wanted to blurt, shoot her mouth out on how bad things were but outside she was stiff and tried to remain composed and distant.

"So how was your summer?"

"It was good," she managed to say but her answer didn't match her expression.

"Vacations? Spend time with friends?"

"Nothing like that," she muttered unfocused, "I don't know what I'm doing here."

"We never touched base last year about how you're doing. It's normal to feel like you're beyond help but I will help you. I have all day and the school year to work through this with you. I just want you to know I'm here for you whenever you need to talk, "we never worked together before so this is just me asking you some light questions in an effort to get to know you better. Your friends are concerned and she's not the only one. It appears your grades slipped in the final term and your GPA this year will continue to suffer. You are a good student."

Emma softly mumbled, "Um, okay. Who requested I see you?"

"I'm sworn to keep that secret. Excellent. We're gonna do the I am, I want and I need exercise."

"I'm Emma, but you knew that already, I want to go home and I need to not talk about anything with you because you'll only use it against me."

"Not at all, everything in here is protected, I'll tell no tales."

"Two can only keep a secret if one of them is dead."

She smiled politely changing the subject, "How was your weekend? Do anything fun?"

Emma answered, "I got dumped."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that."

Emma's eyes narrowed with suspicion, "Are you?"

"Yes, it's not easy to go through that. Clearly it affects you, maybe we can talk about it?"

"I honestly can't," Emma avoided her eyes knowing full well she wasn't ready to talk but she couldn't anymore, "it doesn't matter because everything was a joke, a lie, a game to him."

"What makes you say that?"

"Who could love someone like me?" Emma asked, "I'm a bad person, I bullied Rick and was among the last to see him alive."

"Emma…."

"I'm better off being gone like him." Emma saw her lift her pen to write it down, "I didn't mean it like that. It's not like I have a plan. I just sometimes want to escape from it."

"Do you ever experience nightmares?"

"All of the time."

"What happens in them?"

"Well, it's like that day like a video memory. Photographic almost. He, Rick tries to kiss me and when I recoil or pull back or say no he points a gun at me he tells me before he pulls the trigger that he was sorry and that I could've lived had I just did it or accepted it or let it happen and then bam I wake up in a cold sweat and it's over and I feel terrible. It's always in that one hallway. It's always just me. Sean or Toby wasn't there to stop him. You just hear the gunshot and I know he's coming for me and like that day I'm frozen in time. I can't move or run away, I can barely speak, my heart is beating out of my chest, I want to scream but nothing comes out I can't move and when I do speak I just beg him to leave me alone and let me live but I don't know if it's audible and I wake up and then I'm just, will it last forever?"

"It's hard to tell, but you can start a dream journal and we can evaluate your dreams and nightmares."

"Okay, I'll do it."

"As for the breakup, it'll be hard. There's nothing you can do about it and I'm not going to sugarcoat it. You're going to feel bad but if you ever feel alone know you aren't. I mean this is delving into my own personal experiences but I was ghosted by my husband several years ago and to this day I don't know where he is. He wasn't coming back because he had literally taken everything of his right down to a toothbrush and razor. I know it's not the same but I'll say in three months' time it'll hurt less." Emma softened before Sauve spoke again, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to overshare or overstep but maybe you could talk to me once a week or so about yourself. I'll give you homework and you'll come back and we'll talk more. Your friend is really concerned she wants to see you get better. I want to see you get better no question. I'm not going to tell anyone unless you're thinking about hurting or killing yourself it's my oath."

"I want to get better too. I need to, somethings gotta change."

"As I said, In time things will get better. You should give yourself credit, you are a survivor. Coming into these halls every day and being faced with what you were faced with and you still stay strong, you have such potential I admire your strength. You already completed the first step - and now you need to stop pinning the blame on you and you alone, that's where I come in and help."

"Thank-you?" Emma questioned uncomfortably playing with her hands and nervously playing with the hems on her skirt looking down, "

"As for scheduling, come back next Monday at the same time?"

"Works for me," Emma softly smiled and she wrote her a slip with the information and a pass back to class.

On her way to the art room, she walked by the shop room and saw Sean hard at work and talking to Mr. Elh about his assignment. He seemed happy, proud of himself and it made her happy knowing she had a friend in him. She lollygagged and left that wing of the hallway and aimlessly walked until she heard the bells ring out for dismissal. She walked to her locker and placed her books inside for the night. Fortunately, no homework as far as she knew so she made her way home.

Emma took the front doors out and heard her name being called, "Emma! Sorry I was late getting to you."

Emma stopped, turned around while she blocked the sun from her eyes, and waved with her spare hand as he trudged down the steps, "Sean, hey."

"You didn't think I forgot about driving you home."

"I didn't forget, I was sort of on autopilot." Emma told him uncomfortably, "so where did you park?" Sean led her to his car and opened the passenger door and she got inside.

"So you snuck out on me before I woke up."

"I had to get changed for school."

"Could I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Did you love him?"

"What does it matter, I got played anyway?" Emma wondered out loud.

"Maybe, maybe not. Maybe something happened."

"Sean I really wish you wouldn't ask me about him. The only thing that probably happened was that he found someone else."

Sean shut up for a few moments and turned to the corner to Emma's street, "I'm sorry I asked if I overstep I'm sorry. I'm just concerned."

"Why do you even care?" Emma remarked tiredly looking in his direction.

"All sorts of reasons."

"Like?" Emma asked, "I need examples."

Sean stammered out a response, "I don't know, I just feel it. I know you're someone special, and if he doesn't see that he's quite frankly not worth your time. I don't want you thinking you're not special or perfect or beautiful"

Emma looked down uncomfortably, "Sean, I'm so flattered but nobody is perfect. Least of all me."

"I'm too late, aren't I?" Sean furrowed his brow, "Maybe I shouldn't say that, but I guess I can't really explain it. You were always good to me even when I didn't deserve it. When I was some punk-ass grade 7, you used to look at me with this light in your eyes. I guess what I meant to say is you make my heart full. I never felt so cared for and it felt good and I fucked up and lost you."

"I haven't been that girl for a long time. She feels so far away, I'm not perfect and I wish you wouldn't speak that way to me no matter how sweet it is. I don't deserve it, I'm a fraud. I tried, I tried really freaking hard to be perfect. I wanted people to be proud of me, I wanted to be good at things. I wanted people to see me but what happened when it all fell down? When did I realize I'm not living up to the standard I had for even myself? I fell apart and now look at me? Crying over a guy who led me on and made me believe there was some hope right when I needed him the most. Is this going to be my life? I can't even be a good girlfriend, I can't do anything right."

"Em, you know that's not true, crying doesn't make you wrong?."

Emma chucked about to cry and sniffle a bit, "Look at me, I'm a mess. Perfect, it's simply not me."

They neared Emma's house and he parked the car. He looked toward her, "I hate seeing you so down, listen to me when I say I think everything will work out."

"That doesn't fit. It's not like the last time I came to you with a problem."

"Which time?" Sean asked her jokingly, "Ah there's that smile."

"It doesn't matter but it's not the same as it was to answer your question, it's just a simple thing won't fix it this time. It seemed so final so as far as I know what's done is done." They were silent a few moments before she asked, "Will you come to this party at Bennett Park Friday with me?"

"Sure, but is Jay coming?"

Emma shrugged as she lied through her teeth, "I don't care if he's there."

"I'll go. It could be fun."

"Yeah, it could be. We can get drunk and roast marshmallows, get some drinks maybe blaze?"

"Sounds like my kind of party."

"Well, I'll see you around." She turned around to remove her seatbelt, "Sean, um thanks for the ride home." Emma slipped out of the car and Sean waved goodbye while he rode off.


	26. Chapter 26, Have a Nice Life

Chapter 26

Have a Nice Life

Toby was walking aimlessly walking down the halls with his eyes downcast en route to the computer lab. Sean was at his locker listening to music. Sean subtly acknowledged him with a nod and Toby straight-up ignored him, "Toby," Sean advanced forward to talk to him.

Toby turned around. "Sean? Where have you been at?"

"Wasaga Beach, I needed time away. Obviously I'm back now and it wasn't a forever sorta thing."

"Isn't that nice," Toby muttered sarcastically with his hands in his pockets, hunched over because of his heavy black backpack. People wandered around them in the middle of the hall. Some people dodged them looks but they walked past them. He didn't seem like he wanted to talk, or that he cared where he went. "If you'll excuse me I have places to be."

"Can we talk?" Sean wondered out loud.

Toby scoffed, and asked Sean, "Since when do you care?"

"I always saw you as a friend, seems like you need one right now."

"I don't need one. Honestly, I fail to remember when we ever friends? Oh right, when you came over that night and played cards because you felt like you might have a chance to speak to Emma again?" He growled laden with bitterness, "or was it when we were in the hallway because I don't want to relive that? We're not friends Sean and quite frankly I don't feel like talking."

Sean didn't know what to say, he didn't expect to be called out, he softly chuckled to himself nervously, "Touche."

Toby started to walk away but Sean called out to him with Toby's back facing him, "Wait up c'mon let's just talk. It doesn't even have to be about that, how was your summer? Maybe we can catch up?"

"Don't pretend to care. I understand what you're trying to do," Toby told Sean rather honestly, "We're not buddies we don't hang out."

"I do care. I just have a funny way of showing it. I'm just concerned - "

"Well stop. I'm doing just fine."

"Doesn't look like it."

"You deal your way and I'll deal mine. Do me a favor?"

Sean gullibly nodded, "Sure, what do you need?"

"Just leave me alone, Sean. Like I said I got to go." Sean exhaled as he turned the corner and took a swift kick to the locker nearby with frustration, he tried to avoid losing his temper. He hated reaching out and being denied. He knew he had to be patient with Toby, this wasn't over. He wanted to make it up to him, he wanted to help him because clearly he hasn't dealt with what happened and he didn't want to even make an attempt to try. He'd never seen this side of Toby. He just had a feeling he was hurting more than he let on. He knew Liberty and JT were pretty much together and attached at the hip and Toby sort of slipped away through the cracks and hid somewhere under the radar. Since Kendra left town a few years ago, he never really dated after that so he was largely alone.

Sean felt somewhat sorry because Toby didn't have many friends and kept to himself and was often the target for bullies. His short stature, interests, and glasses made him somewhat easy to find things to pick on him about. He took home high grades, was part of so many clubs like Rooks and Knights, Chess Club, Bright Sparks, Debate team, and yearbook but mostly his work went unnoticed and Paige and Hazel had almost complete eminent domain over every decision because they're seniors and popular social status. Toby wanted nothing to do with that version of himself, instead, he became a loner. He didn't want to hang out with the other nerds. He didn't want them to feel sorry for him. Toby was used to bullies pretending to be nice and it explains why he so brutally rejected Sean when he reached out.

Toby walked onto the roof and took out a pack of cigarettes and sat on the ledge. He knew where to go and was crafty enough to find out where the keys were. It wasn't his first time on the roof. Inside his backpack, he pulled out a can of cheap beer and opened it. Unfortunately for him, the beer had sprayed him a bit from rolling around in the backpack but he didn't care. He pulled the matches from his pocket and lit his cigarette and took a long drag and exhaled a cloud of smoke thoughtfully. He spends his days getting loaded off beer, sprays himself with axe body spray, skips class, smokes a few boges, and comes home drinks copious amounts of mountain dew and monster and doesn't sleep with all the videogames in the world. There was no player two, he largely worked alone playing all kinds of shooter games. He wanted to be invisible to everyone because he wanted to be almost anonymous rinse and repeat routines until he dies. He seldom shows up to class and Jeff and Kate really don't know how to reach him. He was going to grief therapy but he wastes time by not talking about anything relevant so they pulled him out. They're at a loss but they don't want to give up so he often feels misunderstood. He just wants to forget about the past but his parents won't let him. They fight a lot. Jeff and Toby are the worst at butting heads and Toby has been reaching out to his mother Anne Marie but she's so busy.

When he gets his mom time she avoids the topic knowing it upsets Toby and is unaware just how abysmal his grades are. She leaves the tough decisions to Jeff but she more or less tiptoes around Toby and lets him do what he pleases and sometimes she's even home late with work obligations so she's rarely around and that's how Toby likes it. Deep down she wants to do more but knows she likely missed the boat on it. This week he asked if he could stay at moms and she reluctantly let him despite the fact she had initially planned to skip her work trip to spend time with him.

Toby returned home from school a little tipsy. He stumbled in and tried to fake an interaction when he saw her on her laptop working on something, She didn't look up from it when she cooed, "Hey Tiger how was school."

"School was school, what about your work trip?"

"I skipped it, figured we could have a mother-son weekend."

He didn't get angry but he didn't want to socialize and Toby just told her quietly, "I'll be in my room."

He was preparing to walk inside the doorway when she closed her laptop and managed to smile asking, "What should we have for dinner?"

He thought for a moment facing her in the apartment from his bedroom doorway, "Chinese?"

"Sounds like a plan. What should we order?"

"I'll have my usual."

"Okay, I'll call you when its time to go pick it up I'll call in a bit."

"Sounds good, mom."

She asked him with a kindhearted beam."And Tiger?"

"Yes, mom?"

"I love you."

"I love you too mom."

…..

Emma kept resisting the urge to text Jay. She kept re-reading over their previous flirtatious messages pre-Saturday. She kept looking for an answer for why things were the way they were. She reasoned with the notion that perhaps she shouldn't insist that he would meet her parents. She then saw Snake after school doing the dishes before dinner. Spike was still at work and he was whistling "Everybody wants something" to himself but jumped and stopped what he was doing when he saw Emma walk by silently. She sat at the kitchen table and told him, "Look I wanted to apologize for being so short with you lately, I've had a lot on my mind."

"Em, we were just concerned before. I mean it can't be easy being a teenager in this day and age." Snake muttered and then faced her, "Maybe it's just harder than I remember."

"I spoke with Sauve, and I realized that I've been not dealing with things the best."

"Well, that's good. She offer any help?"

She nodded, "I'm just really sad I'm not sure how to say what I'm about to say so I'm just gonna say it." Emma began to unload, "Do you remember when I didn't like you?"

"Of course, we butt heads but you didn't like me?"

"It was before you and mom got married, you were always over the house and I was feeling like mom didn't love me the same now that she had you."

"Where is this coming from?"

"I just think that I'm growing up and I should have a say in who I see and who I love and you need to butt out."

"I am your father I stepped in and -"

"You're my dad, yes but you can't tell me how to live my life." He didn't say anything for a few moments, Snake, I know we left you alone with Jay. Whatever happened when we were in the kitchen I'll never know and maybe he came to the conclusion on his own but fuck it sorry, did you say anything to him?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Snake denied and turned to the sink and worked on those dishes. He then paused and stood still dropping the plate, "what are you insinuating?"

"Did you say something to him?"

"No, Emma. I didn't."

Emma moved next to him, "Look me in the eye and tell me that. It's the only logical explanation."

"Explanation for what?" Snake muttered, "I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, Emma. You can put makeup on a pig but it's still a pig. You can take the bottom of the barrel guy and you can't turn him into prince charming. I didn't have to say a thing," he shrugged, "I'm not gonna have this conversation with you. I've had a lot more life experience than you on this one, I call it as I see it."

"I think you did but you don't want to tell me. You think I can't handle it?"

Snake stuck to his guns, "Frankly? No. You're wounded and he targeted you. You're a notch on his belt, he's not the type to fall in love. He uses people. Degrassi is a much better school without him."

"You know what?" Emma scoffed shaking her head with anger and betrayal, "I hate you and you're a rotten shitty liar. How could you? I love him and you just don't want to see me happy!"

"Em, you may be in love but I can assure you he's not."

"Shut up you don't know him."

"I'm a guy, I know a lot more than you think." Emma narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms, "what do you want me to say? I didn't say a word, whatever happened between you and Jay which to be fair I don't care about and he's not my favorite guy in the world but you're naive to think that he's genuine. Kids got more issues than Sports Illustrated, there's so much going on and you're lonely so you accept him and he's only going to hurt you. I'm on your side!"

"You're a liar, I wish you never married mom." Emma ran to the basement and slammed the door. Snake was hurt but he tried not to break down. He heard her basement door slam. Emma threw herself on her bed and cried. She hollered up to him, "For the record," she ran up the stairs, "damage been done. He already did. I'm going out don't wait up."

"Where are you going?" He flew down the stairs to stop her.

Emma quickly pushed her basement window open and escaped. She didn't know where she was going but she knew one thing she was going far away. She didn't want Snake to be right and she fought to go to Jay's because a part of her thought he was right. For Snake, this wasn't like Emma to rebel and act out and he believed that he was negatively influencing her. She made her way to The Dot and Spinner was at the counter talking to Darcy. She was smiling and making eyes at him, it didn't take her long to realize that Spinner and Darcy were a something. Darcy ate a french fry and then turned to Emma, "Emma, hey? How was your summer."

"It was okay," She answered uncomfortably.

"Everything okay?"

Emma shrugged and Spinner took her order, "Before I took your order, Jay brought this to me and said to give this to you assuming you were to stop by eventually."

It was As You Like It. It was really over wasn't it? Emma held it in her hand, she thought about nixing her order and leaving which she ended up doing. She waved to Darcy and walked out of The Dot she collided with another customer and her book fell to the ground. When she picked it up she noticed that a small index card slipped out. She assumed it was just a one-off, she didn't read it she just stuffed it back into the book. She figured she or Jay used it to mark a spot of the story. Against her better judgment, she went to Jay's. She held the book to her side and rang the doorbell. He answered it and just looked at her, he had so much he wanted to say but he waited for her to talk when she wasn't talking he finally joked, "You rang? What do you want?"

"I just wanted to say thanks for returning my book."

She wanted to just grab him, shake him, hold him and she tried hard not to cry there pathetically as they just stood in the doorway. He acknowledged her, "You could've texted."

"I wanted to see you. I just had to."

"I'm not much to see."

"You are," she advanced a little closer and cocked her head, "was it all for nothing?"

"I don't want to talk about this right now."

"I don't want to either."

"What do you want from me?" Jay asked, "do you want to come in? Do I have to tell you to go home? I don't want to talk about it, I think we talked enough the other night." He seemed so cold and detached, "don't you think I said enough?"

Emma was angry, frustrated, and hurt, he could see it on her face. She wore her feelings on her sleeve. He wanted so bad to take it back, but he couldn't. He couldn't let her know that her own stepfather had sabotaged their budding relationship. He didn't know she had figured that out. Against his reservations, he pulled her close and whispered in her ear, "As much as I want to we can't go back not when I know I'm no good for you."

"Isn't it me to decide what's good for me?" She placed her head on his and looked into his eyes. "I won't leave until you let me in."

Jay stepped back and she came in, he shut the door behind her and passionately kissed her, he quickly picked her up and carried her to his room and that's where things heated up. If this was it if this was going to be the last time they go to each other it better be good. The book fell out of Emma's hands by the time they hit the walls in the hall as she clutched him. Jay tore off her dress and she ripped off his shirt as he threw her on the bed. This isn't how it was intended to go and when it was over they only felt cheated.

Emma didn't say anything and neither did Jay she just grabbed her book off the floor after she tied the back of her dress. She raised her eyebrow and grabbed the remaining index cards that fell out of the book and ran along homeward but first, she just told him, "Have a nice life."

When she shut the door behind her she sat on the steps to shuffle them neatly and put them back into the book. She couldn't help but see one of them had things scrawled on them. She hadn't seen his handwriting before, it wasn't the best but what was on the cards captured her attention. She then looked at the others, on each, there were numbers, dates, and a poem corresponding. There were quite a few and more inside the book. Jay had written a poem for each and every time they met up and memory of each time. It was unclear when the poems were written. Jay watched her out the window wondering why she remained. He didn't want to say goodbye. He also was ashamed he had undermined everything by just hooking up saying nothing. He wondered if she was going to come in again and confront him. Instead, she just left. He was somewhat crushed and thought that maybe this time she won't be back. He had blown it.

She didn't know what she was going to expect and now that everything's said and done maybe it really is over.

She didn't expect them to immediately fall back to each other, but she did expect to be words but his poems preceded him. They were lovely. She found herself on a bench at sunset at the park reading each poem. A big part of her wanted to cry, they really were beautiful and she couldn't stop reading and rereading his words full of love, sweet nothings, and declarations.

She wiped her eyes and started to cry, everything felt wrong. She had never felt this way before, this kind of heartbroken. She snuck back inside her basement and laid down she put the book and the poems on her nightstand. She didn't even bother saying anything to Manny. She hid her face in the pillows and pulled the blankets over her head. Manny had a feeling things were rough, she joined her on the bed and hugged her friend wordlessly. Emma turned around to face her and that's when she told her, "It's over."

She didn't want it to be but that was the way it was and will never be. She doesn't feel optimistic that anything including her very life will ever be the same again. Manny comforted Emma by just holding her as Emma erupted into tears until she had fallen asleep.


	27. Chapter 27 Reputation

Chapter 27

Reputation

Emma couldn't wait for the school day to end. She had spent most of the day avoiding everyone. She was still stinging from the heartbreak that had consumed most of the night and that day. She barely ate and she hasn't slept all that much.

It started to really sink in that it was all pretend unbeknownst to her thoughts couldn't be further from the truth.

Elsewhere, Jay was sort of a mess. He woke up around 10 that day, rolled out of bed but refused to leave his house. It wasn't summer anymore so he knew the next party where he could unload his frustrations wasn't until Friday night and here it was only Tuesday going on Wednesday. He decided to go in his fridge and grab a beer even if it was early. He wanted to numb the pain he was feeling and forget about her but everything reminded him of her and how he managed to fuck up the only good thing he had going for him. There never will be another Emma, he knew that and she was in a class of people all her own and he was on the outskirts. They were better together but they needed to be apart for now. Jay desperately didn't want to bring her down, corrupt her, or hurt her anymore. In his mind, he wasn't worthy of her and she deserved to date a guy like Sean who was always good to her almost to a fault. It made it easier that he wasn't in those halls. He didn't have to be around her, see her every day but maybe she'll thank him one day for him letting her go. Their relationship was many things to Jay but one thing it was never was a game.

It was best that she moved on with her life as much as it pains him to face the reality of the situation. He didn't want it to be this way and he wished that wasn't but he doesn't see himself as someone who is good enough for her and won't bring her down. Maybe he put too much stock in what people say about him and his own previous actions to deduce from there that he is inferior. He knows there's more to her than meets the eye and that she could handle things but he doesn't trust himself as if he becomes another person when he's around her influence. He wants better for himself which to him is unrealistic. She'll likely go places for instance go on to Banting and he's lucky if he could even pass the high school equivalency.

Jay went to the school before the last bell rang, he saw Sean and Emma walking together to his car down the hall he hid behind the corridor not wanting them to see him. Fortunately for him he was unseen. He felt so wrong being in the halls but he had to take the test only then will he know his fate. Daphne faked a smile and acknowledged him as the students left and some of the night school students walked past him to take their test. "Jayson Hogart, how was your summer?"

He wordlessly shrugged before finally muttering, "Fine."

They both walked into the classroom and she told him and the rest of the room, "Take a seat."

As the other kids chattered Jay had one MO which was to pass this test. With Emma's study help and his own studying he knew he had one shot and he can't blow this. This determines the track he'll be on the rest of his life and while he could take it again he really wanted to have his first A+ average or whatever to make it so he passed the exam.

She passed everyone a pencil and a scantron as well as the book. She had her own copy as she sat on the desk with her legs crossed in a long khaki colored skirt. "Rules are as follows: no copying each other's answers, I will read the sample questions and choices aloud..."

He felt out of place being in this building until he looked around but strangely he recognized some of these people being somewhat delinquents he'd see them around detentions or at parties. She went on for a few minutes and he hoped that the room would quiet down so he could concentrate. The first sample question of the test was easy peasy but after he had 60 minutes on his own to answer the rest. "Pencils up, best of luck mark your answers if you finish early turn in your test on my desk," she sat down at the back of the desk with her back to the blackboard, "and sit quietly until everyone is finished. You have sixty seconds, and go."

The room was quiet as he heard only scribbles. Daphne watched everyone take the test as she did some paperwork herself. She was quiet and awaiting the first tests to be completed. Jay was quickly realizing he was over-prepared for the test and the answers came to him in seconds and he was the first person to finish the scantron. He went over the answers quickly to make sure none were missed and all were answered before going on to the essay portion. The question was about who made the most difference in your life and he decided to write about Emma. He talked about how she believed in him, how it started out as a mindless thing birthed from loneliness, boredom, and lust and how he grew fonder and fonder until he fell in love with her. How it was him who fell first and she followed and how he managed to fuck it up. He talked about her step-father's threat, he talked about Sean and he simply changed the names and locations for confidentiality. He talked about the person he became and who he'll never come back to in terms of who he was. He talked about how it made him feel when he let the one person he had loved the most in the entire planet go and how it makes him feel cold and alone and the only comfort he knows is that she'll eventually be fine without him even if it hurts. He might've said too much, he may not have said enough but he felt all of it. He almost couldn't contain the tears that were forming. He quietly sniffled as she tried to conceal those feelings from the people in the room. Finally, he decided he was done. He stood up from the desk and turned in his test and walked out. He saw Emma emerge from another classroom from the poster behind her he saw she was coming from the student council. She was supposed to go to the lunchroom and grab the snacks for the meeting but she was frozen when she saw him.

"Jay what are you doing here?"

"The equivalency test was today."

"Oh," she was silent for a beat as she closed her posture and looked down, she looked up at him and asked shyly, "how do you think you did?"

He shrugged his shoulders and told her, "I think I actually did okay."

"Good."

"Yeah," he offered her a sympathetic smirk.

They wanted to say so much to each other but then they just went their separate ways, him walking out the front doors and her walking to the caf to retrieve the food.

They had gone from sharing the most intimate details about one another to barely being able to utter any words. He couldn't lie, it hurt. She felt the tears coming on and she threw herself in the girls' washroom in a stall and cried. When she got it out of her system she washed her face in the sink and looked in the mirror, she said to herself, "Why cry? You don't matter to him."

She bit her tongue not wanting to sound like a crazy person and go back to being hysterical, "Emma stop, you need to be strong."

Finally she grabbed a paper towel and covered her face with it to wipe away the waterworks. She took a deep breath leaning against the sink and softly hit her head against the hanging mirror, "I shouldn't miss him, why does it hurt this much?"

Finally she heard a flush from the bathroom and a girl emerged, it was Amy Peter's Hoffman. She finally smirked, "Hi Emma, something on your mind?"

"It's nothing."

"Ya sure? Honestly, it didn't look like a nothing, ,"She pulled out a cigarette and lit it and sat on the countertop beside the sink. She pulled out another and offered her one, "Any takers?"

She hesitated for a moment before relenting, "Sure."

She knew it was wrong to do this at school of all places but she took it from Amy and lit the cigarette anyway. "Just blow out the window so we don't get busted. I sorta missed the late bus. What brings you here?"

Emma didn't say anything and went to the window on the other side and blew the smoke and ashed exhaling a cloud, she finally spoke, "Student council."

"I should've known. So I couldn't help but overhear, something wrong?"

"Like I said it's nothing,"

"I know I'm not Manny Santos but I see you around town, at ravine parties. It's not really a secret you know you and Hogart have been seen there. I have eyes. Haven't seen you around at these parties and we barely spoke but I see you, something happened between you and Hogart?"

Emma acknowledged, "What do you think? I bet you're happy?"

"It doesn't matter to me but it definitely seems like something is wrong to me. Lemme guess he cut you loose, sweetie?" Amy pressed as Emma shyly nodded her head inhaling.

"I don't know why or how I thought it'd be different."

"It never is what it's cracked up to be. If it was, everyone would be fighting for love everyday."

"Have you ever heard the stupid cliche saying, if you love someone you let 'em go and if they come back you know it's real?"

"No, but he's not going to be back. I may be stupid but I'm not naive."

"What do you say we hang out just us girls?" Emma exhaled and made a face finishing up her cigarette running it under cool water, "C'mon blow off your meeting we can drink at my place and blow off steam."

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"You seem like you need a friend and someone who understands what you're going through."

A soft smile played on Emma's lips, "Well I could really use a drink as well as an excuse to get out of student council."

"I've got just the thing to heal you."

The girls emerged from the girls washroom Amy put Emma on her bike pegs as they raced there. They stopped at Novak's convenience store and got themselves two pints of Ben and Jerry's and some snacks before going to the trailer park. Emma hadn't been there before, to be fair she wasn't friendly with Amy or Alex who were at one time best friends.

They walked into Amy's trailer and didn't see that anyone was home. Amy put the ice cream in the freezer and then she raided the liquor cabinet and grabbed some miscellaneous alcohol and the sodas from the shopping bag and made them two nice and somewhat strong cocktails, "Here you are, hope you like them strong!"

Emma took a sip Amy's drink tasted almost exactly like Hawaiian Punch, "That was amazing. What's in this?"

"Wouldn't you like to know!"

Amy grabbed yearbooks and they went through them, "It's kind of nice hanging with a girl. So what do you think of this guy over here? Maybe I can set you two up?"

She'd seen him around parties, with Emma's luck the guy would find her too easy knowing she's been hooked up with Jay. He's also a friend of Jay's. Emma didn't say anything kind of perturbed that Amy was so quick to make a matchmaking situation. She made a face, "How about this one? Best case scenario he's a senior maybe if you two hit it off you'll go to prom? He's a musician, he's cute. What's not to like?"

Hesitant, Emma sighed, "I don't know if I'm ready to meet someone new."

"Oh Emma, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else, or over you know, because sometimes guys like a girl on top!"

Emma's eyes widened, "How would you know that?"

"So you two totally banged?"

"No."

"Greenpeace, it's written all over your I won't play matchmaker but can we at least talk about it?"

"I had a better idea actually."

"Do tell."

"I'm taking Sean to the ravine party on Friday maybe then I don't know."

"That'll make Jay super jealous and it's absolutely genius. He'll regret cutting you for sure."

"See you underestimated me."

"Now that I see the hand you're packing I see that you're good all on your own, Nelson. I just hope you know what you're doing. What if Sean figure's out you're using him?"

"Who says I'm using him? Sean's my friend and besides he knows how I feel it's not like he's still in love with me. We're just friends."

"Alright, even better. Well, then this party Friday night is shaping up to be a fun one!"

"I aced the test and then I saw her," Jay went to The Dot to talk to Spinner post-test. Spinner was preoccupied but he was listening as he was making a drink for an order.

"What she say to you?" Spinner asked looking up from the task.

"Nothing really, it was weird." Jay sighed, "I just wish things were different. She asked how I did on the test and um she said well."

"Well at least she's happy for you, right? You gotta think of the big picture or the silver lining."

"Big picture is she hates me," Jay sat on the stool in front of Spinner, "You know you're so much better at talking to girls than I am. It's like you understand them better."

"I have a lot of friends that happen to be girls but you just got to think positively. Isn't that why you let her go if I remember correctly because you think she deserves better than dating you?"

"I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I used to be so good at schmoozing a girl outta her panties and now look at me? I'm broken up over her. I can't even fathom how weird it sounds, especially her of all people."

"You don't choose who to love, my man. I guess that means she's the special one. Maybe you need to fight this, you know woo her because you absolutely want this girl back."

"I hate that I let Archie Simpson get to me."

"What?"

"He had told me something I knew and he sorta had a hand in helping this happen."

Just then, Sean walked into The Dot. He saw Jay and was about to turn around and leave when Jay called out, "Sean, don't go."

"Fine," he grumbled and advanced toward them, Sean reluctantly took the stool next to Jay and Spinner went to give the order to the customer and then there were three.

"Hey, can we talk?" Sean asked Spinner, "I need your advice."

"If you have eyes you can see I'm a little busy but what the heck, I'll try."

Sean was quiet at first and sighed, "Chop chop loverboy I don't have all day."

Sean finally asked and Jay's eyes narrowed as he looked at him, he may as well not even be there at that moment, "How do you just become you know just friends with someone?"

Spinner chuckled, "What do you mean? You either want to be friends or nothing at all."

"Ugh I don't know kind of like well take you for example - you and Paige used to date and then after you guys became friends."

"Oh a girl, I think I know where this is headed." Spinner added, "I'll tell you it wasn't exactly simple. It's hard to just shut the feelings off. It helps if you meet someone new."

"Like Darcy?"

"Nah I was over the relationship when I met Darc." Spinner grimaced, "I'm talking about Manny but over the summer thanks to my pal Jay you realize there's plenty of fish in the sea. Right?"

Jay finally decided to mark that he's here too and that he had things to say, "I guess what he's trying to say is that you don't forget, but you do eventually move on like a scar" Jay told Sean with a small grimace as he continued uninterrupted, "shutting off the feelings is impossible and you're still going to struggle every day when you think about her smile, eyes, the way she smells -"

"I get it." Sean quickly realized they were both lamenting on the same girl and he shut Jay up. Jay took out his flask and started drinking and sort of tuned Sean out at first but then what he was saying truly piqued his interest. "I just wish it were that simple, you know? I keep getting reminded being around her sometimes or in the same vicinity." Jay had to admit it stung that she was spending time with Sean after their split up, "We don't have to be talking. We could just be in the car driving to school or walking in the halls but my mind keeps thinking of when we were together and happy when we used to be in love. I gotta realize she's not that person anymore and she keeps reminding me but it hasn't completely sunk in that it's a hopeless thing. I just don't want to make her uncomfortable, you know? I want things to be okay."

"Nothing will ever be just okay, take it from someone who knows. It's called growing up or growing apart. Just tell yourself it's hopeless." Jay muttered drinking from his flask covertly he added sarcastically, "maybe eventually you'll believe it. Sure it hurts but it's better than feeling too much at least that's what I tell myself. I've convinced myself and eventually, she'll see it too. That's it's hopeless and then and only then you two can become the best of friends."

"Right." Sean furrowed his brow trying to make sense of what Jay was saying that there was more to the break up than what Emma says they're to be, seeing Jay all down in the dumps isn't what he expected to see. In fact, the way Emma sees it - their entire foundation she believes is based upon an elaborate lie. She gives Jay too much credit, "I'm always too hard on myself, maybe I just gotta believe and be optimistic."

"Optimisms for pussies."

"Yeah, maybe you're right but don't let it get to your head," Sean muttered before adding, "but what is there to do? In the meantime, I need to forget or I'll drive myself insane of the could've should've and would've."

Spinner had enough hearing about them moping about over a girl, "Stop beating yourself up. At least you didn't get your best friend shot."

"Let's not get into that." Jay muttered, "I say we party."

"Get drunk?" Sean raised an eyebrow at the suggestion.

"Yes and maybe toke a bit. That doesn't sound like a bad idea, more like a great idea." Spinner told them, "After work, we'll all meet up and go out somewhere. We're going to find Sean a new girl, Jay can get drunk and um maybe meet someone too and I can get drunk too and man, I need a drink. I'm parched."

Sean questioned, "How are we going to get in?'

Jay smirked and told Sean, "Did you forget my cousin is a bouncer at this one place. We got it covered"

Jay offered Spinner his flask and he politely pushed it back, "I'm still on the clock so the drinks will have to wait. Put that away."

Silence fell on the three guys, "I don't know, but Jay I think I owe you an apology for being kind of a jerk to you."

Jay was surprised to hear that and he turned to Sean, "Thanks."

"Do you think we can be friends again? It's stupid to not be friends over a girl."

"We'll see." Jay told him, patting him on the back after hiding his flask advancing his hand forward, "shake on it?"

Sean shook his hand.

Back at Amy's, Emma and Amy were talking more. Emma still didn't completely trust Amy, how could she? She hardly knew her but always heard shitty things about her and Amy loved to gossip about others so why to trust someone who's such a blabbermouth. Nine times out of ten they end up gossiping to someone else about you, "So what was your first impression of me?"

The two girls were pretty tipsy, Emma was on her second drink, "I thought you were kind of a bitch no offense. You also like to gossip and start trouble. Let's just say I didn't think the best of you."

"Oh my god everyone says that," She laughed, "Can you please pretty please say bitch again?"

Emma asked, "Bitch?"

"I can't believe Emma Nelson just said bitch in my house. I can't believe you're in my house right now," She giggled as she took swigs from her bottle, "I thought you were a fucking prude but we know that's not true. I mean I didn't forget about the bracelets."

"Not my finest moment."

"Anyway, forget him. He doesn't know what he's missing."

"What do you mean?"

"Has anyone told you if you let your hair down a bit you're actually really pretty?"

Emma wasn't sure how to take that so she simply asked, "Seriously?"

"Can I do your hair and makeup? I'm studying cosmetology on the side. I need to get out of this trailer park."

"I just don't understand why you're being nice to me?"

"Emma, have you ever been ostracized for doing something stupid or had a reputation of being less than? I have."

"I've done a lot of stupid things. It doesn't make you less than."

"Thanks, Emma, I mean that." She started brushing Emma's long hair, "This is nice, I simply don't have many friends, especially girl-friends. Everyone either thinks I'm a slut or talks about me behind my back that I'm a slut. I've heard everything from I've given guys head in the bathroom for money to I fuck inmates on the regular. It's insane the shit you read in the bathroom stalls, it gives them rat magazines and the shit they blast Britney and Lindsay for a run for their money. The guys wanna fuck me and the girls don't wanna be friends because they know I fucked over my best friend over a guy. It was just weird and different because he sort of made me believe that I was the only one he was fooling around with." Amy tearfully admitted, "no one considered me their number one you know? What am I saying?" Amy started wiping her eyes quickly. "I just nothing is ever real, but I do know I'm gullible but you're not. You're different. I think he really did love you. I know you think it was a game sweetheart, but it was real."

Amy put her brush down and secured Emma's hair with a cute dainty clip that resembled a butterfly, "I thought it was. I don't know what to think."

"He looks at you like he used to look at Lexxi, listen to me." She turned her chair to face her face, "he didn't wanna just get with you, you were different. I was a game, I was a pawn and I lost my best friend because of it. It wasn't like that with you."

"Maybe at first?"

"Never was a game, I watched people since people don't really talk to me. It makes it easy. I would say it was all in the way he talked to you. I don't know what you said or what he said but just observing it was all real. Sure it might've been a hook up at first but not a game. I saw you guys at parties, you know I was drinking but I observed the way you'd talk. The way his eyes lit up. The way you'd fight for it to be what it wasn't and the desire to make it more on both sides no matter how hard you fought it. The way you'd dismiss him yet reel him and rile him up. Everyone including me got you all wrong but he got you and you got him hooked. How the fuck did you even manage to tame him? He's a mess and it's because of you."

"What do you mean?" Emma narrowed her eyes.

"You need to talk to him. You know I'm right."

"What can I say to him?"

"Anything." Emma looked downward and Amy lifted her chin and applied some foundation and then some blush, "Chin up I know you want to talk to him. I know you miss him."

Emma grabbed and sipped her drink through the straw when she was done, "I do."

And then she turned the chair for Emma to face the mirror, "I look incredible!"

"What do you say we take this party on the road? I know some places that could give us fake ID's?"

"Sounds tempting but I should probably go -"

"Nonsense. It'd be a fun night out. You need it, look at you!"

Emma giggled, "Plus they can't see me drunk."

"Exactly my point!"

Amy and Emma dressed in revealing black dresses standing in line at the club with their brand spanking new looks and fake IDs. "I'm nervous."

"Don't be Emma, we're gonna get in and you look great. Repeat after me my name is Delores Mitchell."

"Delores Mitchell."

"When is your birthday?"

"September 21st, 1984"

"And what's my name, Delores?"

"Hannah Holland" Finally Amy and Emma reached the line.

"You look familiar? Born in '84. Did you graduate Degrassi in '02?"

Amy nervously quipped, "Mhm both of us, we're sisters, Go Panthers!"

Entertained and charmed, the bouncer lifted the red partition velvet ropes, "C'mon in ladies."

Emma never expected in a million years she'd be out drinking with Amy Peters Hoffman or that they'd be in a club. A bartender walked by with shots on a serving plate walked by, Emma thought they were free so she took two. The woman didn't notice they took them fast and tossed the cups in a nearby trash can. The music was loud as they went to the bar and scoped out the place for someone to buy them both drinks.

"Don't look now but Jay has entered the building."

Even though she was told not to look, she rarely does what she's told to do. That's when Emma turned her head around and saw Jay.

He saw her too. He walked up to her when he saw she was with Amy of all people over the music he asked, "What are you doing here?"

Emma stood up and downed her shot, "I could ask you the same thing."

"Can we talk?" Jay asked her, "I mean if you don't that's fine, I need a cigarette anyway. I'll let you bum one if you want."

"Okay." She answered. She looked at Amy and Amy motioned her to go with him and then they walked to the outdoor patio.

Their ears were ringing from the sound as they finally got the fresh air they needed and the quiet they sought. She sat down on the patio chair, "I'm not sure how to say this but I'm not even going to ask about the Amy factor?"

Emma didn't say anything at first as he continued avoiding eye contact as he lit two cigarettes and gave her one. It was a little cold. The autumn breeze caught them and he struggled to light it again but finally, he was successful. Emma was cold but she didn't want to draw attention to the fact. He tried to act "So anyway how are you?"

"I'm fine. That's all you wanted to ask?"

"Are you cold? Do you need my jacket or-?"

"No," Emma was slightly amused. She inhaled and a few moments later exhaled holding the cigarette between her fingers, she got pretty serious, recovering from the laughter as the tension lingered, "I just need to know something and I want to hear it from you."

"Shoot." He leaned against the brick wall behind him feeling the bass of the music on his back.

"Was it a game?"

"What a game?"

"Me, what we were. Like did you want me to fall for you I mean it makes perfect sense to me how it could've been and then pull the rug when the jig was up?"

He narrowed his eyes, "You think I'm capable of something like that?"

"Because if it were real, why would you want to fight or let go of something like that?"

"Because it was real, and I got scared because for the first time I knew what I did really mattered to you and to me. If I were to fuck up I'd rather it be intentional and not a mistake and I hope you don't think you made a mistake or did anything wrong it was my fault it's on me."

"It's not you, it's me?" She asked with contempt, "What a cop-out cliche? Why though?"

"I'm not good for you."

"Can I be the judge? And so what if you're not it doesn't mean that we can't be happy. I made you happy right?"

"Of course you did and you are right and all of what you say and think is valid but I don't know. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Archie said - "

"Archie?"

"Oh my god." Emma sunk back into an Adirondack chair and gasped with her hand over her mouth, she ashed her cigarette in a nearby ashtray perched on a small table, "He said something and he lied to my face about it."

"He only said the truth, Emma. He said the truth he might've lied about what he said I can guarantee that but not about what was said."

He could see her fuming as she put the cigarette to her lips to drag again, he could hear her breathing harder in anger finally she exhaled and said, "It's not true. Whatever he said he just doesn't know you that I know."

"It was absolutely true. I did a lot of shit a lot of things I'm not proud of."

"If you don't want to hurt me why did you do it? I saw none of this coming."

Jay told her softly yet meaningfully, "As I told you, or maybe haven't told you and I mean this from the bottom of my fucked up heart I'm so sorry if I caused you harm."

"What the fuck did he say?"

"It doesn't matter. It's best you don't know."

"I did for you!"

"Bullshit!," She murmured in disgust, throwing her cigarette in the ashtray and standing back up. He jumped not expecting her to jump up that way. He saw the hurt and anger in her eyes. "You didn't do it for me because if you did you wouldn't hide the truth from me."

"You wanted to believe I was a good guy, like Sean or like I don't know the other guys that aren't me. I can't lie, I liked it. I liked that you thought I was better but I'd only hurt you and this is living proof."

"I don't care, this isn't what I want."

"I don't want it either," he softly told her, he put his hand on hers and held it, "you keep fighting this and it makes it even harder to do it."

Emma looked him in the eye with much exhaustion and anguish as she faced him, "Then whatever you do don't. Don't end things. Listen to yourself your real intuition fuck what Snake said, you either want this or you don't you either want to let me go or you don't. If it hurts to let go, would it hurt less to hold on?"

He paused for a moment, "I don't want to prolong it, keep things going only to disappoint you in the end. You don't know how much you mean to me and maybe it's for the best you don't."

He dug in his pocket and slipped the bracelet, "I meant it, want you to have this. I know it'd be safe with you. Where it goes you go, and where you go so do I. I know you'll meet someone who's not fucked up or who knows? Maybe you'll just forget about me even if it spends eternity in a jewelry box. I want you to take this. Pawn it I don't care, but if you love me the way you think you do I hope you don't."

"It's the last piece of your mother."

"Mom used to say if you love someone or something - set 'em free if they come back it's meant to be. I like to think she had a point there."

"I really don't know what to say."

"Then we say goodbye?" Jay questioned looking her way.

"Why do you do this? Why do you say these things?"

"You know I'm just trying to do the right thing."

She was angered, "You don't know what the right thing is, Jay. You're such an asshole. I hate you!"

"I know that's not true and you know, perhaps you are right, but I don't know I'm trying here. I can't give you what you want."

"Well earlier you said I don't know how much you mean to me, how much do I mean to you?"

"Why are you asking me that now?"

"It's hard to put into words I just know I'd do anything to change this situation."

"Fine. I won't beg, that's beneath me. It just, you know, sounds like a buncha bull," Emma pulled him into a hug and cried quietly to him. She was too tired to fight anymore. It was like boxing a brick wall completely futile. She raised her voice ever so slightly crying, "Why can't you just say I don't know anything like cliched because I feel like you're only trying to make me feel better."

He didn't say anything at first, he fought back his watering eyes and sniffed back, closing his eyes as he pulled her even closer and wrapped his arms completely around her. With his one hand on her back, he caressed as she laid in his chest, "It's not bull."

She took a breath upward and told him quietly, "I don't hate you but I wish I did and I honestly don't know but guess this is goodbye." She paused sniffling, "I just wish things were different, I love you and I know I will never really forget you." They lingered in the hug for a bit of time outside the nightclub fighting back tears between the few of them observing the time at the moment. Too soon though she pulled away and just dashed away and didn't look backward running off in Amy's high heels.

Jay caught himself collapsing downward the brick wall feeling the bass on his back once again and held his head in his hands.

"Hey what happened?"

Sean ran over from where he was inside and he had only caught the tail end of Emma running. He was tempted to go after her but instead, he felt more compelled to go to Jay who was torn up against the wall still, "How much did you hear?"

"Enough." Sean put his hands in his pockets.

Jay glared up at Sean, "I'm fucked up."

"Literally or intoxicated?"

"Literally."

"I know." Sean told him as he knelt down and sat beside him. "Spinner went home. He had an early shift and he wanted me to let you know."

"Noted."

"You didn't want to let her go, then why did you?"

"Sean, I envy you."

"Why the fuck would you want my life? I'd give anything for -"

"You don't get it, people accept you. People like you. You might not always do right or wrong but people are always wanting you to succeed even Emma believes in you as she believed in me. I just - I know I was hard on her. I just don't deserve her."

Sean furrowed his brow, "Okay this is a hunch but correct me if I'm wrong but you are growing up and maturing and I'm glad and maybe you do deserve to love and be loved. I was wrong about you and her. I was being selfish. I was hurt but it's not like I had anything else to compare those feelings to. I just thought well, I don't know that I should be the one for her but I've got a lot of work to do on myself and all but you see she doesn't care and that's what makes a difference. She cares about me, but she's put me in a box on the back burner, in that forever a friend - first love category. She doesn't think we have the makings to make it together and you know what? For the first time, I see why what you guys have is what I wanted to have with her I mean not exactly but you get the idea. On the same wavelength, a little tumultuous but ultimately real. Why would you want to give all that away? I mean I love Mr. Simpson like a father but he doesn't know you and I'm not surprised he thinks he's got it all figured out because he knows about your expulsion. Think about it, but if she loves you - you're good enough for her, and not even just enough you're perfect because you're meant for her."

"What can I do? I think that was it. I blew it, I fucking blew it. I wish you could've given me this pep talk hours ago!"

"It's never too late."

"Well do you have a plan?"

"I'm way ahead of you, bud. I have the ultimate plan."

Emma joined Amy back at the bar as she was drinking her last drink, "How'd it go?"

"Let's just leave."

"That bad huh?"

"I don't know why I keep fighting it but it's over. Let's go before I make bad choices." Amy looked at the check and widened her eyes.

"What?"

"We have one more bad choice to make. On your mark?" Emma and Amy ran out of the bar and raced to her car. No one chased them out fortunately or the bartender hadn't noticed yet which was lucky for them. She was about to make the turn to Emma's street when they were t-boned by a car and the windows shattered, airbags deployed and they hit a curb by a small set of shrubs. Emma's head whipped forward and quickly back as blood sprouted but she was unconscious. Amy wasn't but she knew better than to leave the scene. She went into Emma's purse and called it in.

"What's your emergency?" the voice questioned.

"Uh oh my god I don't know how," she bit her lip nervously, her voice panicked, "We had an accident and my friend is unconscious."

"Someone is on the way to help you."


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

Be Careful What you Wish for

Amy waited at the scene as she waited for the ambulance to come while alone in the car with Emma. After the accident, the car that hit them left the scene. She searched for her phone for someone to call and she decided to call Sean. Sean was still talking to Jay against the wall at the club when he heard his cell phone vibrate. He pulled it out and saw it was a call from Amy, "Jay sorry let me get this."

Sean went to his feet and stepped forward for some privacy, "Amy?"

"Sean, it's me. I um need help."

"What is it this time?"

"It's Emma." Sean's expression softened but it didn't sound so calm and it didn't take him long to realize she was in danger but his thoughts were interrupted by Amy's cries, "We got t-boned leaving the club, we're almost home and she's not exactly awake. There's blood all over her I'm scared. She's like not moving, and I keep touching her shoulder and talking to her and like she won't wake up. I'm seriously fucking scared. If they catch me I can go to juvie for being drunk. Hell knows I need a wake-up call but -"

"I'll be there." That is all he said and Amy grimaced and looked at Emma.

"Please hurry!"

He hung up his flip phone and turned to Jay, "We gotta go."

Jay was still against the wall with his head in hands, he wasn't listening to the phone call but he knew Sean was talking to someone on the phone, he slurred out loud, "What's going on?"

"Amy's car was hit and Emma was inside. She's okay, but time is running out for Emma. We gotta split like now." Sean was smart, he had only one drink that night - a beer. He wanted to make sure his friends were taken care of and he's not a big drinker given his family history of substance abuse. He got into Jay's car and they raced to the scene. Fortunately, they beat the ambulance to the scene. He asked Amy, "Are you okay?"

"I'm a little sore, the car just drove away right after."

Jay stood outside the passenger side door and saw Emma, his heart sank seeing her in the condition she was in. He opened the car door and her limp almost lifeless body fell onto him, "Emma." he whispered, "hold on they're gonna come for you. Just hold on a little longer." Emma stirred a bit, it was obvious she was suffering severely. She reached upward for his hand and he reluctantly held it, "I'll ride to the hospital with you." He called over to Amy, "Amy she's waking up."

"Oh my god keep talking to her, when the ambulance comes Sean and I will talk to them," Amy looked in the mirror and made sure she didn't look wasted. Sean reached in his pocket and took out some minty gum and passed it to Amy. She smiled and told him, "thanks."

Jay turned his attention back to Emma. He ran his fingers through her hair and held her, "You're okay, I'm here."

She didn't really form words. She just looked up at him silently. He knew this was really bad but he tried to remain calm, "I know you're probably scared and it's okay to be. If it's any consolation I am too."

She tried to say something but then her little words she was about to say were drowned out by the whirring of the ambulance sirens. That's when everything changed and the night became a blur. It all happened too fast. Amy emerged from her side of the car and talked to the driver. Jay could see them looking over every few seconds as he knelt at Emma's side.

Finally, they came over with a stretcher and asked him, "Are you coming with me?"

He nodded, "Yeah."

They silently loaded her onto the stretcher and Jay followed them into the back of the van, Jay knew it was no time to joke but that's when she started to panic seeing the white lights of the van, "What's going on?" She managed to murmur.

Jay observed them hooking her up and checking for her vitals when they heard her speak, they were able to just give her the IV and do what they had to do to help her survive. They looked at her injuries, they murmured inaudible to Jay and he ended up having to wait inside the waiting room. He asked a million questions but got no answers. She has quickly whisked away to another area once they arrived at the hospital. He paced about for a few moments trying to gather what to say, and he realized that in the pocket of his jacket he saw Amy placed her phone in his jacket. He was able to realize her password was her birthday and get into text Manny. When she didn't answer right away he called her, "Manny it's Jay."

"Jay?" She asked groggily, "it's two in the morning and Emma hasn't come home. Are you with her?"

Jay was dreading this phone call because he knew for sure her parents were going to be there, he'll probably get yelled at or blamed for this in some way in his twisted mind but never in his wildest dreams would he ever want her in harm's way. He wasn't angry but he was somehow sobered up by the circumstances he didn't know how to put it but he finally spoke, "She's in the hospital, it's bad."

"What happened?" she sat up in her bed wide-eyed, "Oh my god, tell me everything, I'm worried sick!" She had his undivided attention.

"A lot of shit, I'm sure you've heard all about.

"She dipped out of student council and skipped the rest of the meeting and never came home. Her parents are livid at her for that. They were talking about possibly attempting this intervention shit but I called off the dogs on that. I think she's just - it doesn't matter. What's going on? I know literally zilch nada."

"I saw her tonight, she was with Amy, they went out together to this bar and - it doesn't matter. What she does is she needs her family to know she's at Bartley Valley hospital and she's been in a really bad accident. Cars absolutely fucked from a mechanical standpoint and the driver who hit them dipped out before anyone got here to help out."

"Amy? What the fuck? She's a bad influence. How could you let this happen?"

"I didn't know they were friends!" He cut her off, "With all due respect Manny, I kept her when we were hanging out away from her but she managed to find her somehow I don't fucking know. What I do know is Emma is in trouble. She might not make it. I've been asking staff and they haven't," Jay was freaking out and close to tears, "I'm really scared and I thought you should know that she's here."

Manny sighed, "We'll be there in a few. I gotta wake up Emma's parents and let them know about it. Do me a favor and stay there!."

"I won't be going anywhere," Sean was at the vending machine, he got he and Jay a Hershey bar and walked back over to him in the waiting room, "Why do you look like that?"

Jay asked rhetorically, removing his baseball cap and combing back his hand on his head with frustration through his hair, "How are you thinking about your stomach at a time like this?"

"What is there to do?" Sean muttered as he passed Jay another bar. He held it in his hands and sighed. Sean took a bite and then instructed Jay, "eat."

Jay was hungrier than he had realized and took a bite, he chewed and then swallowed a bite then he told Sean, "I called Manny."

"What? She's gonna bring Christine and Archie into this. I don't want you to panic."

"Wait a second, what? I mean Christine's fine but Archie? I don't know if it's the whole reason I fucked it all up with Emma."

"What are you talking about?" Sean asked laughing and then he got serious, "I'm listening."

"Emma had me over to meet her family and it didn't exactly go as planned. Dinner was fine, Her mom asked me the usual stuff like work, school plans and I was fine or so I thought. Like she's seemingly fine with me Snake's dead quiet the whole time. I looked over a few times between bites and conversation to see his expression, but it was like he saw through me and hated everything I said and stood for. Anyway, dinner ends. Fast forward, Emma, Christine, and Manny went to go in the kitchen to clean up and set up dessert after and it was weird. The whole thing changed and he was quiet all dinner long and then you know he really dove into me. He said some awful shit and that I should break up with her before I cause her any shit. It was never something I planned on but the more he talked and the more time I spent by myself that night I thought what choice do I have? He'll never like me as a guy. For her, it doesn't matter if I get successful with cars or not. It's like I'm less than like I feel like I'm nothing and nobody special and Emma's sooner or later gonna see it too."

"I've had my fair share of never feeling good enough, it's a confidence thing man." Sean told him pretty honestly, "you just gotta believe in yourself because you're only gonna piss away everything, even things that could potentially make you happy."

Jay didn't say much after that and Sean continued, "Are you okay?"

"How do you think I feel?"

"I don't know."

"Like shit, worried, freaking the fuck out about seeing her parents here."

"Jay, I'm worried too but we have to think positive for Emma's sake and -"

"Why are you being so nice to me? You sound like a therapist, Emma did mention you were seeing someone."

"Look, man, life's short I told you back there at The Dot. It's too precious to piss away friendships for no reason and beat yourself up over something that'll be a blip later when we're both at our class reunion as friends. If life's taught me anything it's that it's a gift. Not everyone is as lucky and I'm grateful for everything and every moment I spent with Emma. Don't make the same mistakes I did with her, treat her right this time, and maybe just maybe if the fates do their thing you'll have another chance with her. You have my blessing just spare me and don't give me the details. I want to be friends."

Jay paused for a moment and replied back "I want to be friends too, dude."

"So now we're gonna chill, we're gonna sit down and wait until we hear anything new? You hear me?"

Jay was lost in thoughts, what if Emma doesn't make it? What if the last moments were the last moments they had together? What if something horrible happens? What if he loses her forever? He simply nodded his head and threw himself onto the seat where they sat until Spike and Snake got to the hospital with Manny.

They ended up coming and Manny hugged both Sean and Jay. She was dressed down, not her usual glammed-up self with no makeup and her hair was up. Spike and Snake looked like wrecks and were showing their age. Snake walked away to find coffee and probably in an effort to get away from Jay. Christine was mostly just concerned she had been crying. She was shaking like a leaf when she pulled away from Sean's hug, "What exactly happened guys?"

Manny sat between the family and Sean and Jay when everyone sat down.

Jay didn't say a word, he simply mumbled quietly, "I just want her to be okay."

"We all do, Jay." Manny patted him on the back hoping to soothe him a bit, "I don't want to lose my best friend."

"We're not gonna lose her." Sean muttered in response. "She fights hard."

Sean leaned over and told Christine, "I just don't know why she was with Amy."

"Who is Amy?" Christine asked, "like when she got hurt?"

Sean awkwardly admitted, "My ex after her and anyway yeah she was in the car with Amy and they were hit and Amy wasn't exactly completely 100% sober so she's probably screwed. She called us about Emma and the ambulance so she's not a completely terrible person. She just gets mixed up in the wrong shit but I think Emma has gravitated toward her. I don't even know how they could've been friends."

"They're not friends." Jay muttered back, "you can't trust the girl as far as you can throw her. Words can't describe how angry I am for Amy putting her in harm's way."

"I think you did that all by yourself." Snake muttered with coffee and gave everyone a coffee, even Jay, "hope you guys like it black I couldn't find the cream."

Everyone shyly told him thank you.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jay stood up. Sean looked on unsure of what to do.

"Well, you should know ever since you two started going together -

They were interrupted by a doctor and nurse who came into the room and walked up to them, "Who is here for Emma Nelson?"

"We are," Christine frantically raised her hand, "is she awake?"

"She woke up, yes. We are asking two visitors at a time family first." Jay knew they were going to say that and he was prepared for this but nothing prepared him for what was going to happen after the fact, once he was going to see her, or if he was going to see her. "There is a bit of a snag, we need to see how her memories are intact. She had a major head injury, she is stable she was asking for one person, in particular, a guy named Sean."

"That's me." Sean stepped forward bashfully, "why would she want to talk to me?"

The doctors uncomfortably shrugged, "You guys can head in with the patient. Mom, dad and Sean."

Sean looked back at Jay who was crestfallen from her first words being Sean of all people. Manny looked awkwardly at Jay and sat down on the brown uncomfortable waiting room chairs and held her head in her hands tiredly. Jay sat a seat away from her and let out a sigh as he watched the door close behind them.

"Mom?" Emma beamed softly as Christine was the first in the room with Archie not so far behind her, "Hi Mr. Simpson, what are you doing here?" Sean stayed back to give just her parents some time especially with the second thing she spoke he realized the severity of the situation more than likely before her parents did.

"It's Archie, Snake, you know family."

"Okay?" She ran her hands through her hair and noticed a bandage, and then looked over in the corner, her eyes sort of danced with excitement when she saw Sean, "Sean! I don't know where I am but I'm so glad to see you."

He offered her a smile but looked to Archie uncomfortably.

"What year does she think this is?" Sean muttered softly to Archie while she gabbed to her mom about things and her mom asked her some things. Everything lighthearted and calm. She just explained she had an accident. Emma wasn't mentally damaged as far as not a vegetable or mentally handicapped by far but her memory was affected in the accident but they didn't want to psych her out just yet. Archie had this horrified look on his face as he quietly sipped his coffee.

She patted the side of the bed and looked back over to Sean, "Would you come over to sit with me? I need to talk to you about something."

Her parents went to go talk to the nurse who was at the door looking on and also to give them time to talk.

"I wanted to apologize for what happened and I miss you."

"Apologize for what exactly?" Sean asked her softly.

"When I was like a bitch to you last year."

"What year do you think it is Emma?"

"2002, duh." Sean's eyes widened, "You look different though your hair is long. You look like you've got a growth spurt and like . . . you look really really good. Can I touch your hair?"

He reluctantly nodded and she reached over and touched his hair softly and a smile formed as she beamed from ear to ear, she opened her mouth to talk and Sean told her, "I don't want to alarm you but that was a really long time ago."

She sounded like someone killed her dog, "What do you mean? I don't know what's happening but I know we never had a chance to do something I've always wanted to do."

"So much has happened since then. I - we - you and -"

Emma leaned over to him, "I've always wanted to kiss you."

"Emma!" He pulled away, "I need to tell you something/

"Is it someone else?"

"No nothing like that, I'm just ugh Emma we're not thirteen anymore."

"Of course I am." She furrowed her brow, "We have MI and Kwan together at school, um you and I haven't spoken in almost a year.."

"Actually we do have English together but I literally saw you yesterday," he softly laughed out loud, "but that's beside the point. You and I had a life together and we kissed and it was special. We got to have a chance to be together and of course I screwed it up like I always do."

"What happened? Is this real?"

"I don't know if it's my place to tell you this," Sean was at a loss of what to do. He blinked back tears of sadness of frustration as he picked his words carefully, "Just know I care about you more than you'll ever know or understand. And yes I want to kiss you but I just can't not like this."

"Well, this hospital gown isn't ideal I know. Can you at least hold my hand?"

"I can do that," Sean told her as she reached over with her good hand the one not covered in IVs and medical tape. She wouldn't take her eyes off him, as she just beamed at him. She didn't remember anything. Behind them was a heartbreak one that took Emma a year to reason with, she knew she was nearly a goner so she saw Sean and wanted to make a point to make things right with him for whatever was going through her head.

"Why did Mr. Simpson come, I mean I know he's been over the house a lot but I don't know if it's love you know like I know with you." And then chuckled out loud and put her face in her hands embarrassed, "I can't believe I just really said that."

Sean softly smiled, but he knew not to fall in too deep with someone who was a memory. She bit her lip softly, as she recovered, "Does Manny know I'm here?"

He nodded, "She's in the waiting room."

Sean understood that right in the present moment Emma believes the year is 2002. She is perplexed by the fact that Snake wasn't really in the picture yet in regards to family and she was confused by that. She is still hopelessly into him, even albeit in love with him. These were the facts at the time and it wasn't pretty.

"Sean, why are you looking so sad? I'm awake. I have a little soreness and my head kind of hurts." Emma caressed his cheek making it hard for Sean to hold back. It's as if she doesn't believe that there's something seriously wrong she thinks it's a lifetime ago. Which is a blessing in disguise after all Sean wished that Emma simply would forget about Jay and she has, Emma wished for things to be so simple and they kind of are she had literally forgotten about the shooting, how traumatized she was after the shooting and lastly about the source of her recent heartbreak - Jay himself. "I'm okay and I'm going to make a good recovery you'll see."

"Okay." Sean faked a smile and got up to be courteous to the time constraint, "I'm going to have Manny come in right now, okay? Take care." He kissed her forehead softly and walked away.


	29. Chapter 29 - Miracle

Chapter 29

Miracle

"It's rare but it happens to some patients with severe head trauma to suffer memory loss but they sort of lose their sense of reality. She told us it's 2005. She knows who the president is - granted I don't know who Ashley or Liberty is but she is alive and well."

"She thinks she's like 13 and 14 years old, doctor." Spike explained more thoroughly and quietly, "is it permanent?"

"She seemed foggy waking up but that could also most patients feel foggy. What gives you that impression? It likely won't be permanent. She'll need to stay to be evaluated more."

Snake stepped forward with concern, "She didn't know that I'm her step-father. I married her mother when she was thirteen." Snake sadly stated, "Her friends are worried in the hall they also noticed some abnormal things about their visit."

"I know you must think I have the answer but I truly don't know yet it's still early and I have yet to evaluate her just yet, we need to keep her here for further analysis but my hope would be no and hope it isn't permanent. Make sure you visit frequently and don't encourage her delusional state, correct her if you must be gentle with this. If she has friends encourage them to come to see her in the coming days perhaps her memory will return."

Jay could see them tense in the hallway and he hadn't seen Emma yet nor does he know the prognosis. He sensed something bad happened or they just don't feel like he's the best person to see her right now and he really doesn't understand. He was pacing about waiting and hoping for his turn to see her, he had to see her. He felt horrible for the way he treated her before she lost her memories unbeknownst to him. He finally sat down as he saw Manny emerging from the room in tears talking to Sean who consoled her with a hug, "We'll wait for Spike and Snake to see what happens next."

Jay lifted his head and faced them as he offered an uncomfortable smirk, "Is it my turn to see her yet? Being last is kind of shitty but you now -" Jay then started to backtrack his words as he saw Sean and Manny exchanged uncomfortable looks, "let me guess she doesn't want to see me and I'm not really honestly surprised."

"It's nothing like that," Manny avoided his eyes wiping tears from her own, she took a deep breath and murmured a query to Sean, "should we tell him?"

Sean hesitated to cause Jay to lament out loud, "I'm right here guys. I'm a big boy and I can handle it." He was severely unable to cope with not knowing and he wanted to know what the big secret was. The suspense was killing him but nothing could really prepare him or even know in his wildest dreams what her prognosis is. "She's not dying is she?"

"She doesn't remember you," Manny sadly confessed. Jay looked like someone punched him in the stomach or killed a puppy, Manny reiterated, "She doesn't remember a thing in the past I don't know how many years, or anything really big in her life. She's pretty fragile mentally. I don't know how else to explain. She's like youthful."

"What do you mean? I just talked to her less than three hours ago. I know it was a bad ending but we talked. I don't follow."

Sean reiterated, "I don't really understand either. She literally thinks she's young again like she's forgotten about the shooting, our entire second relationship, her fallouts with Manny, everything that's happened within the past three years have been all but erased from her memory. I tried to listen and be patient with her and rebuff her advances which were really freakin' hard but man, she's gone. I mean she looks like Emma, she talks in the same voice but a whole nother tone but she's a different kind of messed up, man. She's not the same girl."

"I mean she's still Emma guys. She's still here, and most importantly alive don't be so dramatic, Sean, you're scaring him. We gotta be there for her, regardless." Manny sighed, "we can't abandon her now. She's going to need us."

Jay wasn't sure whether to be angry or cry, of course, he chose anger but deep down he just wanted to dig himself into a hole and cry, "Yeah," he sniffled wiping his nose with his sleeve downcast, " maybe she'll need you guys. Afterall she always loved you best, Sean."

"Ouch?" Sean questioned as Jay started to walk away toward the door when Sean softly tugged at his shoulder advancing forward in a sense of urgency, "man you can't walk out like this. Maybe you might jog her memory I don't know or something. I'm grasping at straws here but you can't leave her now. Don't you love her?"

"You know I do," Jay wasn't facing them and he had that tearful sound in his voice. He was hurt and while he knew he didn't deserve much he knew he didn't deserve that, he wiped his tears on his black jacket and then turned around, "Fuck it. I'll stay for her. Manny, will you come in with me?"

"Of course." Manny grimaced. Jay was more terrified than he let on. That was when they were met with Spike and Snake who looked shell shocked watching her from a window in her hospital bed not knowing what any ruckus was about. Manny had a feeling they were going to tell Jay he couldn't see her and that's when Manny stood up on his behalf, "Hey um is it okay if he sees her now? I know it's not the best time but Jay hasn't seen her yet and he would really like to make things right with her even in her current state, okay?"

"Okay, that's fine. Maybe he can somehow try to jog her memory or something," Spike blinked back tears as she was holding onto Snake's hand, she saw Manny beside him, "but why don't you stay behind, Manny?"

Jay uncomfortably looked at Manny and then he pressed on toward the door, he had a million things he wanted to say to Emma and it was best he went at it alone. He disappeared down the hall as he reached Emma's room. She was sitting up on the bed braiding her long hair. Her whole demeanor was all off. She seemed almost childlike and off as they said. Suddenly she gasped when she saw Jay and put down her hair and combed it back with her hand, "You there! Come in, I want to talk to you."

He hesitated with confusion as he stood in the doorway and she continued, "You were at the ambulance when they took me here, I want to thank you for staying with me. I was so scared." She had never seen him before at least to her memory. She couldn't stop talking. She had never seen someone she had thought was good looking, who was he? She swore he was like a guardian angel or someone unreal that is walking the earth to help her. Maybe it was him and not Sean the person she should be attentive to or maybe he's here to tell her what the world would be like without her and warn her. Either way, she thought if she kept talking something would happen and he'd give her some comfort in this time of confusion.

Jay didn't say anything but he walked closer and sat at the chair beside her bed as she continued babbling on about the warmth of the white lights and the cool feeling of the stretcher on her and it became a lot, maybe too much. He noticed she was still wearing the bracelet on her good wrist, how she even all bandaged up and battered she looked beautiful. She warmly smiled at him, "So what is your name?"

"I'm Jay."

"Jay," she beamed, cocking her head to the side. She couldn't help but notice the sadness in his bloodshot eyes it was clear he had been crying or stressed she could sense that tension in his energy, "you look so sad, you know you should be happy."

Jay sighed, "Why should I be? I love a girl and she doesn't even - forget it." He covered his head with his hands, "forget it you wouldn't understand."

She babbled on and he simply just listened, "You know I'm very understanding, but nevertheless you should be happy right now, you kind of saved my life, you're a good samaritan."

He shook his head, "I may be a lot of things, but good is not one of them."

"Thank you so much for what you did for me, I don't remember much and I always had a good memory but I've seen you before maybe."

"Maybe," He put on a brave face and took a deep breath, "I've been around town, sure. We go to the same high school, so probably."

"High school? Psh, I'm in grade 8, that's next year. Stupid question but, do you drive an orange civic? I keep having these recurring dreams or flashes about someone who looks like you. Have we met before?"

Jay paused narrowing his eyes, "We crossed paths. I do drive a civic. Nice to know I'm in someone's dreams."

"Do you mind if I say you're very handsome?" He didn't say anything and she decided to change the subject with a humble little laugh, "So Jay who drives a civic" she leaned on her hand and inched closer, "what else do you know?"

"What do you mean?"

"Everyone tells me I'm wrong. I mean my crush like an ex-crush kind of thing he thinks I'm crazy. It is super-duper complicated. Let's just not even talk about that, I mean honestly. I don't understand and my best friend keeps correcting me." She wasn't sure why she couldn't get a read on Jay or him to crack a smile, she thought maybe she was talking too much, "I'm sorry to dump all of this on you, I just want to know more about who I used to be before my accident. I know I had an accident the doctors told me."

"They are scared. Just know though they care about you and I care too."

"You say you don't know me, why do you care? What are they scared of? Scared of what? Of me?" He nodded, "Why? I'm so not scary I just want answers and you seem impartial."

"I guess there's reasons to think I'm impartial, third-party deal. There's a lot if I were you I'd like to forget too."

"Like regrets? How old are you even?"

"Seventeen."

"Much too young for regrets."

"You don't have any?" Jay asked her with a furrowed brow, "not even one?"

Emma thought for a moment and sighed, "Jordan," she made a face, "I had no business emailing someone I hardly knew."

"Who?"

"Forget it. What about you? You brought up regrets or things you'd like to forget? What are some of your skeletons?"

"Sort of regrets? I have a few. Except I don't regret any time I spent with you. Sure I'd change some of the details at least it was all with you. If I had the chance I'd fix it all. God just made it a little fucking difficult when the one you love doesn't know you."

"I don't understand but I hope someday I might," she smiled weakly before yawning weakly, "I was told so many things, conflicting things but I still dream of things I don't understand. A boy in a hallway covered in yellow paint and feathers and me on the other side of the gun, I still dream about love and how sorry I am for being so rotten to Sean this year. I know he really liked me so I was really unnecessary to him and I wish I knew everything. I don't know how to feel, I mean last year was so easy, next year will probably be tougher."

"I hear you, as the years go on they get tougher for sure. So you really wish you knew everything?"

She sounded desperate but she was being honest, "More than anything."

"Trust me you really don't want to know." Jay shook his head still in disbelief this is the current situation, "It'd corrupt you, change you, hurt you and I don't want to do any of that to you if I haven't already."

She harrumphed and crossed her arms dramatically, "Don't tell me what to want, I mean you said you're bad right?"

"And?"

"Bend the rules for me, please? I need to know what's going on in my own life! You want to know what I think right? He's pushing me away and it's kind of my own fault for being so forgetful but I honest to god have no idea why he's so ugh. I don't even care about what happened back then, I just don't understand anything anymore. Sean scared me when he fought Jimmy that's why we stopped dating and now I thought I had things figured out, but maybe you can help."

Jay was adamant about not telling her things that would only end up upsetting her in the future, but not telling her the truth was weighing on him, "I'm telling you Emma it's for your own good. It's best you don't know it all. Let it go, it's the past, it can't hurt you if you don't know about it."

She was humored by this, "It's a little late for that and it makes it all the more intriguing, I am arguably a know it all, I can be booksmart and I'm an expert level eavesdropper." Emma smirked trying to flirt subtly to get what she wanted, "I can be very convincing. I can cry on cue."

"I'm sure. Look, Emma, I can't give you all the answers, I think they're just trying to protect you. Has it occurred to you that you endured a lot of shit that could potentially warp your life?"

"Who are they you speak of?"

"Manny and Sean, they care about you. Manny's been your best friend, you're her rock even though a lot has happened to you. Sean still cares about you but he's just confused by you right now. That's the truth and besides, I didn't know you well enough back then I wouldn't be the best person for the job."

"I'm asking you for a reason."

"I'll tell you some stuff but you should really try with Manny or Sean to get the whole truth. You had an environmental club, you were pretty much a prude princess and I was well quite frankly the male version of a slut; obsessed with my car and my ex or whatever that may be. My thoughts were simple. I was ruled by my primal urges and shit. We weren't friends, we didn't hang out at least not till last summer. Before, we were in different circles. I used to steal shit to get a rise out of my dad because I became somewhat invisible after mom died. 2003 was a long ass fucking time ago a time I really don't feel like revisiting or going over."

"Why do you speak in the past tense? Jay with all due respect, 2003 is happening right now. Could you tell me, I'll even pay you and I'll keep it all between you and me like a secret?"

"You drive a hard bargain. I love secrets and schemes but I ain't budging."

"C'mon Jay, I just need to know who you are to me and maybe it'll jog my memory."

"You sure?"

"I can handle anything. I cheated death once with Jordan. A secret is a secret and a promise is a promise." She put her hand out for him to shake.

"How can you be so sure? Once I tell you I can't take it all back."

The way she said secret brought back memories to Jay when they were just that, a secret. "Please, Jay."

"Alright fine, since you said please. Before you ask how much - it's on the house. You don't need to pay me. I'm more than willing to tell you everything I know about you with no judgment, no lies, all truth no matter how much it hurts me, I want you to know once I tell you everything there's no going back from this. Oh yeah and one other thing?"

"Name it?"

"This stays between us."

"I told you it'd be our secret. Why so serious?" Emma's smile sort of faded and her brow furrowed, "why would it hurt you?"

"You'll see."

"We have to start at the beginning, not as far back as maybe Sean knows and I don't know what they told you, but I met you in 2003. Which was a long fucking time ago."

"But -" Emma protested, "how did we meet?"

"I'll get to that."

"You were in a relationship with Sean but like he wasn't happy with you. Sean was a lot of things back then he dressed like Eminem assuming you know who he is. Your dad, Mr. Simpson was apparently really sick with cancer so like I being the jerk I was made things even more difficult for my own twisted reasons. I have a flair for the dramatics. I didn't really jive with Sean's so-called friends including you, or should I say especially you. You were this influence on him, a good influence. I used to bully and tease you and your friends and I helped put your already damaged relationship in jeopardy. Of course, Sean being who I know him to be didn't tell you he was unhappy. Anyhow, we hashed out our shit because I got him in trouble. I took Sean under my wing or maybe he just fell in with me. I can't remember the details but we became buds and you sorta fell by the wayside. We stole his laptop and some other tech from the school to make my whip drive better. We were jerks and I'm not sure if Mr. Simpson would ever forgive me no matter what I do." Emma just listened attentively, "our story as in you and me isn't romantic at first like it's downright nasty what I did to you and the position I put you in. Sean stole his laptop not because he hated Mr. Simpson or that he wanted him to feel bad for something that happened he did it because he wanted to hurt you for rejecting him which was stupid and to soup up my ride but mostly to hurt you to make his transition into being in my crew easier. I didn't want to admit I liked you I guess but I knew you'd never fit into my crew and besides I was with Alex and you couldn't even commit to a PDA with boy scout Seanny. I'm not telling you this because I want you to dislike Sean, no that's not my plan but it's a truth."

"Wait, can I say something?"

"Sure. I'm sure I blabbed a buncha shit you're going to ask about."

" Why would Sean want to hurt me? What does Mr. Simpson have to do with this? My mom married Simpson, okay? But last I remember they were talking hanging out a lot and maybe even dating? Ew. I mean he's cool I guess for an old guy."

"Cool and Simpson in the same sentence, yikes Emma. You really do try seeing the best in people. Anyway, It's something I don't even know honestly, Emma. It's something you'd probably ask Sean and he'd want to leave in the past. He doesn't like being seen in the past. Your relationship like I said was like falling apart because you apparently were too busy for him or weren't spending enough time with him and you did care about him and you did love him and I sort of gave him an out, maybe he wanted you to feel bad for not being emotionally there for him? Guys needer than a fucking - I don't know he's just so needy but he's good at heart not like me bitter and broken up over shit all the time. I hide it well and he doesn't. I don't want to speculate he's not here right now to defend himself."

"And then what happened after Sean stole Mr. Simpson's laptop?"

"You guys had an unrelated fight probably he had enough and wanted to cop a feel anyway and he broke it off with you because maybe he couldn't live with the guilt? Having to look you in the eye and tell you the truth eventually? Maybe he wanted a clean break? Was it about the fight? I don't know but you guys ended up breaking up. The next day you wanted to talk it out and he pretty much ignored you or said he didn't have anything to say which is even worse. The night before I got him super drunk and he didn't shut up about how you were different and then he acted all tough when I was around. You guys didn't have closure. I can tell you were heartbroken and I didn't fuckin- I didn't really care. He broke your heart and you never truly got over it."

"How do you figure?"

"It's pretty obvious he was your first love. You wanted to fix him but he was so far gone and you put your whole heart into it and he messed up you told me before. He was your first love like I mean you'd move on but you always secretly cared I think because you knew one another a long time."

"I see what you mean."

"Anyhow, You didn't take it well and then you went all Nancy Drew on us. You got me and Sean banned from The Dot for a while, your feelings for Sean were still evident even if you acted like you hated everything he stood for and beyond obvious you were heartbroken. He had sorta moved on because he wouldn't shut up about you so we set him up with Amy and he had some not so nice things to say about you."

"Amy, what's she like?"

"Dangerous to know."

"Dangerous how? Was she pretty?"

"She's kind of a dog honestly, just she was friends with my girl so she was there. He knew that Sharpe this guy was moving in on you and like he didn't like that he was jealous but he had moved on so his hands were tied we all knew but he couldn't say shit anyway because you were out for revenge and then he put his blinders on you know? When Sean becomes well. . angry and sees red? You were angry, you were hurt and you were pretty much dead on bullseye about it. It's as if you knew all along and we knew you were smart and all."

Emma's eyes widened trying to process, "Did you guys get that boy to try to shoot me because I was getting too right on?"

"Oh no Emma, no. Not at all." Jay consoled her, caressing her shoulder soothing her panic, she took a deep breath "you're getting ahead of yourself. You also fought Alex because I guess she hated you because you had life easier than she did. Enough about that though."

"What about that?"

"We didn't talk until around that time a few months before that shit with Rick and the gun. We never hung out in the same circles. You were like friends with the know it alls, the environmental clubs, even the rooks, and knights society. You weren't popular but somehow you fell in with Paige and you guys were anti-Rick. I mean like you guys wanted him dead or expelled but for some reason, he was allowed to remain a student just only select people knew what he did to Terri McGreggor."

"Who is Rick?"

The doctor interrupted, "Visiting hours are almost over, they resume later on tomorrow afternoon."

Jay and Emma's gaze continued before she grabbed his hand and told him quietly, "Will you come tomorrow afternoon?"

"Of course, whatever you want."

"If there's any consolation I wish I remembered you. You seem pretty unforgettable to be completely honest."

Jay softly smiled before questioning whether he should give her a small hug goodbye, carefully maneuvering himself not to hurt her entanglement of wires and things she's hooked up to, she silently looked up at him and he stopped in his tracks hesitating. He felt this magnetic feeling toward her. He almost kissed her but he stopped himself. He awkwardly hugged her and pulled away quickly. There was an overwhelming attraction between the pair and she took it in in the hug, his scent. It wasn't until they had pulled away from the embrace when she put her hands on his shoulders and then it finally hit her like a ton of bricks. She was remembering things again. She didn't remember the past thirty or so minutes that Jay babbled about them fortunately for Jay or was it unfortunate? She was upset again. She had that look in her eyes that she had when they parted ways at the bar that night.

She knew him but she wasn't sure how they had gotten here in the hospital with him beside her after they had agreed it was over, truly over. It was a miracle except for it wasn't, his scent had triggered her to realize who he'd been all along. He kissed her forehead and fought as hard as he could not knowing she was gaining her memories back.

She looked down at her right wrist and beamed seeing the bracelet he had given her the night before when they said goodbye, he was always saying goodbye or something to that effect. She blinked for a moment, getting a good look at him. She cocked her head before asking, "How did this happen?" her tone was less playful, it was serious back to the girl he had been associated before the tragic accident, "you came here? Why? Here to make me fall in love with and then pull the rug when I finally get better? Just go."

"Emma what? I don't know," Jay sighed not understanding that Emma was regaining her memories slowly.

"Doctor said you gotta go, just go."

"No, not before I tell you that I came because I knew I couldn't quite live knowing you'd forgotten me and who we used to be."

"I'm better off forgetting if all you're going to say is the same thing you told me before. I'm here," she softly whispered, "granted I'm hurt, in a hospital bed and I'm not sure what came over me but I'm just -"

The doctor and nurse called in, "Mr. Hogart, visiting hours are now over please exit the room."

Emma started to panic, she didn't want her time with him to end, he was just about to say something monumental and of substance and he's being pushed away, "Just one minute," she told the doctor weakly.

Against his better judgment he stepped out for a time. He begged Emma walking toward her, "Emma, I need you to recall something, anything to where I can believe you remember again."

"You make banger sweet potato fries, you used to take care of me when I'd drink too much, your drink of choice is whiskey, you smoke a lot when you're stressed, you have no filter." She bit her lip softly thinking before finally showing him the bracelet, she pointed to it and said, "You gave this to me, it was your mothers and you had given it to me the night I felt like I really fell in love with you and really connected with you on a romantic level."

"It's a freaking miracle." Jay beamed as he clapped his hands impulsively, and told her rather honestly, "I finally did something right."

"What do you mean? You've done the right thing a lot by me."

Jay was full of glee, "I got you to remember though. It was hopeless before."

"I felt like I was somewhere else though awake but not, but I do remember yes and I hope I don't forget."

The doctor told Jay he had to leave but not before Jay stammered out something monumental, "I've wasted so much time with you beating myself up for no good reason but now I know we have something you and I and no one can take that away."

"What are you saying?"

Jay grasped Emma's hands and asked, "Emma, will you take me back? It'll be different and no I'm not like some jerk who promises the world and never delivers. I feel so stupid when I let you go away, I want to spend my time with you. If I lost you I don't know what I would've done. It wouldn't be pretty. I love you more than anything or anyone in the world. I don't care who knows. I just can't go on without you. I never thought I'd find myself in this position, I always thought love was never in the cards for me and nevermind the fact it's you of all people who made me realize I can fall in love with somebody. Please."

"Of course I will." Emma beamed through tears brimming in her eyes. She wiped them away as Jay advanced forward with his thumb removing some of the excess tears, "Hey," he whispered, "I should be crying but I'm just so happy. I really wish I could kiss you right now."

"I dare you and likewise." Emma beamed as Jay cupped his hands around her face and was inching forward to kiss her when they were interrupted and they had an audience.

The doctor returned back and sighed this time he had Sean and Manny watching what was going on, "Alright five minutes over, you have to go sir. Emma needs her rest."

Jay knew he wasn't going to sleep a wink tonight, he knew he didn't want to miss anything important. He retreated back to the waiting room with his friends with quite a story to tell. Emma couldn't help but see Sean differently since Jay's confessional moments. She had always thought highly of Sean, and while she had never thought very highly of Jay she realized that it was all true. She knew it from that one night as much as she wanted to deny and fight her feelings for Jay. She never wanted to stop loving him.

Manny decided to get comfortable in the hospital as she wasn't planning on going to school. Sean decided to stay with her so she had a friend with Jay. He didn't want to go home. He couldn't wait for his visit with Emma even though he hadn't many more new things to say. Sean had been right, despite Sean's lingering feelings for Emma he is a staunch believer in second chances after he had been given many over the time and kind of seen first hand how much friendships matter. Emma had support in her corner in all three romantic, friendship, and first love and friend and even family support with Spike and Snake.

Jay blurted out, "She remembers."

When they got into the hall the next morning with coffees, Snake gestured backward, "Jay can I have a word with you?"

Jay coughed nervously afraid that he was going to be in trouble and walked toward the soda machines wordlessly as they walked into the vestibule, "I believe I owe you an apology."

"For what?" Jay played dumb.

"I know you don't put much stock into what I say and even if you did I just graded and submitted your scores for your equivalency exam back and you are officially a high school graduate. I'll have you know your studying and analysis have impressed even Laura Kwan on As You Like It. Your essay about Orlando and poetry in regards to your own personal growth and experience was stellar, to say the least not a bit of plagiarism or sarcasm detected. Great work."

Jay's eyes lit up, "Today can't get any better. Uh thank you, sir."

"So uh it's not easy to admit I have judged you a bit too harshly."

"I understand." Jay shrugged, "I'm the very nightmare of dads everywhere. I used to call myself daddy hate bait."

"No, I was wrong for what I said and what I did and for that I am sorry. I keep blaming myself and I don't want to ever make anyone feel as though I've counted them out before they even went up to bat. I thought I had you figured out but now I know that I was wrong to judge you based on stereotypical standards. Sure when you were a student your grades were godawful abysmal but you applied yourself and did really well. You should be super proud of yourself."

"Uh okay."

"Emma is still very important to me, she's the first kid I ever saw as my kid. I want to be a positive influence and I need to learn to let go and stop being so protective. Maybe one day you'd understand when you're a father. She's foggy and she's going to need rock-solid people who are going to be there. I like to think you're one of those people that will stay."

"Absolutely."

"Obviously Manny and Sean and the family but we want you to be a part of it as well. I've misjudged you and it's not just about academics. I couldn't help but notice your dedication and devotion to Emma in these past few weeks. I regret attempting to pull you two apart. I thought you'd skip town, take my bait and stay away but something pulls you two no matter how many times I know Emma didn't deserve what I had done. I feel like I have failed as not only a father but a mentor. Don't let her slip away, she's got a lot of feelings in regards to you whether she can comprehend or not at this time."

"You were just," Jay avoided his eyes, "being protective, being a dad. You are aware I was expelled and for why. I played a role in her trauma but I can't deny I do love her." He wasn't sure how to take Mr. Simpson pouring his heart out and being kind and such to him after what had transpired.

"Now of course the door must be open and yada yada considering we got Emma's blood work back and I think you'd be interested in hearing she's perfectly healthy and nothing abnormal except - ."

Jay blurted out, "I'm clean right?"

"Yes," he answered uncomfortably, "but we haven't exactly told Emma about the more important thing. We didn't think she was in the right state of mind. We know you're serious about her and we haven't had the time but I think we'll be seeing a lot of each other because well Emma is expecting."

"What?" Jay asked with confusion. You've got to be - She's having a baby?" Jay softened up and Snake wanted to say not right then and there, "My baby?"

"I'm just joking with you. Gotcha!" Snake snickered, "you'd be dead meat if that were true but there's a lot of alcohol and marajuana we got to discuss."

"Oh fuck." Jay realized who he was talking to, "I mean crap."

"I'm not going to give you an in-school after all you're not in school anymore. You can do anything now within reason. If you need a recommendation letter I can help you apply for school. Aim high, Hogart I mean it. Just because you got expelled and had to get your GED you don't have to settle it's quite an accomplishment." Snake was humored by his lapse in language, "You should've seen your face but please don't be feeding my stepdaughter drugs and alcohol."

Lonely Sean observed Jay and Snake having a moment. He wasn't sure how to feel about it but he was happy that Snake and Jay were getting along for the sake of Emma and maybe just maybe nothing was so hopeless anymore. He had potential he could be a friend even though he shot his shot and yet he landed among the stars of Emma's friendship and that is enough for him. He had work to do in any case on himself, digging deep and if they wind up together sure it'd be beautiful but they'd be no Jay and Emma - they were something indeed and while his heart hurts he smiled through the pain of losing his heart's desire for Emma and gaining the closure of being a friend not a just friend but an integral platonic friendship.

Sure let's face it, Sean still cared about Emma, it took a lot for him to restrain from giving into her even in her state but he knew he had to do what he had to do for the sake of his friend and their blossoming romance. Stepping back he turned to Manny who was also watching, "Look at them," Manny beamed, "maybe Snake hasn't completely lost his touch. We were all wrong about him."

"Who Snake?"

"No, Jay. He's not so bad and I know he truly loves Emma. How are you holding up?"

"What do you mean?" Sean asked with a furrowed brow, "that's why I stepped back. Friends are more important anyway."

"I mean how are you doing with all of this? It wasn't so long ago you were all wrapped up in Emma."

"That's a forever kinda thing." Sean sighed dejected, "she'll always be important to me but I know she's cared for by someone just as important. You never get over your first love."

Manny instantly thought of Craig, the guy she'd been hopelessly in love with for the past few years and somehow he always reels her back in, "Forever is a long time Sean."

"I have a secret," Sean whispered somewhat embarrassed, "She's kind of my only ink."

"Ink?" And then she understood smiling like the Cheshire cat, "Like a tat? Can I see it?"

"I was hoping things would be different but she'll always be by my heart. If Jay fucks up I'll be swinging my fists but I doubt I'll have to worry about that. She's my friend and that's enough I've got more issues than Sizzleteen magazine. I'm in no position to be dating anybody. I'll do anything for her, but I know her heart doesn't belong to me and maybe it never did. Maybe it never did because she's got a heart and a mind of her own and now her sights are set on someone she or we never expected."

"I know it's kind of bittersweet. So what's your plan since plan A with Emma's done?"

"I'm going to go home, get some sleep and graduate, maybe college who knows," Manny's smile faded softly, "here not Wasaga." And her smile returned, "I know you'll be needing some protection from some of those guys around here. I heard and if there's any consolation I still got a mean hook. Anyone been giving you a hard time?"

"A few, but mostly one Peter Stone."

"Stone Prep creep?"

"Yep. I'm sure you've heard what he did." Manny told him, "but I don't know if there's anything you can do. I don't think I could ever believe him if he apologized. It honestly wouldn't be enough."

"I'll take it from here, Manny."

Jay returned to Sean and Manny, "You guys want to get breakfast at the cafeteria?"

Sean nodded, "Definitely, man I'm starved."

Manny nodded, "I don't have cash on me, you guys go. Plus I want to see Emma first."

"I insist, I can't let you go hungry. Come on." Sean told Manny and she relented and agreed to have breakfast with the boys.

"I can't help but ask what happened during the Snake and Jay meeting so now I gotta come along," Manny smirked at Jay teasingly as they started to walk to the cafe but then Manny heard her name.

"Manny?" Craig arrived at the hospital with flowers. He without thinking ran up to her and hugged her tightly, "I heard what happened. How are you holding up?"

Manny softly smiled; she couldn't resist a hug from Craig. If there was anyone she wanted to be into her it'd be him, "Craig, thanks for coming. I think Emma is going to be okay. Why don't you come to the cafeteria with us?"

"Sure I could go for some coffee and hospital breakfast." Craig beamed comfortably. Sean waved hello to Craig which he waved back. Jay knew Craig from around but didn't greet him. He wasn't sure if Craig was someone he could trust. He knew about Craig's episodes and his past with Manny.

"Who are the flowers for?"

"Emma."

"Visiting hours aren't for another hour, you should give them to a nurse if you're coming," Jay muttered.

"Christine, how are you?" Spike came over quickly when he saw Craig with the get well flowers, "Joey sends his good wishes, he's looking at a house with Diane fresh start since well you know with Caitlin and all."

"Aw, we won't be neighbors anymore. Craig, you're welcome to visit anytime you want. That was thoughtful of you to think of us. Tell Joey and Ang hello from us. We'll be at her pageant next Saturday," Spike smiled through her stress and took the flowers, "I'll ask the nurse if she has any space by her bed. Why don't you go catch up with the others at the cafeteria? We've been here pretty much all night."

Craig followed them down but felt like Jay and Sean really didn't want him tagging along but Manny didn't mind at all, in fact, she was glad he was there, that's when Manny blurted out as they all got in the elevator, "You know Jay right?"

"Yeah," Craig awkwardly muttered as Jay shot him a look, "well in any case it's nice to meet you."

"Well if it isn't downtown sasquatch himself," Jay told him rolling his eyes, "can't say I'm a fan."

"Nobody asked you if you liked our music. I was just trying to be nice."

"You try too hard, bro."

"Whatever you say, Jay. I ain't afraid of you even though you got Jimmy shot and everybody knows it."

The two started to shove each other in the elevator and Manny was uncomfortable. Craig socked Jay square in the face as the rickety elevator was slow getting down to the basement.

"Fuck you, toolbag." Jay spat touching his lower lip, "was that supposed to hurt?" He wiped his bloody lip with his hand, shaking his head.

"Maybe next time it won't be."

The tense ride was quiet for the seconds that remained, Manny looked up at Craig awkwardly until they reached the basement where the cafeteria was. Sean and Jay rushed out and Manny and Craig stayed behind just outside, "Sorry about Jay. Can we talk about something?"

"Sure, I have something to tell you too."

"That was the worst elevator ride ever, but I forgive you anyway," Manny asked him, "I've sorta been MIA lately because of what happened at the show."

"I had a feeling that's why you've been avoiding me but I'm glad we're talking now."

"You did? What were you going to tell me?"

"I liked spending time with you at the show, I hate those girls for making you feel less than you know as a person. I hated seeing you sad a lot and I know you did like spending time with me too for the time you were there. I'm sorry about Ellie, she was acting so strange. I kind of know what you're thinking it wasn't something like a pity date, I wanted it to be a real date."

"Craig -"

"I knew that that freak who took those pictures of you doesn't know what a sweet and kind person you are. I know you've got dreams and I know he's put a dent in them. And I missed you and wanted to tell you how I felt all summer but I'm sorry for the shit I said when I was getting adjusted to my meds last year about you being this big mistake? No, I take that back, that was the mistake. I was blinded. I know I screwed up before with you, having Manny as an enemy isn't what I want. What can I do so we can talk again?"

Manny was flushed and needed time to process, her cheeks turned rosy pink, "Now I feel even worse for running."

"I didn't mean to make you feel shitty. I never want you to feel that way."

"You have though."

"I know. I'd do it all over again and make my wrongs right if it were possible. I just know there's no one else and that should be all that we need. If you saw what I did to Jay, it'd be ten times worse for the freak who took your pictures and plastered them all around the school."

"Did you see it? It's really bad."

"I don't want to lie but I'd rather see your smile than your body."

"You're corny as hell." Manny shook her head at his attempts to smooth things over. She was remembering why she fell for Craig in the first place. "You're doing good so far."

Where Jay and Sean were standing by the cafe line they couldn't hear their conversation and they observed them kiss and hug, which prompted Jay to talk a little shit on Craig, "I don't trust him. Why the hell is he here anyway?" Jay told Sean as he loaded his plate with some food from the cafeteria buffet.

"Craig?"

"No the boogeyman, sasquatch."

"They have history. Not surprising." Sean told him, "don't be so weird about it. I think their friends of the family honestly. I never really got a clear answer either."

"No shit but jerkoff got her pregnant and then tried to strong-arm her into keeping it for whatever reason."

"How do you figure? Why do you know this?"

Jay still wasn't so trusting, "Guy like that makes your problems so small.."

"Hey be nice, Craig, and I used to be friends. No bad blood just drifted apart." Sean applied some ketchup to his burger and some other condiments as he spoke. "I know he has issues but people can change I mean look at you dude. You weren't what I call friends."

"I have weaknesses, sure but at least I wrap it now. Snake punked me into thinking I knocked Emma up."

"And you fell for it?"

"Yeah because there were a few moments where we did fool around and shit but I don't ever want a situation like that playing out period.

"Really wish I didn't hear that."

"Sean, can I say something, address the little elephant in the room?" Sean didn't say anything, "I feel like a jerkoff. I never asked you for your blessing, I broke guy code. I know you told me to befriend Emma and look after her and I overstepped a lot."

"I'll say. It's whatever, you can't help who you like or love or whatever. I did a few doozies myself."

"But as a reformed bad person I guess, I guess the point is, I never think about what I do. I just do it and say it and that's that and I don't think about other people's feelings. Sometimes I don't even care about them. I hurt people and I don't know why but I never wanted to hurt Emma something pulls me toward her. Anyway and I'm sorry for the way I fucked up our friendship." Jay sighed Sean didn't say anything and then he reiterated, "Sean, I'm sorry I know how you always felt and I did it anyway. I get how you wanna keep the peace and shit but I know I didn't do right by you."

"Don't worry about man, I already have forgiven you even if you didn't apologize completely."

"Sean, you're the best friend I've ever had, no joke."

"Thanks," Sean answered back as they went to the table and had some lunch. Craig and Manny joined them but the table remained largely silent. Craig and Manny were seated across from Sean and Jay slowly Craig crept and crawled his hand beside him to Manny's hand and she reluctantly took it.


	30. Chapter 30 - Jumper

Chapter 30

Jumper

Emma was released from the hospital about three or four days later. Sure she was still bruised and sore from the accident so she was prescribed painkillers but her mom promised she'd heavily monitor the use. She shared with her mom that she was having nightmares about the shooting and Sean's suggestion to see a therapist and shortly Emma's family set her up with an appointment.

It was then revealed that Sauve had confided in Snake a few weeks earlier that there were things she wasn't able to help Emma conquer and this is a step in the right direction. She will still see Suave but mostly share her experiences with her therapist.

Emma no longer sees herself as a victim, or a bad person or defective but someone who is a work in progress, a metamorphosis of sorts. With an improved relationship with her parents, friends, and boyfriend she feels like she can make it through, whatever it takes.

She knows she'll experience setbacks but she's reclaiming her life little by little. Trauma will less directly affect her and she believes it'd get easier to cope with time. She can't go back to who she was before the shooting, but only move forward. No longer is Emma little miss save the world but rather just Emma pushing through the world. This brush with death and danger wasn't a life she wanted for herself, for awhile she was punishing herself for what had happened in that hallway after Whack your Brain. She wanted to move on from the past and she knows she's capable. As for Amy, she is currently serving time for drunk driving at the alternative school for juveniles and is spending half days at Degrassi community school and house arrest at night. She has a curfew. She happened to see Amy at her locker when she returned to school when she returned to school, "Hi, um I wanted to thank you for calling when you did."

"Anytime, Nelson. Sure I've got this trendy anklet I can't take off but I needed something to kick me into high gear right?" Emma wordlessly agreed, "I need to be sober. I'm going to AA meetings twice a week. I have a sponsor, who has been really helpful. I really don't want to end up like my family."

"I get that, well hope to see you around."

"You will." Amy softly smiled before resuming grabbing her books for her program before she gets transported. There's even hope for Amy too to turn her life around and if Amy can do it albeit by force Emma's departing on this journey rich by friends.

It was finally night and Sean came by to pick Emma up for the last ravine party of the year. It was a bonfire theme, but it usually is a fire anyhow but it's an overnighter. "Thanks for picking me up," Emma without thinking buckled up her seatbelt in Sean's red car.

"I told you I would be here. What are friends for?"

Emma was skeptical about Sean. She was unconvinced, "Who are you and what happened to Sean?"

"I'm turning over a new leaf, sue me it's sort of contagious I mean look at you. You're changing and growing, it's a good thing. Nothing lasts forever you once told me. Jealousy isn't a good look on me and besides Em, I'll get over it."

"I want you to know I don't ever want to lose you as my friend. I never got to really thank you. I had a funny way of showing it but I'm grateful to have my life back." Emma told him candidly as they arrived at Bennett Park.

"Well we're friends and that's the important part."

Jay was in his old spot by that picnic table by the fire as they walked down the hill waiting for Emma. Emma ran to him and he to her as he lifted her and swung her into a huge hug like out of a movie. He passionately kissed her as everyone there cheered and Sean just stood and watched somewhat uncomfortably. He couldn't turn off his feelings but he also knew that he had to let go, for his own peace and sanity. She moved on, why couldn't he? Friends for Emma, is something she'd never take for granted and she's glad finally after so many years Sean and her could be on the same page.

It was true that Sean's entire life with Emma flashed before his blue-green eyes when they were in certain danger, faced with the fact one of them wouldn't come back around or make it through it but they did. Although the two friends, two formally romantic friends were able to see a future where they were no longer romantic, rivals, and merely just platonic friends. It would take some time getting used to for Sean. Sure he had dated Ellie and Amy back to back and Emma never got a chance to truly move on for herself not that that was an excuse just an observation of their relationship history.

For Emma, it was somewhat liberating to leave Sean's love in the past. He'd only remind her of the past and past trauma. She clung to him for years because he was familiar and her first true love. Sean still makes her feel familiar and she still cares deeply for him, just not those formerly warm and fuzzy memories Emma would be too much for him. Sean can only handle so much and while he's unaware of this she is. Sean had defined so much of himself and clung to the relationship because he had never loved until Emma and he associates Emma with love, romance, and home. Now he's got to find that in someone else at another time. He'll know when it's real.

Also, he's tired of running away from his problems, and wants to make some real changes starting with friends and future goals. He had already managed to mend fences with his parents, which was an internal conflict in his life for the past few years when he lived with Tracker, he reached out to Toby who is struggling with coming to terms with the shooting and is headed down an all too familiar dark path of self-destruction to no avail and put his conquest to rest with Emma. He'll always be there for her for friendship, unbiased opinions, and just in general there. He doesn't get that glimmer of false hope for a future no matter what happens in the future between Emma and Jay. He knows the chances are slim to none but he still can't believe Emma and Jay found each other and he's now happy to see the two mismatched people find mutual love. If anything, he just wants her to be happy no matter what it costs. She deserves to be happy is how he reasons and if Jay makes her happy then so be it.

Sean reluctantly steps atop the picnic table by the fire, "I propose a toast." Emma and Jay were below by the cooler. She, without missing a beat, reached in the cooler and threw Sean a beer to raise since he had no drink at the time, "Catch!"

Sean caught it and opened it up but didn't drink instead he looked toward the crowd as the party quieted their talking amongst themselves and lifted their drinks from bottles, to cans to red solo cups, "Raise your drinks, whatever it is up!" The party crowd did what they were told and quieted down aside from a few whispers and confused chatter, "We raise our glasses to - to friends new and old, to the imperfect, unpredictability of life in general. To the future the next two years we all have together to make the most of every moment no matter what laughter or tears."

Jay and Emma watched smiling up at their friend who was never big on spectacle but he did say he was turning a new leaf and getting out there to make his mark in life. "To the people we loved and lost because they shaped us and prepared for whatever comes next in this crazy life. I love you guys. We'll make more memories but we'll never forget the past because it's integral to the future. To Emma, may we always have a solid friendship, and may your newly cemented relationship with Jay be everything you want it to be and maybe more than that. May you always be happy because Jay, I'll kick your ass because I care about her happiness still as a friend of course. Jay, you're my best friend through thick and thin, we've had our fights, our disagreements, and fall outs but ultimately you get me and I hope you are good to her. Anyway, this went on long enough this whole toast thing I've never really done this before. So to new beginnings, to friends, to family, to everyone in this crazy party - okay I've said enough - everyone may drink now!"

Sean took a sip along with the party and hopped off of the picnic table. Emma was proud of Sean for standing up and making a toast for new beginnings.

The following Monday morning came and Sean drove Emma to school with Manny in tow. Of course there were whispers when they saw Emma and she was greeted by Liberty and the student council with a giant pop up card with a lot of signatures from different people in school. Emma felt for the first time in a long time pretty touched by that. She remembered how at the beginning of the school year she felt like she didn't even know herself or who her friends were.

Sean noticed Toby was alone at a locker wistfully looking at the scene and JT wasn't by his side and hadn't been most of the school year. Sean had a few core subjects with Toby and since that day in the hallway a few weeks prior Sean hadn't really made an effort to rehash things with his old friend but he felt like now was the time to reach out, "Hey," Sean adjusted his backpack strap against his back uncomfortably looking down at him, "how's it going?"

"So Emma's back to normal I'm just waiting for my turn."

"What do you mean?" Sean furrowed his brow with concern.

"When will it be okay?" Toby had a tinge of sadness in his eyes, "When will it be okay for me? Even for you? I mean everyone forgets I was there too and I saw things I wish I could unsee or unhear. I didn't mean any of this. Forget it, Sean."

Toby struggled to get up and Sean offered his hand and Toby shooed him away, dismissively he muttered, "Don't worry about me."

"Tobes I know we haven't been the best of friends lately but you need a friend."

Toby bittered scoffed, "What do you want to be friends with me for? What about badass Jay and Alex? Emma and Manny? I don't fit in with them, I don't fit in with anyone."

Sean replied unconvinced, "There's such a thing as having other friends too. What's the harm?" Sean saw a lot of himself in Toby, a younger version of himself with pent up feelings, anger, resentment, bitterness and lastly hopelessness. He wanted to see his old friend thrive again, "How did this happen?"

"Sometimes I wonder if I never existed better off everyone would be. Maybe Rick would still be alive?"

"Stop." Sean told him, "is there anything I can do? Anything I can say to get you to stop thinking like this?"

"I don't know," An idea crossed Toby's mind, "why don't we just go to the roof? We'll hang out, catch up there, not that many people are around there."

"You sure?" He hesitated and smirked, it was a start. Toby led the way and grabbed his backpack off the floor of the hall and walked with Sean up to the roof of the school. It was a sunny morning, Sean jokingly asked Toby, "Remember Saturday detention?"

"I used to be afraid of heights but now this is like my little hideaway."

Toby opened up his backpack and took out a beer, "May I interest you in a beverage?"

Sean reluctantly took it, sure he knew his social worker would've killed him and he'd get a lecture in a half if they were caught but against his better judgement he opened the can of beer. Sean didn't bother to ask him how he got it, money talks and Sean knows about fake IDs but it was never his scene. Toby was often forgotten in his social circle between Liberty and JT being attached at the hip when they became a power couple at degrassi and Emma was always a well known member of the many clubs at the school, Manny was a beauty, Sean was the resident reformed bad boy with the heart of gold and Toby was just Toby and he was painfully aware he had not much going on. He played video games when he's not at school, violent ones with guns. He made friends with an online community of somewhat dark vibes and fanfiction about anime characters. Since he and Kendra ceased to exist with Kendra going to a prestigious school where he only saw her once in a blue moon their relationship faded. She was smart to leave before everything imploded Toby believes. He has a rather cynical point of view.

Toby balanced upon the beams and surprisingly enough he had balance. Sean started to get a feeling in his stomach that something bad could happen, besides the fact they could get caught up there drinking beer.

Finally Toby stopped and pointed out, "It's a long way down you know?"

Sean calmly agreed, "It surely is. So how did you swipe the keys?"

"Swiped Ashley's extra copy of student council keys before she left for London."

"So no one knows you have the keys?"

"Perfect alibi."

"For what?"

Toby didn't say anything he just numbly and eerily calmly stared blankly down, "Tobes. . ."

"It's time."

Sean pled, "No." He set his beer down on the rooftop, "Talk to me."

"Everythings gone to shit."

"I assure you it hasn't, I mean we're buds we're drinking beers."

"You don't understand."

"I can try, come off the ledge."

Toby tearfully shook his head no, "No I can't. I can't be living like this. You only feel sorry for me, I miss my old friends, I miss my life, I miss the way things were so simple and now they aren't." He shrugged his shoulders, "Sean, you can't help me. I'm too far gone."

"I can get someone, what about Sauve?"

"No they'd lock me up. Say I'm crazy. You're supposed to be my friend. I couldn't trust you if you did that. You're not a narc and you can't save everyone. Least of all me."

"I wouldn't do it to betray you."

"Like I betrayed Rick?"

Sean didn't say a word and Toby went on, "I couldn't save Rick, I couldn't see that JT was changing, so I stayed away and now look. Liberty and JT can't be away for each other, where's my old best friend? What about Emma? She was a mess at the end of last year and this year. She could've died in that car wreck that I only heard about recently. I'm so depressed. I have no one and nothing. My mom will be fine. She has work and shit, I don't live with Kate and dad so I don't think they'll mind if I just disappeared. Sure they were mad when I picked up beers," Toby knelt down to grab his can and started chugging through tears, "Sean, I appreciate what you're trying to do but let me be, let me go."

Sean wasn't convinced and didn't want Toby to do anything stupid, "Step off the ledge." Toby inched closer to his jump, "It'll be okay."

Toby snickered, "What's okay anymore? Haven't you heard? Nothing will ever be okay. Our school is cursed, if it's not now then when?"

"You just gotta have faith."

Toby closed his eyes exasperated, "Sean, just turn around and go. I don't know why I asked you to come."

"Because you don't really want to do this."

Toby couldn't disagree, but he also didn't want to be had, he told Sean with frustration, "Don't tell me what I want, Sean!"

"Toby -"

"No I want to die! Do you know what it's like having nightmares every night and watching your friend get nearly get blown away or you and Rick falling down and not knowing if it was you who got shot or him? Am I a bad person for hoping it was him and felt relief, and we were friends, honest relief that he was gone and not you? And then I face the fact it was all pretend and Rick was only friends with me because he had nobody and now I have nobody!"

"I know. I know a lot. I killed him. I have a lot of grief that I had to deal with and find myself still dealing with." Sean changed the subject, "What happens if you jump? Everyone in your life is going to hurt whether you think they will or not. It'd hurt me too because this time I couldn't help."

"Yeah like who?"

"Make an effort with JT. Talk to Liberty. Maybe they'd get it or understand. Talk to Manny and Emma after all they're your friends, our friends! Hell talk to me if it helps but don't jump!" Toby continued to stand looking at the grass and sidewalks below he didn't really want to jump anymore not when he was faced with the what ifs he feared that Sean was desperate to get him off the roof, that he'd only feel a few moments of agony before dying or worse, "What if you survive and something catastrophic happens? You won't be able to walk, you'd be committed or something. C'mon Tobes. Get off the ledge now. It's not funny."

"Who says it was funny?" Tears streamed down Toby's cheeks, "Everyone will just forget like they forgot about me before. Kate and dad all they care about is if I'm controllable and Ashley is okay. Kendra peaced out to that elite boarding school to get away from me two years ago. I've always been the forgotten one and this catastrophe only solidified that I'll amount to nothing great or brilliant. What's my niche? What am I good at? How will I ever make it through all this for the rest of forever? I'm the butt of every joke. I had potential. This is just too big of a cross to bear now though."

"Emma understands the most, she was there when it happened with us. She could talk to you. Just please, please Toby get down."

Sean extended his hand and Toby sighed, "This is stupid you're prolonging it. I'm gonna lose my nerve. Shut up, Sean."

Toby was seriously about to jump, and that's when Sean grabbed Toby by the arm with some force and they both collapsed back onto the solid roof, Toby was angry and agitated but he wasn't about to jump up again and try again. He was sort of spent by then he just let out this sad wail and hid his face.

By this time there were a bunch of people down below watching and murmuring amongst themselves. He didn't want to attract attention, Toby took a deep breath in an attempt to catch his breath, his face was flushed and his hands were scratched from the stones on that paved the roof. Sean had a tear in his knee of his jeans and skid on his hands but no serious injuries. Sean helped pull him back up, "Let's go downstairs, we don't have to talk to anyone but please don't do that again."

Toby looked away uncomfortably before relenting, "I won't."

"Promise me."

Toby was quiet for a beat before replying, "I promise."

After a few moments, Sean and Toby walked downstairs and outside the roof access and down the halls to the nurse's office where they were bandaged up. Sean lied and said that they both fell during gym they were playing basketball and the nurse thought nothing of it. When the nurse left them alone, Toby pulled Sean into a strong hug, and just told him, "thank you." He quickly pulled away and they simply sat on the bench until the nurse sent them their notes that they could go back to class.


End file.
